July 01, 2005
mcdonalds, 23rd and madison | mister hamburger
McDonalds Family Resto, 23rd and Mad.
BURGER NAME: #3 meal - Quarter Pounder with Cheese, fries and a minute maid fake juice.
FIRST IMPRESSION: 
Had they not had the paper on the tray that had a big picture of golden fries it would have gotten one.
APPEARANCE: 
The bun was on crooked and I had to rotate it to make it look slightly edible i my photo. The meat was only half on the bun and i couldn't push it back because the cheese had melted it into position.
MEAT: 
Mister Hamburger used to work there.
BUN: 
Now, Mister Hamburger is going to tell you a little story about MacDonalds. Once I took acid and went to a dancing party at a large discoteque. After the cops came and shut it down, I went to a party at someone's house where I was pressured into smoking bongs of Pachouchi from a bong that was shaped like a 14 inch penis. It strongly resembled Mister Hamburger's hot beef injector in fact. A little small perhaps. Ask any of the girls at Coffee Shop. That's why they walk funny. It has nothing to do with the 8 inch pumps they wear. Anyway, I started freaking out a little but and took the train directly to work where Mister Hamburger was put onto Hamburger bun cooking duties. Mister Hamburger was pretty fucked up and worked very hard and soon enough the hangover from the acid kicked in and Mister Hamburger was found fast asleep in the rack of cheeseburger buns - the quarter pounder and big mac buns had too much texture for a solid sleep because of the sesame seeds. A manager found Mister Hamburger asleep in the buns and made him keep working which was a bad idea. Dozens of blisters later, Mister Hamburger was sent home. The buns were very comfortable and for many years Mister Hamburger has sought a mattress from Mister Sleepy. Sadly they don't sell them. With exception of the rack of buns I slept in, McDonald's buns have lots of sugar and are cooked very well. To perfection in fact. Mister Hamburger loves McDonalds buns.
PACKAGE: Solid, though I felt like I was being beaten into it by the lesser Hamburger gods towards it. The greater gods were telling me to go to Shake Shack across the street but it was raining.
TASTE: Once, when Mister Hamburger was Master Hamburger, he used to eat at Balwyn McDonalds which was the best one in the world. Once his friends dad, who was a fucking hippy crunchy prick who always complained his meat was grey told me he thought it was actually sawdust. What a dick Master Hamburger thought. Now I know he was right. He is still a dick though and his marriage actually ended badly because he was such a loser.
DRIPPYNESS: Dry.
MEAT TEXTURE : Sawdust.
MEAT COLOR: Cool from the outside, but kinda sketchy if they don't cook it enough which is hard seeing as the grills are timed. I know. I worked there. when the patties come from the freezer, they are hard like a brick and smash if you drop them on the floor.
SIZE: Just too much. Good sizes at Maccas.
VALUE: Cheap as shit. And a good view up Madison.
COOKED TO SPECS: 
The thing is with Macca's it is all or nothing. Everything in the fucking place is timed. The fries the drinks the burgers even the ketchup portions. If they somehow manage to fuck that up, they get 0 hamburgers.
AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Exactly the amount of love you get for $6 an hour. Mister Hamburger knows. He worked there.
FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Typical Macca's fucking bitch, but quick for a change. Once I heard a joke about a guy who had to wait for his meal and the lady said she was sorry about the wait, and he told that bitch "Take a couple of jogs around the block and maybe you'll lose it." Fuck yeah. I mean really, for $6 an hour how can you afford to eat so much your gut hangs below your belt?
ONE HOUR LATER: Designed to be digested easily.
BELLS AND WHISTLES: 
Years and years and millions of dollars in development, how can it be bad.
FINAL IMPRESSION: I mean - it's still Maccas, Mister Hamburger's first love.
july 14th 2006 | missus hamburger
franks bar and restuarant, vienna | mister hamburger
nick burns on nicks and razor burn