June 14, 2005
burger king | mister hamburger
BURGER KING, 5th Avenue btwn 35th and 36th
BURGER NAME: Whopper with cheese value meal
FIRST IMPRESSION: 
Just when you think the scale of class in America could not drop at a lower level, you enter a Burger King. The fucking trash that inhabits these places throughout the union seems to have had their annual meeting in the BK near my house. The fat white fuck in the corner with nowhere else to go, desperate not to risk going outside into the heat should he accidentally sweat off one of his hundreds of pounds; the illiterate homegirls marching up the counter oblivious to the line and without saying a word waving some sticky wet voucher for a free burger in the workers face; and the freaks mooching about and cackling at seemingly nothing making everyone nervous.
APPEARANCE: 
Looked like it had been warmed up under the fat cracker in the corner for a half hour.
MEAT: 
The only saving grace of the burger. Over processed meat cooked to the high fast food standards, or about 3 minutes under the grill.
BUN: Not toasted enough and really dry which discounts the theory in Appearance.
PACKAGE: Mister hamburger gives it one burger because he was thirsty and it was hot outside. The Fanta was ice cold and enormous.
TASTE:
DRIPPYNESS: The strength of BK over McDonald's is that awesome sauce they use. I don't know what it's called but it is the runny white stuff. This burger did not have enough of that stuff, and the meat was pretty dry too. For the first time I had a burger that didn't have enough drippyness.
MEAT TEXTURE: 
Fast food joints are great for the texture. Every patty is exactly the same.
MEAT COLOR: Again, every fast food joint has the same grey colored meat. Kind of freaks me out, the whole grey meat thing.
SIZE: Too big.
VALUE: A lot of food but not enough for two separate sittings.
COOKED TO SPECS: I'd give it 5 burgers, but they fucked up the burger itself. You know exactly what your getting normally at McDonalds or places like that, but when they give you stale shit it's really bad.
AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:
FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: I'd give it less if i could. The dipshits behind the counter couldn't orchestrate my order and the homey trying to claim her free burger with the voucher that actually read 'free small soda'. At one point there were four idiots staring at the register with one brain cell between them and a manager trying to work out how I might be able to pay. Totally fucking useless.
ONE HOUR LATER: No problems, maybe a little sugar high.
BELLS AND WHISTLES: Stale fries, though as I said the drink was ice cold like Graham's beers in Vanimo.
july 14th 2006 | missus hamburger
franks bar and restuarant, vienna | mister hamburger
nick burns on nicks and razor burn