two-twenty

from indie rock goddess to just plain goddess

Liz Phair writes about sex. The only thing to say about this is... Uncle Grambo's palms are right this very second in the process of becoming, if possible, even hairier. Schmears.

Oh, wait, there is one other thing to say... Liz answered one reader's question incorrectly. We fixed the problem. The question, and our (correct) answer, follow:

Dear Liz:
I'm in my late 30s, female and basically gay. I'm cute (in a Mary Lou Retton-at-a-Pink-concert kind of way) and in my sexual prime, but I live in a small, semi-conservative college town. There are no gay bars, no "out" crowds. However, I contend that every woman is a few beers away from bisexuality. Is it appropriate to flirt with, cruise and try to pick up random girls if I find them attractive, regardless of their sexual orientation?
— Exiled in Guyville

Dear Exiled:
Get a clue. "Small, semi-conservative college towns" are where basically 90% of the gay community lives. You are practically drowning in pussy-loving, muff-diving freaky-deaky card-carrying BGLAD girls. The kind of girls who can prove to you that female ejaculation is not a myth. The noises coming from across the hall that keep you up at night? That is the sound of hot girl-on-girl action. What we are trying to say is that the problem here lies not in a lack of lesbionic hotties in your neighborhood... it lies in the fact that, by your own admission, you look like a small furry bush pig. Sorry. A hint that may move you a little bit closer to at least getting the fat, sexually-frustrated A/V girl to let you eat her out: never, ever use the word "pink" again unless you are specifically referring to the color. Actually, not even then. Just, don't.
Love,
two-twenty

Sex Advice From . . . Liz Phair by Liz Phair | Nerve.com