two-twenty

when bad things happen to bad films

Ooof. Things are not looking so good for the new Affleck vehicle, "Paycheck". The lead blurb atop today's double-page spread in the Times reads: "Unlike any film you've seen before or will likely see again!" Is that good? The quote, by the way, is from Earl Dittman of the almost entirely fictional "Wireless Magazines". Mr. Dittman is quite possibly the most notorious hired gun hack ever to attend a studio press junket.

Other "media outlets" quoted in the ad include "Dark Horizons" and "Univision", along with the usual assortment of local network affiliates. In fact, the only quote from anyone whose critical faculties can in any way be fairly assessed reads merely "Double hot." Sorry, "DOUBLE HOT!" Two-twenty imagines the original sentence that this gem was so carefully carved from: "Given the choice between watching this movie or being stuck in the eye with a glowing hot coat hanger while simultaneously being reamed in the ass with an also-very-hot poker, I would choose the DOUBLE HOT!"

Rubbing salt in the wound is the spread for "Return of the King" on the very next page, with blurbs from losers like David Ansen, Lisa Schwarzbaum, and Elvis Mitchell.