August 14, 2005
schnäck | mister hamburger
Schnäck, 122 Union Street, Brooklyn, 718.855.2879
BURGER NAME: Best Deal, Quad burger, swiss cheese, bacon, lettuce tomato. $6
FIRST IMPRESSION: 
While the bun looked a little shiny when they put it in front of Mister Hamburger as though they had spilt a little oil on it, it looked fucking good. The burger would have had 4 hamburgers, but Mister Hamburger absolutely hates brooklyn and everything to do with it, and this was a long goddamn ride from midtown on the stupid F train. Plus, the fucking waitress took the piss out of Mister Hamburger and Mister Hamburger's friends when we ordered too much beer. Bitch. If you're reading this, bite Mister Hamburger.
APPEARANCE: 
A small tower of a hamburger, but well proportioned all the same. The colors in the store made it look even better.
MEAT: Great meat, could faintly taste the charred meat that had been cooking on the grill all night which was a highlight, and the flavor was strong enough to permeate the entire package.
BUN: Fresh bread, not toasted at all - a big fuck up. Why doesn't everyone lightly toast their buns? If you don't do it, then the burger is like some yard sale special or a corner food cart job. I mean, a little bit of toasting isn't too much for mister Hamburger to ask is it?
PACKAGE: Looked sexy. Colorful. But I guess they have the hipster money and flair to make it look good out there in Brooklyn. Doesn't matter if it tastes like shit, and is served with attitude, just so long as it looks good. Being that far deep into Brooklyn, Mister Hamburger was surprised they didn't put little baby Ipod buds into the side of the burger or something equally fucking stupid.
TASTE: 
Everything was very good. Solid three burgers. Mister Hamburger said four hamburgers part of the way though, but he was wrong. Mister Hamburger was, after all, in Brooklyn.
DRIPPYNESS: Good amount of drippyness, though the problem was that the drips did not really amass into one part of the burger like usual and drip onto Mister Hamburgers bib, instead it sort of dispersed all over Mister Hamburger's hands, which Mister Hamburger does not like. Mister Hamburger likes to sip on his balloon of Cognac during his hamburgers without getting grease all over the glass. Thats a lie. He was drinking beer out of little plastic cups. Cool. Brooklyn losers.
MEAT TEXTURE : Good meat, good cows in Brooklyn. The cows there must love listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's all the time and drinking Pabst Blue ribbon.
MEAT COLOR: Pabst gives the cows good color too evidently.
SIZE: Mister Hamburger was achingly hungry, and the burger was a good size to fill his pained stomach. It should be noted however, Mister Hamburger does not want to stomach any more shit from Brooklyn for a while. 12 minutes on the F train Mister Hamburgers fat ass.
VALUE: 
Six bucks was pretty good for this burger, and the beer was cheap to, though it cost four bucks for Mister and Missus Hamburger to get out there and then another twenty something to get home in a taxicab. That makes it bad value. Oh - and you have to order the fries separately, that sucks.
COOKED TO SPECS: The guy who is featured on this site holding the hello kitty bong was sitting next to Mister Hamburger and he said he was asked how he wanted the burger done. They did not ask Mister Hamburger.
AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Good chef. He had to work in roughly 120 degree heat in the shitty brooklyn sweathouse. That's dedication. And he was chewing a match. Cool. No ipod buds, even cooler.
FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: The next cracker living in a reclaimed/gentrified neighborhood of New York City to give me any type of attitude for no reason other than they are so fucking cool because they looove brooklyn or the bronx is going to force Mister Hamburger, who is also a founding member of the two twenty slasher gang, to set his entire gang of switch blade carrying bad asses onto him to cut him a new ass hole.
ONE HOUR LATER: Full.
BELLS AND WHISTLES: Would have been three, because they were very good fries, slim and crispy for the most part, but the problem was that we had to order them separately. That's stupid.
FINAL IMPRESSION: Good solid burger. Fuck Brooklyn.
july 14th 2006 | missus hamburger
franks bar and restuarant, vienna | mister hamburger
nick burns on nicks and razor burn