June 13, 2005
the two-twenty guide to new york for australians
your accent
When you first move to New York City, you will not be understood by everyone. You will find this frustrating, especially when your New Yorker friends translate your excruciatingly simple phrases to people whose accents you can clearly comprehend. Please remember that though Australia has produced some terrific films that Americans love (and understand), Hollywood's missionaries converted you first, and hard.
Eventually, your accent will go the way of Mel Gibson's -- for which your friends back home will taunt you endlessly. In the meantime, know that chicks in New York think that guys with Australian accents are sexy, while the opposite is true for Ozzie women, unless you look and sound like Nicole Kidman.
Oh, and if someone thinks you're British here, it's a compliment. Americans, and New Yorkers, think people with British accents are superior. Two-twenty hypothesizes that this is the national equivalent of wanting to sleep with a smug, happily-married ex you dumped in high school.
words and abbreviations
New Yorkers do not have the same panache for abbreviating words as you. Sure, we try, but rarely do we succeed. Generally -- and it's better this way -- we leave the pastime to our Outback -- America. That's where Deborah, that woman you just met, was called Debbie until she packed up for the Big Apple. Our collective talent lies more in inspiring Deborah to pronounce Target "Tar-Jay." This works very much in your favor: since you come from a far-away land, teaching a New Yorker that MacDonalds is called Maccas will be met with appreciative giddiness. We enjoy the irony of faux-sophistication, and like to know things others don't (it makes us feel British). So please teach us your shortenings and sobriquets. We can not understand you otherwise, at least initially.
Hmm. You don't have to tell us about "thongs", though. We like when men talk about their thongs. Well, Joanna does.
miss/ma'am
The only time it is acceptable to call a New York woman "Ma'am" is if she has let her hair gone grey. If her hair is grey from old age, she will not take umbrage, having long embraced her erstwhile "Miss" status; if her hair has gone grey prematurely and she has not colored it, you have done a good deed and provided her with a much needed impetus to go to the salon. Do not call a woman with less than half-an-inch of grey roots Ma'am unless you are mean.
tipping
You are expected to pay at least 20% on top of your bill. Anything less means you were dissatisfied with your meal and/or service. The repercussions can be brutal. Note that the 20% rule also applies to a bar tab. If you pay as you go, the minimum gratuity is $1 a drink.
portion sizes
Even if you have seen Super-Size Me, you will be astonished by how large portions are here. Especially drinks. A general rule of thumb: large=small, unless you're in a movie theater (cinema), where small=child size.
Shots are also large, by the way, but we imagine that will be a surprise too pleasant to question.
australian for beer
For as long as Americans who have lost brain cells from drinking beer can remember, Fosters has aggressively sought to persuade us that their beer is all you guys drink. Therefore, do not be surprised if New Yorkers welcome you to our land with a can (tin) of it. We are trying to make you feel at home. Our resident Aussie suggests Brooklyn Lager as an alternative to your beloved VB, or perhaps a Bud.
light beer
Because Americans are fat alcoholics, light beer in New York has the same amount of alcohol (nearly, anyway), but fewer calories than regular beer. No, it does not taste as good.
Not even Sam Adams Light.
fighting
If you find yourself in a situation where fisticuffs seem imminent, issue a final threat in the broadest Aussie accent you can muster. New Yorkers think Australians are rough; you'll never have to throw a punch.
first trip to the supermarket
Due to limited space, New York supermarkets are comparably tiny to the supermegacrazymarkets found elsewhere in this country. Nonetheless, you will find a dazzling array of food and drink and god-knows-what-else in colorful packages with descriptions of their contents written in English. Many of you will be compelled to buy these victuals and potables for sheer amusement value. By all means, do. New Yorkers tend to behave similarly when abroad in America. Just, please, do not leave them at your New Yorker-friend's house, to whom that candy you thought was really fucking weird and funny is just really fucking gross.
That's all for now. Let us know if we missed anything, mate.
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