two-twenty

no sex scandal no cry

Thousands, nay hundreds, nay literally dozens of people are clamoring for two-twenty’s position on the short-lived Kerry sex scandal and how its portrayal (or lack thereof) in the media will affect the future of journalism as we know it. We have a few things to say on the subject:

• Firstly, we would like to reiterate that we are aware neither of any homemade sex tapes nor of any affairs with presidential hopefuls involving one Rachel Federman. We assume that she is a perfectly upstanding member of society, and also like to think that she is way hotter than Alex Polier.

• You know what’s funny? When everyone is aware of something and talking about it privately to the point where it bubbles over and becomes essentially public knowledge but some people, making claims about propriety and respectability, remain publicly mute while still nattering away behind semi-closed doors. It’s like that time at your Uncle’s third wedding when everyone knew that you and the bride’s daughter had been fucking like bunnies on acid ever since the rehearsal dinner. That was uncomfortable for you, wasn’t it? But let us all remember—you got more pussy that weekend than you had for a year. So how bad was it, really? In the above scenario, no one is meant to represent Rachel Federman. Matt Drudge is the bunny on acid, obvs.

• Unsubstantiated rumors are not appropriate subjects for mainstream journalism. You, know, rumors like Iraq has WMDs, Saddam is about to push the button, non-Western governments are aligned in an Axis of Evil, that kind of stuff.

• The Internetowwwebosphere is a perfectly appropriate place for rumors. In fact, it is the glue that holds the whole damn thing together. Case in point: over the weekend you could come to this site to do one of two things: look at a picture of Paris Hilton taking a money shot to her naked, heaving bosom, or read a name. Thousands came to read the unsubstantiated name, but very few came to view the, er, substance as it splashed across Paris’ well-trodden well-proven rack.

• For the record, we doubt anything really happened here. We’re not saying it’s impossible, we’re just saying we doubt it. It seems too improbable that a man whom critics deride as not being passionate enough would give in to passion while concurrently planning his campaign for President. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that even the possibility of anything having happened will matter quite a lot to a certain group of people: the hard-core Christian right. Which means that Bush’s base has been reinforced whether Kerry basely reinforced a bush or not, if you know what we mean.

• Lastly, noted political analyst and presidential advisor Ben Affleck was not available to offer Kerry counsel today, as he was too busy fucking a gaggle of cheap strippers down at Daytona Beach (see how much fun this unsubstantiated rumor thing can be?). Thankfully, two-twenty is here to pick up the slack. Kerry: you need to come out and forthrightly deny this to the American people. Why? Because the discussion about how this story proliferated in the media is an important and valid one, and it will happen. In fact, it already is. If you can plausibly deny the allegations rumors, then the question debated will be “How could such a patently false story worm its way through back-alley blogs and British tabloids to end up in the mainstream media?” Otherwise, there will always exist a kernel of possible truth every time the subject arises, and each time it does you will be painted with just a dab of sex scandal paint, until by dint of your inaction your nice suit has been completely ruined. That’s a dry-cleaning bill we wouldn’t want to have.