two-twenty

March 22, 2004

"fun times are for sharing with friends"

There are those who might pretend to the "Hello Kitty Bong" Google search crown, and then there is two-twenty.

We, however, are not ones to rest on our laurels. In order to ensure that our despotic rule shall last forever and in perpetuity, we decided to do the unthinkable: create an actual Hello Kitty Bong. Wait wait wait, that is, an actual Hello Kitty TM (all rights reserved by and gladly assigned to the all powerful SANRIO CO.) Water Pipe (for use with, like, strawberry-infused tobacco and dried corn silk and, um, stuff). That's more like it. We suppose if there is one lesson to be taken from this, it is "Be careful what you wish for." If there are two, surely the second is "Don't provoke us, people."

Since two-twenty does not really, uh, indulge (save for the rare experiment), we brought in a panel of experts who we felt were more up to the task of providing our readers with only the most comprehensive and scientific information relating to trademark infringement and illegal drug use. They did not hesitate to take the high road, and as choruses of "Helllooooooooooo, kitty! Helllloooooo!" echoed about our halls, the true scope of our accomplishment was made clear: on the sixth day we had built it, they had come, and we all could see that it was good. Very, very good.

Now, we may rule with a blindingly white plastic paw, but our dictatorship is a benevolent one. In the spirit of compassionate conservatism, we are going to share with all of you the alchemic process that can turn $30.42 into a surprisingly utile piece of Art. Or something. It may be possible to complete the project on a tighter budget, perhaps if you live in a state with lower sales tax than New York, or if you have a small niece with an affinity for Hello Kitty products but a decidedly undeveloped capacity for self defense. You can save approximately $8.96 by resisting the temptation to purchase a sheet of Hello Kitty sparkle stickers, a Strawberry-U writing set, and a dangly Key Ring Charm while at the Sanrio Store, but we defy you to try. Lucky for you, the necessary Hello Kitty items are available online.

The Raw Materials

In addition to these raw materials, you will need, as is the case with all things in life, the right tools for the job. Two-twenty does not have said tools, but we do possess an impressive improvisational capacity. This stems mostly from our time back in 'Nam (or perhaps more from our short stint in Rikers, but that is a story for another time). And yes, to answer your question, we were in the shit. So, a list not necessarily of the tools you will need, but of a selection of tools that will definitely get the job done:

Hammer and an attendant nail.
Electric drill with a very dull coarse-thread drywall bit.
Leatherman (TM) Wave Multi-tool.
Serrated-edge bread knife (adept students of the multi-tool will quickly note that a serrated blade is to be found among the many features of the above-mentioned Wave. You may substitute it for the bread knife, but we cannot guarantee your results).
Small tub of Cranium Clay(TM) or Playdough*.
Hot glue gun, preferably one with a low-heat setting, and one glue stick.

*Not exactly necessary, but does help with conceptualizing the size and angle of the hole you will need to burrow out of Hello Kitty's tummy.

Instructions

1. Using a hammer and nail, pierce Kitty's tummy just above her jumper to create a drive hole.

2. Drive electric drill through Kitty. Be patient, she is stronger than she looks.

3. Use straight-edge multi-tool knife blade to widen hole.

4. The hole should be oval in shape to allow for angling of Rocket Eraser container.

5. Apply hot glue to top of hole with Rocket Eraser container perpendicular to work surface. Slide Rocket Eraser container into place before glue dries.

6. Apply hot glue around the rest of the Rocket Eraser container, ensuring that Rocket Eraser container is properly positioned while glue dries.

7. Use bread knife to remove closed end of tube from Glitter Ballpoint pen set. File down edges so they are level.

8a. Apply hot glue to bottom quarter inch of tube...

8b. And quickly apply hot glue to mouth of Pop-Up Straw Bottle. Insert tube onto bottle and center before glue dries.

Ta da!

You can then reattach handy carrying strap for portability...

And fashion!

The finished product, with all tools utilized:

We are not yet taking orders for additional units, but might be cajoled into turning our home into a sweat shop if anyone knows any children in need of an after school activity (preferably Japanese children, for authenticity purposes only) . Also, on the off chance that you are reading this because you simply must possess a Hello Kitty Water Pipe yet lack skills in the Arts and Crafts department, there's a possibility we will auction our utterly unique creation to the highest bidder on eBay. That is, if we can part with it.

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