June 28, 2005
fifth avenue coffee | mister hamburger
Fifth Ave Coffee 389 5th Ave (36th street), 212-686-3560
Note: Home delivery burgers get rated higher than burgers in resto's because it is a very difficult art form to make and send out a burger and have it at your place in good condition. For example, this one gets 5 hamburgers first impression, but it would get 2 in a resto...
BURGER NAME: Cheese burger deluxe with bacon
FIRST IMPRESSION: 
These guys get a golden hamburger hat. They seperate the fries in a tin pan thing, which means they stay crispy unlike any other monkeys who run diners in Midtown, especially those twats at Blue Moon or whatever it's called. I hate those idiots. The burger was in a little plastic thing which didn't squash the bun at all.
APPEARANCE: I mean, it is not five hamburgers in a restaurant, but for home delivery, it is for sure. I could have married this hamburger at home and been happy.
MEAT: 
not special. Overcooked though the texture was okay.
BUN: Little dry, which Mister Hamburger never likes. Mister Hamburger doesn't like too moist either. There are only a couple of places Mister Hamburger likes moist and his buns are not one of them.
PACKAGE: 
Really goddam impressive.
TASTE: 
With the beauty of the burger, Mister Hamburger was preppared for a fucking brilliant burger but was let down. It was alright, but nothing at all special.
DRIPPYNESS: Almost no drips at all, but the cheese was melted well all over the patty which was good, so it got one hamburger.
MEAT TEXTURE : Average.
MEAT COLOR: Stunning and lovely, but again, the cook must paint these things with good looking hamburger sauce ($19.95 rrp.) because it didn't taste that good. Maybe it was made of cat.
SIZE: Enormous.
VALUE: Enormous.
COOKED TO SPECS: Slightly over cooked. American diner cooks largely seem scared to cook things so they remain bloody.
AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: He certainly tried but I couldn't taste the passion of a true gold burger hat winner. He spent too long making it pretty and not enough time making it good.
FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: 
Relatively fast delivery so everything was ready to eat when it arrived which was refreshing, though the whole experience was soured on the part of all my neighbors having a convention to talk about the Co-Op board right outside my door. To complicate things, my dog was trying to escape and I could feel everyone looking at me thinking he is the guy who didn't tip enough and now we have "cheap ass" written on the wall outside the elevators with an arrow to my door (which we do, and Mister Hamburger has tried and tried to clean it off, but I can't. It is in blue biro. If anyone has any magic tips which won't further ruin the lovely wallpaper, then tell me.)
ONE HOUR LATER: Too many damned fries which I have to try to eat. Felt a little full later, but that could have been on account of 3000 beers and shots over the past 4 days and the fact I was in bed watching the golden girls which will make anyone sick (it never fails to kill the old people that watch it). Was a fucking huge burger too, which I tried to but couldn't finish.
BELLS AND WHISTLES: Crunchy fries, and the disgusting shit things called pickles were wrapped inoffensively with white paper making it much easier to pick it up and throw it out. Mister Hamburger hates pickles and those long green vegetable type things.
FINAL IMPRESSION: Like a really sexy bitch thats phenomenally bad in bed.
july 14th 2006 | missus hamburger
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