two-twenty

monstrous motorvehicles menace MA malls | alex

Continuing my theme of Beantown media analysis, I started the day by forcing my little sister to go to the end of the driveway and pick up today's Globe. Then I did the crossword, which was so not edited by Will Shortz. Then I got down to business.

Today's headline, obviously, welcomed metro Boston to the now-nationwide Orange Club, whose members have the distinct privilege of not knowing whether or not a huge bomb lies in wait for them around the next corner. Sort of like Ben Affleck's career recently (Jesus, I sound like a writer for The Tonight Show. Somebody shoot me).

The day's really meaty story, however, was just below the fold: Massachusetts is being beseiged by large trucks and SUVs, and they are making our treasured mall parking lots, if not the new killing fields, then at least somewhat annoying and unsafe. You see (or don't, as the case may be), these slab-sided behemoths create dozens if not thousands of blind alleys: "'You can't see,' said Plymouth resident Tim Cipriani on a recent afternoon outside Independence Mall in Kingston. 'You kind of poke out [of a space] and, hopefully, someone will see your back-up lights and yield.'"

Just when I was getting ready to go out and fight the good fight by throwing molotov cocktails at every Excursion in sight, a quote from Patrick Donovan, town planner for Hanover, calmed me down: "Parking lots are dangerous places. You don't get a lot of deaths, but there are a lot of fender-benders and bumps." I then realized that the whole thing is one big insurance scam and took off to go firebomb the local Geico and Allstate offices instead.

That is what I learned from the Globe today. Oh, and that Wellesley students were upset when the film crew for Mona Lisa Smile wouldn't hire black students as extras, despite the fact that Wellesley's student body was like less than one half of one percent black during the time the movie portrays. Young liberal girls are so precious.

Jesus Christ I am bored. Please forgive me if my boredom rubs off on you.

Big vehicles put shoppers in parking squeeze | Boston Globe