December 20, 2005
burger king, crab air base (forward operating base warrior), northern iraq | mister hamburger
BURGER NAME: Whopper with Cheese meal, $5.25
FIRST IMPRESSION: 
Kebabs, roast chicken, slop from the mess halls throughout Iraq. A burger is clearly a welcomed treat anywhere on the planet, but in the land of shitty kebabs, and even worse KBR contracted army food, a Burger King was a surprise. Four hamburgers for the sheer fact they were there.
APPEARANCE: 
It would have gotten two hamburgers, but Mister Hamburger has a little sympathy considering this food has been driven up in armed convoys from Kuwait along some of the most dangerous roads on earth. The bun was a little soggy, almost as though it had been microwaved, but the sauces and the amount of lettuce were pleasing.
MEAT: Well grilled. The guys working in the BK were all south Asian, Mister Hamburger is not sure exactly where from, but wherever it is Mister Hamburger would like to go, because they know how to cook a burger patty. They are 100% better than those idiots in the U.S. Burger Kings.
BUN: Not Iraqi bread, but sadly a little soggy.
PACKAGE:
TASTE: Mister Hamburger loves fast food, especially when it is hard to get. This Burger king is one of two in Iraq, and the one in Baghdad is hard to access because Mister Hamburger does not have a Dept. of Defence card to access the base. Also, it is hard to justify driving down the infamous airport road where there are daily attacks and bombings, for a cheeseburger. Thus, the burger gets a higher than average rating, because Burger King Iraq are a bunch of hard asses.
DRIPPYNESS: Burger King always has good drippyness. It is that strange but good tasting white sauce stuff they use.
MEAT TEXTURE : Good, and good thickness.
MEAT COLOR:
SIZE: The south Asians liked Mister Hamburger, and must have given him extra fries, because when Mister Hamburger got back to his tent, he discovered his bag was over flowing with fries.
VALUE: 
Everything in Iraq is tax free, except stupid Burger King - they make everyone pay full price. Mister Hamburger suspects this is to pay off the families who sacrificed drivers and soldiers who are forced to drive the ingredients from Kuwait. Mister Hamburger is sad for those dead people, though Mister Hamburger wonders if American Soldiers really need Burger King in a combat zone?
COOKED TO SPECS: Pretty good, but missing salt in the fries and the bun could have been better.
AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Would have been three, but Mister Hamburger suspected use of a Microwave there.
FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: No attitude, no shit service. Fast turnaround. We need more of these fellows to work in the States, because those shit eating morons at any chain store in the United States really make ordering burgers a nightmare. If you are reading this Macca's and BK employees of America, kill yourself, you rude selfish arrogant fuckers.
ONE HOUR LATER: 
Not local food.
BELLS AND WHISTLES: Canned drinks and the fries were not salted enough.
FINAL IMPRESSION: It is thanks to the U.S. air force that this base has so many little stores like this Burger King, there are at least 6 including a Taco Bell. The air force are known widely to have good food at their bases, and to look after their soldiers, but sadly the air force are a bunch of dicks. On the way to the humvee that was picking up Mister Hamburger, an Air Force police officer stopped the driver, an army guy, and gave him a ticket for stopping in a no parking area. The driver tried to explain that he was just picking up Mister Hamburger, but the air force cop would not have a bar of it. Can you imagine? In a serious and brutal combat zone, some loser stops a car on a military base to give out a ticket for not paying enough attention to road rules? Mister Hamburger thinks that the air force policemen should be given rifles with no ammunition and sent across the wire to have a look at what the soldiers are dealing with off base.
july 14th 2006 | missus hamburger
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