two-twenty

social lubrication • post/haste

You may remember Chris London from the cover of the Times Sunday Styles section a couple of weeks ago, or perhaps from our little expose here at two-twenty. Our crack team of unemployed bums, er, investigative journalists, found that Mr. London, Esq. has popped up in quite a few articles about dating in New York, among them separate features in New York Magazine by Amy Sohn and Vanessa Grigoriadis (for the record, Mr. London thinks Ms. Grigoriadis is a dreamboat with brains and talent to boot, and has less kind things to say about Ms. Sohn).

Anyhoo, as anyone who read our post(s) already knows, our portrayal of Mr. London – although all in good fun – was somewhat less than flattering. So imagine our surprise when two-twenty (full disclosure: the fairer half of two-twenty) received an email from the lascivious lawyer, followed by a snapshot (that we can't, for some reason, un-embed from his email) and then, wonder of wonders, an invitation to a holiday party!

Two-twenty’s spidey sense tingled, suspecting a trap. But when Mr. London insisted, seemed genuine, and offered to comp us (our first press junket!), we agreed. The event was held at a bar located near Wall Street, a place we studiously avoid lest we upset the delicate goings-on down there that feed the pitifully small remnants of our trust funds. There was a dance floor, and a multi-colored disco light display, and “Play That Funky Music, White Boy” was played, we believe by a white boy. We drank, oh how we drank. We met Mr. London, who was an exceedingly good sport, and whose previously demonstrated mediawhorishness and self-aggrandizement were offset and perhaps even overcome by a genuineness reminiscent of some of the best personalities on Average Joe.

So, to Chris London, Esq., a thank you note:

Dear Chris,

Firstly, two-twenty finds we must apologize for the tardiness of our note; punctuality was never our strong point, and our practice of genteel protocol does not always live up to our firm theoretical belief in it.

Moving on, we would like to sincerely thank you (and Murph!) for allowing us to join you and your friends for your “downtown revival” holiday party last week. As we do not frequently (okay, ever) circulate in Manhattan’s “financial world”, it was exciting to see that the New York Stock Exchange is still standing! Two-twenty regrets that we didn’t stick around and get drunk enough to dance, but we know we would have regretted it even more if we had. Your magnaminous attitude in the face of snark (apologies to gawker) is a rare thing indeed, these days. Those who have come before you took lemons and made lemonade, but you went one further and had the bartender make us all kamikazes. Repeatedly.

So best of luck to you, erstwhile lawyer, lover, and liver of a life unlimited. We salute your spirit, and now know who to call when the pressure of dating in New York gets us (well, Alex), uh, down.

p.s. careful with that blog, London. Two-twenty watches and you are liable to get your reputation back!

p.p.s. the verdict is still out on whether or not we’ll be able to swing by the NYE party at the Chelsea Museum you’re "guest bartending" at tonight. Sounds like fun, but Chelsea is so 2001. Regardless, we of course heartily encourage all of Manhattan's single ladies to go tonight, if only for the opportunity to check out the mysterious NYC phenom that is: Chris London, Esq.

anna anna anorectic anna nicole • post/haste

Anna Nicole Smith has once again proven herself to be the Madonna of the trailer trash set by reinventing herself (again) with the help of Trimspa. Sure the pills are legal -- and ephedra free -- but having watched two seasons of Anna scarf down everything but Sugar Pie, we're 99% certain that the active ingredient of Trimspa's formula x32 is speed speed speed. Here's hoping her new svelte figure will incite E! to renew her show for another season so we can see her hopped up on mother's little helpers instead of slurring and stumbling on painkillers.

TrimSpa.com

we have some nerve | joanna • post/haste

Too bad Alex's dating life is still practically non-existent... if it weren't he could perhaps be one of the six men and women Nerve will select to chronicle their dating experiences on the Nerve personals homepage. Soon enough, soon enough. Ash and I spent a solid chunk of time working on Alex's Salon personal today. Well, Ash did. And I edited. Oh how I edited. Will post some of Ash's better gems as soon as I recover from the stroke his ridiculously funny commentary induced.

Personals Blog | Nerve

sunday stylin' • post/haste

Wow, what a Sunday Styles section. Two-twenty learned that race issues have gone postmodern, lots of people drink a lot (and sometimes rich people puke too), and people are connecting socially through something called the "Internet". We already learned lesson 1 from Seinfeld - remember Elaine's frustratingly beige boy-pal? We will not deign to talk about lessons 2 and 2b except to say that if Britney puked in the woods it would definitely make a sound and would probably show up on ET, or at least Page Six, as well. Lesson 3 was interesting in the sense that some dorks who look at naked chicks on the Web threw a party in Bushwick and it was covered in the Times! Suckahs.

The piece about ethnic ambiguity being the new hottness did finally solve one mystery - why the A & F Quarterly folded. Their 98% aryan prep school fantasy mag would never survive the influx of "color" necessary to maintain its relevance.

Fashion & Style | NY Times

last dispatch from the briar patch | alex • post/haste

Merry Christmukkah and a happy Festivus to all!

Well, it's over. Tonight I will be back in the big apple, leaving bean town behind. It strikes me now that Manhatan's food-based nickname refers to the international symbol for sin, while Boston's references a legume infamous for inducing flatulence. Huh. On a related note, eight of the eighteen contestants on the new Average Joe are from the Boston area. Seriously. I would link to the Globe article that proves it but the Gray Lady's red-headed stepchild of a newspaper has a terrible website and you have to pay to access items that are older than like an hour.

Also, just in case you weren't convinced, Ugg is over. The Xmas Globe featured an article talking about how in they are (by my count that is about two weeks for a Times to Globe style conversion). Among the celebrities pictured wearing them: Nicole Richie and Pammy Anderson. Is it just me or do those seem like weird selections?

While I get ready to catch my ride back to civilization, feel free to go check out Salon's ten best films of '03 list. Lost in Translation is number one, which I suppose I agree with, but A Mighty Wind is also on there and while mildly amusing it was the worst-paced and least funny of the Guest flicks. If there were not ten better movies than that this year then it must have been a pretty bad year.

The 10 best movies of 2003 | Salon

gazillion bombs a bombing | joanna • post/haste

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. While I sit in the cozy confines of 220 writing preposterously meditative, caffeine-infused Christmas e-mails to friends far and wide, Baghdad is seeing more fire than Jacko on his ill-fated Pepsi shoot. Ash has accepted Kettle One as payment for our wager, and since a large portion of the bang-bang occurred right outside his house, I graciously upped the prize to two bottles without any prompting. Hmm. Vodka doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now. It's a holiday spirit, isn't it?

Mortar Round Hits Baghdad Hotel | NY Times

barbie sleeps with the fishes | alex • post/haste

Looks like I'm not the only one stuck in New England looking for ways to amuse myself...

'Barbie Lobster' Becomes Fishermen's Favorite | Fox News

god's love for sale • post/haste

As if invading science fiction literature and "rock music" wasn't enough, those wacky Christians have decided to breach what two-twenty has always assumed was the very sanctuary, the very fortress on the hill, of secularism - the teen fashion magazine. The Morning News points out this disturbing development in their quite useless Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers.

Yes, it is the New Testament disguised as Cosmo Girl, and you can save by pairing this spiritual selection with the Extreme Teen Bible! I don't know if the latter is any good, but we did once own a video called Extreme Teen Blowjobs and at least half of two-twenty seems to remember getting a lot of enjoyment out of that. Come to think of it, betcha Extreme Teen Bi Belles wouldn't be half bad either.

Revolve: The Complete New Testament | Amazon (via The Morning News)

In related news, Christian mommies exploit good old fashioned movie fun to further brainwash their helpless offspring. Oh, and to shill their crappy book.

Teens and "The Lord of the Rings" | Christian-Mommies.com (heh)

notes from the home office | joanna • post/haste

On behalf of the currently all-chick two-twenty and our hometown of New York City, I would like to take the opportunity to welcome the rest of the United States to terrorist-threat-level orange, where we in Gotham have been sitting relatively pretty since September 11th 2001. Word from our man in Bags is that the media stationed in Iraq have also been prepared for a holly-jolly bang-bang Christmas, prompting Ash and I to wager, in typical macabre fashion, on who's gonna get messed with first. He's so sure that he'll win this one he set the stakes at a bottle of aged Johnny Walker -- a poison on my very short list of unpalatable potables. On general wagering principles I almost contended that a bottle of Kettle One was a more egalitarian prize for not getting wailed on by nut jobs, but since calling his sat phone costs about $1.40 a minute and more than one of our telephone exchanges have been punctuated by the sound of distant fire, the money seemed better spent on the booze -- his booze. So Ash, if you're reading this, you’ll take what you get and what you'll get is vodka.

As close readers of two-twenty no doubt already know, Alex is currently home in the bucolic suburbs of Boston for the holidaze. Given we enable each other in bad habits as much as we do productive practices, it's likely that you'll see a slight decline in our postings while the hive mind operates long-distance. Nonetheless, we will try our hardest to keep you, our dear readers, properly distracted from the impending doom.

Amid Terror Concerns, Ridge Urges Mix of Calm and Caution | NY Times
Military in Iraq Is Warned of Attacks During Holidays | NY Times

monstrous motorvehicles menace MA malls | alex • post/haste

Continuing my theme of Beantown media analysis, I started the day by forcing my little sister to go to the end of the driveway and pick up today's Globe. Then I did the crossword, which was so not edited by Will Shortz. Then I got down to business.

Today's headline, obviously, welcomed metro Boston to the now-nationwide Orange Club, whose members have the distinct privilege of not knowing whether or not a huge bomb lies in wait for them around the next corner. Sort of like Ben Affleck's career recently (Jesus, I sound like a writer for The Tonight Show. Somebody shoot me).

The day's really meaty story, however, was just below the fold: Massachusetts is being beseiged by large trucks and SUVs, and they are making our treasured mall parking lots, if not the new killing fields, then at least somewhat annoying and unsafe. You see (or don't, as the case may be), these slab-sided behemoths create dozens if not thousands of blind alleys: "'You can't see,' said Plymouth resident Tim Cipriani on a recent afternoon outside Independence Mall in Kingston. 'You kind of poke out [of a space] and, hopefully, someone will see your back-up lights and yield.'"

Just when I was getting ready to go out and fight the good fight by throwing molotov cocktails at every Excursion in sight, a quote from Patrick Donovan, town planner for Hanover, calmed me down: "Parking lots are dangerous places. You don't get a lot of deaths, but there are a lot of fender-benders and bumps." I then realized that the whole thing is one big insurance scam and took off to go firebomb the local Geico and Allstate offices instead.

That is what I learned from the Globe today. Oh, and that Wellesley students were upset when the film crew for Mona Lisa Smile wouldn't hire black students as extras, despite the fact that Wellesley's student body was like less than one half of one percent black during the time the movie portrays. Young liberal girls are so precious.

Jesus Christ I am bored. Please forgive me if my boredom rubs off on you.

Big vehicles put shoppers in parking squeeze | Boston Globe

mr. and mrs. dicaprio? • post/haste

According to TeenHollywood.com -- okay, maybe not the most reputable news source -- Gisele has finally accepted Leo's hand in marriage. The former Pussy Posse ringleader reportedly kicked down the proposal over the summer with a $212,000 ring, but Gisele waited until just a few weeks ago to say yes, a delay her blabbing "friend" says is typical for Brazillian women. The news, if it is in fact true, will likely come as a shock to no one because no one cares anymore.

Leo And Gisele To Wed Next Year | TEENHOLLYWOOD.COM

from the not-so-foreign office | alex • post/haste

As this half of two-twenty is stuck in a suburb tucked neatly between Boston and Hell for the better part of a week, I thought I'd take the opportunity to report on the state of the Boston media. I started my project today with the Arts & Entertainment section of the Boston Globe. The Big Story (3/4 of the section's front page) was a neat little piece called "Odes To Joy", the premise of which was to give local artists an opportunity to write a song about joy, or what passes for it in the Boston area. I thought I would share with you Cambridge-based singer/songwriter Jess Klein's take on the subject. Although no title is given, I suppose that due to the nature of the assignment the default title would be "Joy":

Joy is falling so you can rise
Ashes, snow
Childhood indents square
Snap froze wood
Blood falls
Rosebedding white
'til you melt

Now you're walkin' to school
Sun streaming the sludge on your boots singing'
"there's always something there to remind me"

Joyous, indeed. When asked for her interpretation of "depression", Ms. Klein simply shot herself.

australian for sperm • post/haste

Due to an upcoming change in Australian legislature that will entitle all children to identify their parentage upon reaching adulthood, sperm banks in the country have been seeing a steep decline in donations. One resourceful clinic placed ads in a Canadian student newspaper offering two-week holidays Down Under in exchange for eligible spooge. The only thing we at two-twenty want to know is, why Canada? All the blokes there are wankers. Oh. We get it now.

Sperm donors rush for Australia holiday offer | BBC NEWS

bombs away • post/haste

According to the Daily Mirror, Ben Affleck's new movie Paycheck, the one that shows every sign of bombing at the box office, will premier not in LA, nor New York, but in a place where bombs explode all the time. Yes, that's right, in Baghdad. With Ben in attendence. If Philip K. Dick (the author of the story that the film is based upon and a two-twenty fave) weren't dead, he'd surely be inspired by these events to pen an eerie post-apocalyptic yarn about a Hollywood nimrod who visits one of the most perilous places on earth to promote his film... and dies.

BEN BAGHDAD PREMIERE | 3 am, Mirror.co.uk

asciiraq • post/haste

This morning the New York Times swapped out a real live photo from Iraq for this super-fancy digitalized masterpiece to serve as its primary image on their Struggle for Iraq page:

Yeah, big props for Mister Tom Zeller and his artful shoving of that old bearded-Saddam pic through a Photoshop plugin.

Just for fun, two-twenty made our own html-ified version of one of Ash's photos in today's Times using Text-Image.com's conversion tool. And you thought ASCII art had gone the way of, say, illustratated war coverage.

when bad things happen to bad films • post/haste

Ooof. Things are not looking so good for the new Affleck vehicle, "Paycheck". The lead blurb atop today's double-page spread in the Times reads: "Unlike any film you've seen before or will likely see again!" Is that good? The quote, by the way, is from Earl Dittman of the almost entirely fictional "Wireless Magazines". Mr. Dittman is quite possibly the most notorious hired gun hack ever to attend a studio press junket.

Other "media outlets" quoted in the ad include "Dark Horizons" and "Univision", along with the usual assortment of local network affiliates. In fact, the only quote from anyone whose critical faculties can in any way be fairly assessed reads merely "Double hot." Sorry, "DOUBLE HOT!" Two-twenty imagines the original sentence that this gem was so carefully carved from: "Given the choice between watching this movie or being stuck in the eye with a glowing hot coat hanger while simultaneously being reamed in the ass with an also-very-hot poker, I would choose the DOUBLE HOT!"

Rubbing salt in the wound is the spread for "Return of the King" on the very next page, with blurbs from losers like David Ansen, Lisa Schwarzbaum, and Elvis Mitchell.

love in an elevator | joanna • post/haste

Turns out Alex had an electrically-charged interlude in the elevator the other night with an unknown woman he described as a "hottie" upon coming home (only slightly tight). Their conversation was too dull to bother to relate here, but she did touch his arm as she made her exit onto the sixth floor. Yes, we have contact. Have brought in doormen to help identify Miss Six. Believe it to be an especially opportune time to employ their sleuthing services as t'is Christmas bilking season. (Note to self: extra five spot for whoever identifies her first.)

michael xxx • post/haste

Today’s Daily News reports that rumors of Michael Jackson’s religious team-switching were greatly exaggerated. Jackson’s “official mouthpiece” (gee, we could do a lot with that one, but we’ll leave it to you) stated simply, “That’s not true.” The mouthpiece added, “Michael has always been a Jehovah's Witness." Well, the Witnesses do ascribe to the theory of “get ‘em while they’re young”… ooh, maybe we should have left that one to you as well.

This is an unfortunate development, as two-twenty has been examining the tenets of Islam and how they might suit Jacko’s lifestyle. Preliminary research has led us to resounding evidence suggesting MJ may have already studied the Koran, specifically the following two passages describing Muslim Paradise:

In Gardens of Bliss: A number of people from those of old, And a few from those of later times. (They will be) on Thrones encrusted (with gold and precious stones), Reclining on them, facing each other. Round about them will (serve) youths of perpetual (freshness), With goblets, (shining) beakers, and cups (filled) out of clear-flowing fountains: No after-ache will they receive therefrom, nor will they suffer intoxication: And with fruits, any that they may select: And the flesh of fowls, any that they may desire. And (there will be) Companions with beautiful, big, and lustrous eyes,- Like unto Pearls well-guarded. 56:12-23

Doesn’t that sound exactly like the scene at Neverland Ranch? But wait, there’s more…

And round about them will (serve) youths of perpetual (freshness): If thou seest them, thou wouldst think them scattered Pearls. And when thou lookest, it is there thou wilt see a Bliss and a Realm Magnificent. Upon them will be green Garments of fine silk and heavy brocade, and they will be adorned with Bracelets of silver; and their Lord will give to them to drink of a Wine Pure and Holy. 76: 19-21

Boys, brocade and wine. Paradise on earth.

media empire tightens grip on trendy terminology • post/haste

In a masterstroke of media savvy, weblog Gawker today rendered 90% of its online competition irrelevant. By releasing a list of words deemed no longer "hott" in '04, the site at once established an easily understandable measuring stick by which other sites may be gauged. Indeed, the new criteria could also affect an assortment of newspaper columns, magazines, media personalities, Lower East Side conversations, and VH1.

Among the newly banned words: "snarky", "kutcher", "metrosexual", and "hipster". Analysts assure two-twenty that the vast majority of Manhattan-based media will not be able to recover from this gutting of their lexicon. However, to ensure the site's place at the top of 2004's media heap, Gawker also specifically allowed several terms, including "hilton", "tina brown", and "blogs".

A Memo from Gawker's Ombudsman | um, Gawker

gray lady's grave gossip • post/haste

Jesus, someone hand us a razor blade. After yesterday's attitude-laden edition of Boldface Names, two-twenty decided to give it one more try. Unfortunately, it looks like Joyce forgot her funny pill and instead took a dose of depressants.

Things we learned: as a young lass Charlize Theron witnessed her mother kill her father as he attacked her in a drunken rage. Not having fun yet? Howzabout this: Marcia Gay Harden's 10-year-old niece, along with the child's mother and brother, all died in a fire this week! Uh, Joyce, the obits are a few pages thataway. Thanks.

Boldface Names: And So, We Talked About Makeup | NY Times

boring baseball post, sorry | alex • post/haste

The NY Times leads today's Sports section with a quote from Sox owner Larry Lucchino calling the A-Rod deal "dead". The Boston Globe decides to temper a similar headline with "shortstop and his agent remain hopeful of a deal". I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I personally think that the deal will still happen, if only because so much bad blood has been spilled and so many wounds left gaping. The latest "deal is dead" pronouncements could just be an attempt by the Sox to shift the appearance of 'needing the deal' away from them and towards Texas. As with so many things, if it works I think it is a good ploy.

Right now though, the whole story is about cash money and greed. A-Rod was too greedy three years ago and is now saddled with a contract that prevents him from leaving a team he is not happy with. The players union is too greedy in enforcing their change-in-contract rules, and do not want to set a precedent whereby owners might seek to reduce player's contracts to current market levels during any trade. By which I mean that although the union is right in principle, in practice A-Rod has so much to gain by moving to Boston that the argument is not true in his case. Nomar may look good, but let us not forget that he and his agent have been whining about getting no respect when in fact none of this would be happening if Nomar had agreed to the 4-year $60M contract he was offered last year. Why didn't he take it? He wanted to wait and see if the market would improve.

Oddly, the only player who is smelling rosy right now is the often controversial Manny Ramirez. I would guess that this is the case only because his agent has told him to keep his trap shut until things settle down. Good advice.

Rodriguez Negotiation "Is Dead" Red Sox Say | NY Times
Trade embargo | Boston.com
Player not an innocent victim | Boston.com

jacko dumps numerology and psychic dogs for islam • post/haste

In what is surely a move intended to further de-stabilize the Middle East, Michael Jackson became a Muslim yesterday when he joined Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam.

Huh. We figured he was a shoo-in for scientology.

Jacko Finds Islam | NY Post

ultralounge makes for ultrasnark • post/haste

A group of people who are not particularly fond of us broke in to two-twenty HQ this morning, tied us up, drugged us, and forced us to read the Times' so-called gossip column. We were not surprised that we enjoyed the tying up part and the drugging part, but imagine our astonishment and horror when we let out a smirk and possibly even a snicker while reading Boldface Names!

Read it yourselves and tell us if we're crazy. Seems like receiving officious emails from snot-nosed press agents, getting the cold shoulder from P. Diddy, and witnessing pencil-stached Matt Dillon get dissed really brings out the snark!

Oh, and in response to aforementioned officious email, we would like to present this little multiple choice question:

"Marquee" is to "nightclub" as:
A. "feta" is to "cheese"
B. "Paris Hilton" is to "narcissistic slut"
C. "The Simple Life" is to "nearly unwatchable show we thought we were going to love"
D. "toxoplasma gondii" is to "a parasite found in domestic cats that studies show may actually alter the personalities of the cats' human owners, turning women into 'sex kittens' and men into 'alley cats'"

The email, if you can't bear to go to the Times' website, read: "Please refer to Marquee as an 'ultralounge' rather than a nightclub."

Boldface Names: Well, One Guy Is Available New Year's Eve | NY Times

born to gawk • post/haste

Uh, right, as if you're checking this site before Gawker. So consider the following link a simple happy birthday wish from us to them, as opposed to anything that might actually be useful.

p.s. rumor has it Gawker is pretty fit for a one-year-old.
p.p.s. two-twenty's blog-years-to-human-years conversion calculations indicate that Gawker is 29 and will remain so for the foreseeable future.

Happy Gawkerversary: Some Greatest Hits | Gawker (duh)

soul-selling in quest to defeat evil empire? | alex • post/haste

It has become the Paris Sex Tape of the baseball world: the A-Rod for Manny trade. People can’t stop talking about it. People can’t stop postulating and pontificating and prophesizing. Today's New York Times called the trade a “must” (yeah, what would you know about it anyway, graybeard?), and now crazy rumors are afoot involving a possible follow-up three-way between Boston, L.A. and Chi-town. See, I told you it was like the sex tape(s)! All I know is that next year’s looking pretty good from this Sox fan’s perspective, but I’d hate to see boy wonder Theo Epstein get so caught up in the monumentality of his trades that he forgets the basics. In other words, he’s got the best offense in the league as things stand right now.

A certain Manhattan-based Sox fan with a “web presence” brought up the possible emotional ramifications of losing hometown favorite Nomar, echoing some of my own concerns. Would a pennant, or jesus-mary-and-joseph a World Series victory, be the same without him? In my gut I feel like the Sox would be cheating Nomar by leaving him out of what is clearly a very serious run at the championship. But judging by their track record, if the numbers work they can’t afford to care.

A-Rod trade hits snag with union | msnbc.com
The Business of Emotion | Lockhart Steele

swine before pearls (and anything else except cash) • post/haste

We have begun making our holiday shopping list, that is, the list of things we would like people to buy for us. As of last night, two-twenty's big three Chrismukkah wishes were for a beach house, a dental plan, and a bunch of lightbulbs -- specifically the ones Philips makes (in Poland!) that supposedly last a whole year. However, we have just discovered a new item that in one fatty swoop made all other potential gifts seem utterly unnecessary. We want, no, we demand, a subscription to the The Grateful Palate's Bacon of the Month Club. While you're at it, feel free to throw in a membership to their wine club; bacon makes us thirsty. Thanks.

candy cane carpet-bombing • post/haste

You are perfectly capable of locating this sparkly little holiday jewel all on your own, but two-twenty is, after all, here to help.

Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force | The Onion

american retailer markets invisible clothes • post/haste

The whole Abercrombie & Fitch thing is pretty much over (proof: it took google .25 seconds to come up with about 31,200 results for the search terms "abercrombie fitch porn"). We just wanted to point out that two-twenty totally went to prep school in New England and every time we turned around we would run into a scene like this:

Truth be told, it got pretty boring after a while. If you like this sort of thing, more can be found here:

Abercrombie & Fitch Catalogue | on msn groups (via stereogum)

mishal, our belle • post/haste

Two-twenty is interested in more than just indulging our appetite for cultural snacks of the salty and sugary variety. Really, we are very worldly and conscious of current events. Helping us maintain a broad perspective on global affairs is our daily TiVo-ed episode of BBC News.

Recently, however -- oh who are we kidding, it's always been this way -- we have taken to discussing not only the message, but the messenger. We're not alone: there's an entire website devoted to ranking TV news anchors, based on the sole criteria of being the voter's "favorite". Well we have a favorite, oh yes we do, and she is as hot as the deliciously nutritious stories she dishes.

Ah, Mishal Husain. We love you.

Apparently we're not the only ones...

No babes, please, we're the BBC | The Globe and Mail
Democratic Underground Forums - BBC News Beefing Up U.S. Broadcasts

isn't it pretty to think so • post/haste

We're surprised there were no gawker stalker sightings of Bennifer this week, as it attended a holiday party thrown by one of its publicists in the city Monday night. Ben managed to disentangle his lips from JLo's ass long enough to weigh in on the Saddam issue and Bush's chances for re-election:

"If he capitalizes on [Saddam's capture] correctly, [Bush] could hang on to the office," stated the much sought-after campaign strategist. The vaunted foreign policy maven added, "If he were smart, he would declare victory right now and bring home the soldiers."

The celebrated ethicist and long-time student of the impact of culture and religion on international affairs had this to say about Saddam's fate: "I think it would be a mistake to execute him. You don't want any appearance of martyrdom."

Daily Dish & Gossip - Rush & Molloy | NY Daily News

transcending taped tryst with trillionaire trollop • post/haste

Is it true? Salon's The Fix reports that Shannen Doherty and Rick Solomon are back together again (!). If this is true, it would be so much bigger than, like, if Brenda and Dylan got over the whole Kelly thing and there was, like, a total Christmas special and like, they had, like, kids and... wait, it was Kelly who got to star(r) in this year's Christmas Special.

We cannot help but be slightly skeptical, if only because Salon's source is the Internet Movie Database. Don't get us wrong, we love the Imdb. But it's more famous for proving that Roger Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (like, a totally awesome movie -- seriously) than for cutting edge celebrity gossip. Adding to the confusion, Imdb cites Page Six as their source, but why would we even be talking about the Imdb or Salon if Page Six was involved?

Heh. Made it through that whole post without mentioning Paris Hilton or the phrase "sex tape". Fuck!

Movie & TV News | Imdb - 3rd item (via Salon)

what's good for the goose... • post/haste

Hmm. We would have thought that craigslist had run the gamut in terms of all the possible sexual, romantic, and just plain dirty social forums. Not the case! The site has added a new category called "miscellaneous romance". NOT to be confused with "casual encounters", thank you very much.

One of the first posts is promising: "Match My Million" is in his own words a "world-traveled journalist that [sic] has led a rich life". This well-off would-be playboy just needs one more million to pair with his already impressive assets in order to guarantee a carefree life of leisure for the both of you.

Niiiice. Trolling for rich bitches on craigslist. My, how the tables have turned.

miscellaneous romance in new york city | craigslist

looking into the sun • post/haste

Has been a big day here at two-twenty. Our soft launch was expertly stroked by gawker into something way hard; and Ash had the big news of being in the Big News. So we had a little celebratory champagne. And some booze. We hope you won't think any less of us, for we certainly don't think any less of you for indulging our... hey are you making a drink? I need a refill. Oh you are the best! Thank youuuu.

while you're gawking... | joanna • post/haste

Since two-twenty is receiving all kinds of attention today from gawker readers, I figure it might be a good time to post a picture of our datable-flat-mate, Alex. Actually, the gawker thing is just an excuse: Alex is at the gym right now -- that's right, ladies, he goes to the gym regularly -- and therefore unable to tacitly guilt-trip me into less pimp-like behavior. Clicking on the proceeding image will result in an almost-full-length pop-up of eligible eye candy.

ashley's is the centerfold • post/haste

Ash's marine-sliding-down-palace-bannister photo, already featured in Time's book 21 Days To Baghdad, is now available at your local newsstand as part of Time Magazine's "Year in Pictures 2003". We at two-twenty are taking our own advice and will be celebrating later by shooting rounds of vodka, not ammo.

in honor of tonight's television bitch-fest • post/haste

You might think that two-twenty would care about Survivor, in light of our monumental reality television problem. You’d be wrong. We couldn’t care less. Apparently it is over and some chick won and some guy was an asshole. Whatever. Of much greater interest to us are Tuesday night’s powerhouse duo, The Simple Life and Rich Girls, affectionately referred to around here (simply) as Simple Bitches and Rich Bitches. At first we thought we might prefer bitches of the simple variety, but time has taught us that we loooove the rich bitches. They have even redeemed themselves from that horrifically boring dog-centric episode a couple weeks back.

How did relative no-names Ally Hilfiger and Jamie Gleicher* beat out professionally trashy Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie in this battle of proletarian wet dreams? It’s simple, really.

First of all, we never thought the day would come, but two-twenty is beginning to tire of Miss Hilton. It’s sort of like when Letterman knows he has a bad joke, and tries to make it funny by referring to it again and again, and then it’s funny again for a minute, and then it is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY unfunny and you change the channel. As far as Nicole Ritchie goes, we sort of feel like we might have been better off never knowing she existed.

More importantly, Simple Bitches is a one-trick-pony. The admittedly dim and over-protected, but also over-produced, duo prance gaily through Altus fucking up the lives of the Arkansan lower-middle class. Along the way they swap some spit with the locals, and maybe their digestive systems process some DNA that hasn’t been pampered since birth, but in the end it’s all about taking and not giving. The girls, the producers, and FOX oddly all seem to be telling a morality tale admonishing people not to do what they are doing, the telling of which is making them all, quite simply, rich. Somehow this intense reflexivity makes the viewer feel complicit, and interferes with one’s ability to sit back and enjoy two idiots making fools out of themselves and their stylists.

Rich Bitches, on the other hand, is about adolescents emerging from the cocoon that is high school life. Their larval nature is made even more precious and tender by the insulating effects of vast sums of money. Paradoxically, this money also creates an illusion of maturity and worldliness, nowhere more powerfully real than in the girls’ own heads. This produces some enjoyably bizarre juxtapositions, such as last week when in the same episode Ally sincerely gushed about holding hands with a boy and also referred knowingly to Klonopin as “heavy shit”.

Of course, there are also the Simple Life-esque moments, when the girls’ absolute obliviousness to the lives of those around them is made abundantly clear. In the above-mentioned episode Ally and Jaime (and the entire film crew) basically shut down a boutique for over 4 hours so they can use it as little more than a private phone booth. Their marathon cell phone conversations are instigated, ironically, by the girls’ failure to realize that planning a summer trip with a good friend and then backing out at the last minute might cause some emotional damage on the other end. Finally, one of the long-suffering salespeople has to remind the girls that she’d like to close up and go home. But it is exactly this unfeigned inability to empathize with normal people that makes the girls’ grandiose pronouncements about saving babies in Africa so pathetically funny and strangely endearing. We love the rich bitches, and we forgive them their trespasses.

In the end, perhaps it is the tone of the show that allows us to forgive them. There is very little overt situational framing and editing to make a viewer feel like they are being force-fed a reaction (in fairness, we are sure that this has more to do with MTV’s proficiency in the genre as opposed to any lack of manipulation). The comedy is self-generating. We can all remember the difficulties we faced during this period of our lives, and watching extraordinarily privileged chicks fuck things up as badly as we did – or worse – is simply satisfying.

Damn. The truth is, watching that vapid troll Jaime NOT get fucked by everyone from her prom date to her high school crush to random guys in LA is just plain too delicious. So sue us.

*People keep pestering us about where Jaime got her money. We don’t know why you think we would know. Oh, wait, we do know. Her father, Leo Gleicher, founded Innovation Luggage, which owns brands such as Samsonite, Jansport, and Timberland. Then he sold it to pay for his ex-wife’s and daughter’s extravagant spending habits.

apropos of nothing | alex • post/haste

As any of you in Amtrak's northeastern corridor are aware, Sunday's weather was shitty. Since this half of two-twenty has been afflicted by a low-level cold for the better part of a month, I decided to huddle inside under a blanket with soup and HBO’s (or was it Skin-a-max's?) lovely video-on-demand feature. The feature I demanded was Brian De Palma’s 2002 “thriller” Femme Fatale. My capsule review? I cannot believe that so many people’s time, so much film stock, and such an obscene amount of money were wasted in an effort to justify Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’ involvement in one protracted soft-core lesbian scene and one also-rather-lengthy strip tease.

Not that there is anything wrong with those things. It's just that there's no reason to waste two hours of your life and a bit of your sanity when a quick web search will net you the same results:

See? Seriously, this was really bad. And the saddest part was that you could see how hard De Palma was trying. Oh well. We'll always have Scarface.

Don't believe me? I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

Femme Fatale review | Hollywood Bitchslap

white the new black, crazy the new sexy • post/haste

Ginia Bellafante writes in reference to "Something's Got to Give" that not since "Saturday Night Fever" can she "recall when the color white has played a more aggressive role in a movie's costuming". Well two-twenty remembers. Ah, yes. The year was 1987, the movie, "Fatal Attraction". Crazy Glenn? Dressed in black. Really crazy Glenn? Dressed in white. Oh, what about "Basic Instinct"? Sharon wears white white white. And she's crazy, too. So what have we learned here? Not only is white, as Bellafante pus it, "not the color of free spirits who wake up to days unplanned": it's the color of crazy.

Hypothesis: maybe the reason white didn't take off last year when it was deemed 2002's new black is because Amy Sohn had yet to inadvertently suggest that New York women had a better shot of getting laid if they were loons.

Manhattan Forecast: Shades of Snow | NY Times

hating on ashton: not a sin, possibly a vice • post/haste

We are not huge fans of Vice (the magazine, that is), although their never-failing ability to make mainstream media look stupid is admittedly amusing. Maybe we're just jealous of the amount of money they have made from exploiting the hipster phenom. Whatevs. This is not about Vice. This is about Ashton Kutcher.

Two-twenty avoided watching the VH1 "Big in '03" "awards" for obvious reasons. Then last night, with no Average Joe to placate us, we caved and watched the extravaganza's 3,008th showing. Ashton received some idiotic invention called the "Big Stylin'" award.

Now, Ashton was fine when he was just one little part of an ensemble cast on the entertainingly offbeat first season of That 70's Show. Ever since then he has grown more and more in need of a swift kick to the head. As Ashton made his acceptance speech for the cashmoneyhos or pimpdaddy or whatever award, he basically called himself the most original man in the world, in part because of his amazing accomplishment of single-handedly making the ugliest piece of American headgear a de rigeur fashion accessory.

Ashton, we want you to know that you are not original. THIS guy, from Vice's fashion "Dos" column, is original.

Dos and Donts | Viceland.com

tupac spotted riding killer whale into the sunset • post/haste

Two-twenty has already reported on the untimely demise of Keiko the killer whale, aka Willy. New developments indicate that the dear beast's interment was much more 'cloak and dagger' than one might expect for the average aquatic mammal. CBS reports that the burial took place "secretly" last night, "under cover of darkness", ostensibly to avoid a "media circus". Hm. Two-twenty begins to suspect that this whole "Saddam capture" hoopla is an international feint to draw attention away from the real story: Keiko's NOT DEAD AT ALL! Expect a "posthumous" Free Willy 4, 5 and 6. Didn't know there already was a 2 and a 3? The plot thickens, eh?

On the upside, whether dead or alive Keiko continues to inspire beauty in all of us. Witness these lines from the AP wire, via CBS: "Keiko... was buried Monday in a snow-bound pasture during the deep darkness of Nordic winter..."

Keiko Buried In Norway | CBS News

tad brock, man of leisure • post/haste

So maybe this is a little obsessive. And maybe it's old news to some, certainly to anyone in the "London Network". But two-twenty cannot get over the egregious self-promotion of this middle-aged Cassanova. Apparently, back in February, Mr. Chris "Sexually Healthy" London (Esq.) was the subject of an Amy Sohn profile in New York Magazine entitled "The Pickup Artist". In it, Sohn was kind enough to use a pseudonym for the saucy Social Artiste: Tad Brock (do you think that's his porn name?). This must not have sat well with the playah, as he promptly posted, or at least posited, himself as the Brockmeister on his own site.

We don't entirely blame him. After all, in the article he is quoted as using the phrase "gold-digging buck hos" in reference to the gentle ladies of the Upper East Side. Klassy. Definitely need to get your props for that.

The Pickup Artist | New York Mag

we want his publicist • post/haste

Two-twenty has a love-hate relationship with the Times' Sunday Styles section. We are drawn inexorably toward it, shredding less desirable sections in our haste to find out what is "hot" and "in", then we find ourselves lost in a fit of eye-rolling and wincing and judging, and then comes the guilt... Ah, but Sunday is nothing without its traditions.

Anyway, this Sunday offered an enticing mystery along with the news that pink is in (thanks!): just who is Chris London, the artfully stubbly 41-year-old "lawyer and executive recruiter", who got a huge picture of himself surrounded by chicks on the top of the fold of one of the most-read sections of the Sunday Times? A picture attached to a fluff piece about being oversexed, no less!

Two-twenty's curiosity was further aroused (heh) when we noticed that Mr. London even managed to get a rave review of his sexual prowess inserted into the piece! (The gist of the article, if you missed it, was that some guys in New York get so much puss-say and are so pressured by the ferociousness of women's come-ons to them that they must use Viagra et. al. despite being totally, 100% "sexually healthy".)

Well, we found him. Though we cannot be entirely, completely, lawyer-proof sure, and thus state so at the outset, it looks like Chris London is Chris London, Esq., author of the blog NYC Consigliere Corner. In his blog, Chris calls himself an "advisor & confidant to the best & brightest on the NY Social and Professional Scene [caps his] in matters of career, business & relationships". He also supposes that his job title, were he to label himself, might be "Social Artiste". Again, caps his.

Unfortunately, the last post to the blog was back on November 14th. In it Chris speaks of some moonlighting he's been doing behind the bar, and wonders why women "come back for more and flirt aggressively with [him]?" "Perhaps," he muses, "I am still charming and cute." From now on, however, Chris will always have to wonder if the women who pursue him are just after a big, hard, chemically-guaranteed cock.

In an Oversexed Age, More Guys Take a Pill | NY Times (SundayStyles)
NYC Consigliere Corner-- Chris London, Esq. (blogspot)

anything jagger can do, we can do better • post/haste

Still riding high from their 2003 MTV Lifetime Achievement award, and perhaps gunning for a knighthood, Simon LeBon and Duran Duran have decided to hit the road again on a new World Tour.

Drummer Roger Taylor had this to say: "The girls who followed us back in the 80's are women in their 30's now, but they are just as enthusiastic. The screams have just got deeper." Hm. Maybe it's all about the puss-say!

Arts Briefing | NY Times (last item)

what goes up must come down • post/haste

Here's Ash's latest from the Times, showing Iraqis celebrating the news of Saddam's capture by firing their big guns into the sky. We at two-twenty humbly suggest that a boistrous round of clapping, accompanied by a series of "whoo-hoo!"s might be a safer, less-likely-to-blow-up-cars panegyric gesture. Just something for our friends over there to consider.

ng news...breaking news...breaking ne • post/haste

Yeah, okay, so they caught Saddam and he will now be put on trial yadah yadah yadah (see, I told you we had a little Jew in us). Two-twenty presumes he will end up either in a special "Space Jail", or at Arkham Asylum where he and The Penguin can swap stories about the good old days when WMDs and/or chemical-spraying umbrellas earned a man a little respect.

It was a busy weekend, so forgive us if we move along. The Red Sox signed Keith Foulke, who will kindly throw the pitch that clinches the Sox the 2004 AL pennant. On the flip side, Gary Sheffield realized he was kidding no one but himself in thinking he was worth upwards of $13M per year, and signed with the Yankees. It snowed, again. But trumping all of this was the welcome, welcome news that Patsy and Edina will soon be making us all feel like well-adjusted adults again. That's right, The Hollywood Reporter... er... reports that new Ab Fabs will begin airing on Oxygen in January. Two-twenty hopes that Edina will go to one of those shrinks who use ecstacy as a therapeutic tool...

Drink up, sweeties -- AbFab's back Jan. 2 | Hollywood Reporter

double, double oil and trouble • post/haste

Ash's latest for the Times, in Edward Wong's piece about fuel shortages in Iraq:

The Reconstruction: Saboteurs, Looters and Old Equipment Work Against Efforts to Restart Iraqi Oil Fields | NY Times

arab world says assalamu-alaikum to reality tv • post/haste

Reality TV will (finally!!!) hit the Arab world when "Al Hawa Sawa" (Being Together) starts airing later this month. The show will allow viewers to witness the true story of eight women, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and to find out what happens when they stop being polite and start... competing to win an arranged marriage. Bahrain Big Brother is also in the works. We here at two-twenty predict that these new additions to the summer line-up will quickly oust whatever programs currently top the list of most-popular television shows (we tried and tried and tried to find out what those are but can not read Arabic and humbly apologize to the wise and all powerful Allah).

Big Brother meets Middle East | MediaGuardian.co.uk

willy freed from mortal coil • post/haste

Keiko, star of the "Free Willy" movies, has gone to the big ocean in the sky. The killer whale died Friday at the young age of 27 (approximately 52 by two-twenty's whale-years calculations) after spending his last year as an unofficial tourist attraction in Norway. The whale-actor's remains are currently beneath a tarp/shroud in Taknes Bay. David Phillips, executive director of the San Francisco-based Free Willy-Keiko Foundation, is hoping for a land burial so Keiko's skeleton can be recovered, and possibly exhibited in a museum. Two-twenty would maybe like to insert some joke here about Keiko being a cash-cow, but as he is male and recently deceased, that would just be bull.

Keiko, Killer Whale Star of "Free Willy" Movies, Dies | AP / NY Times

checking in on alex's friendster page | joanna • post/haste

Going over Alex's friendster profile as part of preliminary phase of project. His bio reads very well: clever, but not too clever. Definitely personable. Decent photos, yes, though could do better. Seventeen friends. Good. But missing people. Biggest issue is lack of testimonials. Must remedy immediately.

introducing project date-our-flatmate! | joanna • post/haste

Project date-our-flatmate unofficially began before Ash went to Baghdad, when he and I took it upon ourselves to post a match.com profile for our dear friend and roommate Alex. Though our devilishly humorous answers severly mitigated Alex’s chances of receiving any responses, it became strikingly clear that were Ash and I to fill the form out honestly rather than merely in an effort to amuse ourselves, success wasn’t just likely, it was inevitable.

But what exactly constitutes a successful outcome of project date-our-flatmate? Depends on who you ask. Ash, goal-oriented man that he is, has, um, goal-oriented masculine ideas about successful outcome(s). He is also a big fan of theSpark’s date my sister project. Though I share his enthusiasm for the website we are clearly ripping off, I will define success as Alex dating an array of women before his deeply-ingrained propensity for serial monogamy propels him into another long-term relationship.

Since Ash is still working in Bags, I will be at the helm of the project during its initial phases. Alex is fully aware of the endeavor, and is a willing, if cringing, participant.

Okay, fine, I got him drunk and he said yes.

Our methodology for this fetal stage will operate on two fronts: acoustic and electric. The acoustic efforts will probably manifest themselves in the form of pointing out hot chicks at parties, bars and other places; the electric will consist of sincerely filling out profiles on various personals websites. Alex already has a friendster page.

Want to date our flatmate? Drop us a line.

sugar-free mental accuity determinererer...er • post/haste

Finally, a real, no bullshit online IQ test! I knew I was MENSA (All caps? No caps? Obviously I'm not a member. Heh heh. I said "member") material! This is from a funny site that also features Rating The Lesbians, which we discovered through fleshbot, which we so only read for the articles.

Fleshbot, incidentally, is part of the Gawker media empire. Have you noticed that all the posts here today germinate from only one or two sites? That is because two-twenty is hungover.

The Classic IQ Test | Progressive Boink

when good sex happens to bad writers • post/haste

Salon is sponsoring a bad sex writing contest! That is, a competition for the most poorly conceived depiction of the act, as opposed to the best description of the worst execution of the act. Copying and pasting from craigslist not allowed.

The point is, they were inspired by a passage written by Fox New's Bill O'Reilly, which you can read in full over there. A highlight: "He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone." Delicious.

Wanted: Bad sex writing! | Salon

we know how to spell dreidel • post/haste

All this week Gawker has been shamelessly promoting Judaism as the next big thing. Since two-twenty is, like, a quarter or something Jewish, we want in! We missed out on the Australian hotness, and now our Ozzie component is in Iraq taking pictures of blown-up things and whatnot anyway, and none of us can remember the last time WASPs were in, so we're cashing in while we can. We put the "ukkah" in "Cristmukkah", baby! Give us our props!

Regarding "Rich Jews" | Gawker

northeastern episcopalian worms drink more, study finds • post/haste

Researchers have found some gene in worms that may be responsible for drunkeness and alcoholism. Gene reputed to be found in most WASPs as well. Two-twenty asks: why are we spending money on research to combat drunkeness, as opposed to hangovers?

Scientists find drunkenness gene in worms | Salon

metrosectional • post/haste

Today's Times Metro section - a veritable fount of hilarity. First of all, is it just us or is this headline inherently funny: "Small Armies, Without Rifles, From Japan"? Secondly, the two guys in the picture attached to the 'friends find friends where? you guessed it... online!' story are soooooo on a gay blind date.

See how they want to touch, but feel threatened because they are unaware of the recent repeal of anti-sodomy laws, so instead they nervously finger their glasses? Two-twenty sees a real future here - notice the intently locked gazes - and the good news is that gay marriage will probably be legal by the time they're ready to tie the knot.

More highlights from today's attempt by the Times to cover the latest "hip" "web" "trend": Manhattan publicist Lexie Aliotti's friends back home in San Diego don't really like her. When she travels 3000 miles to visit the people and places that formed her, she is happy to hang out with Friendsters recommended to her by her old pals rather than the pals themselves. Why? Because she "hates to interrupt [their] lives". Pals, when reached for comment, stated, "She never really smelled very good."

We will leave you with a quote from Johnathoan Erbe, a 35 year old Internet publisher, on the joys of Friendster: "The profiles are amazing - by not trying to promote yourself, just being who you are... It's so refreshing."

An Online Search for Fun, Without a Look for Love | NY Times

another excuse to drink champagne • post/haste

Design Within Reach is holding a contest for the best mini-chair made from champagne cork hardware. The winner receives a thousand dollar DWR gift certificate. Seeing as we need a new pullout sofa and have had our eyes on the Frank Sofa Sleeper, we've decided to have a little contest of our own. Send your chair ideas to us, and if we pick yours and win, you can crash on our new couch for a week. Or just send us your ideas so we can copy them. Yes. Do that.

Holiday Champagne Chair Contest | Design Within Reach

t.g.i. atkins | joanna • post/haste

The last time I went to T.G.I. Friday's was this September in Tokyo, where the only thing I consumed was a ¥2,350 "Ultimate Margarita" served in a glass roughly the size of my head. Before that, maybe a year ago, I stopped in to pee at the one on West 34th Street. What does this have to do with the fact that Friday's now offers low-carb menu options? Not much, except that low-carb or no low-carb, giant margaritas and emergency pit-stops are the only reasons to visit this chain... well, that and to pay exhorbitant prices for something breaded, deep-fried until golden brown, and dipped in sugary sauce.

T.G.I. Friday's® Atkins-approved menu

oh the effing irony • post/haste

Just one day after Newsweek publishes a story about Ash almost getting "whacked" in Samarra by two bad guys in a BMW, his photo of a Beemer appears in the New York Times coverage of Iraq.

Are you there Allah? It's us, Two-Twenty.

when beauty is as deep as your pocketbook • post/haste

Two new additions to awfulplasticsurgery.com - Xtina and Catherine "My Last Name is Cooler Than Douglas" Zeta-Jones. In addition, the site includes a brilliant quote from "a fan" of the self-styled drrrrrrty girl: "It looks like you could get herpes just [from] standing close to her." The site's sensible hostess declines to comment on the Zeta-Jones pics due to the star's "litigious" nature.

Awful Plastic Surgery

pitcher wants to be "closer to western white house" | alex • post/haste

No sooner had I finished reading Jack Curry's analysis of the Pettitte situation in the Times than the news turned up online - Pettitte signs with the Astros. Now I know that as a Sox fan I am prone to counting chickens etc., but c'mon, so far this offseason's been good to us.

We get Schilling, and we're in serious talks to pick up the best player in the game. And if we don't, oh shit, we're stuck with Nomar, probably tied with Jeter as the second best SS in the game. The Yanks? Your (formerly our) superstar starter retires, you lose the Schilling battle, you lose another starter to Houston of all places, and your "big acquisition" Gary Sheffield is holding you ransom for more cash. Sux to be you.

No word yet from two-twenty's Yankees fan... she appears to be pouting. Or else she's hungover. I'm not sure.

Pettitte Heading Home for Houston | mlb.com

will literally kill to avoid eating lentil loaf • post/haste

Hot topic of the moment? Hunting! Who knew?

Jersey Bears Are Dropping Like Flies | NY Post
Cheney Faces Heat For 'Canned Hunt' | msnbc.com
The Homeless and the Meatless | NY Times
Stacking the Hunt | NY Times (yesterday)
Trend Alert: Giant Coyote Hats | Gawker

Ok, that last one's from almost a month ago. But Gawker is usually ahead of the curve, that's why we love them (p.s. thanks, felony, for the tip).

three's company, more's an orgy • post/haste

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes a thousand words is worth a three-way. The Post today reports on high society swingers parties, or, in the words of one proprietress, "high-class adult playground[s]". We assume they are talking about high society as opposed to high society, although there is so little difference these days (warning: a couple of those links are only marginally work safe). These events promise "the cream of the crop" (no word on whether pun intended or not), so obviously the vetting process is thorough. Auditions require not only photos, but in some cases telephone interviews or written essays as well. At last, another outlet for the pornographic prose of all you craigslist casual encounters posters.

Sex on the Brain | NY Post

what does generic mean? • post/haste

Despite certain admen’s absurdly brazen attempt (thank you Gawker) to convince us that brands are in fact an indispensable part of our lives, the public, apparently, ain’t biting. Or buying, as the case may be. According to a story in the Times today, the number of people who claim that brand is “extremely important” in choosing a gift has dropped more than 15% as compared to a poll taken three years ago. Of course, there are exceptions: “Consumers can still be finicky when it comes to higher priced items, like the first Louis Vuitton suitcase on wheels ($1,300) or a certain Gucci handbag laden with horse bits ($900).”

Note to producers of Rich Girls: that’s a hint as to what to get Ally and Jamie for Christmukkah (thank you OC), in order to guarantee a season two! Oh, wait, I forgot, Ally and Jamie are the producers. Well, as if making a career out of producing a reality television show about your own fabulously angst-ridden lives isn’t present enough… go ahead, spoil yourselves! Self love is in, haven’t you heard the new Britney album?

Brand Names Paying the Price for a Change in Shopping Trends | NY Times

nyc creates smoking section in lower manhattan • post/haste

Did Mike "I hate ashtrays" Bloomberg miss something? Is developer Larry Silverstein a smoker, or more likely a large shareholder in Philip Morris? Is it just us, or does the rendering of the new WTC site 'Freedom Tower' markedly resemble a cigarette, or perhaps for the more whimsically-minded, two cigarettes dancing?

More Revisions in Plans for New York's Tallest Tower | NY Times

only 3 billion days 'till opening day | alex • post/haste

Two-twenty is not much on sports, but we do love our baseball. FYI, our personality is split 50-50 between the Red Sox and the Yankees, so don't be surprised if the subject elicits some vitriol.

Couldn't resist commenting on the Manny for A-Rod rumors. This sox fan would love to see the best player in baseball come to Fenway, but the thought of losing Nomar foments some troubling emotional reactions. I know that it's a business, and more and more it's purely a numbers game, but Nomar's been in Boston his entire Major League career. As far as Manny goes, I'll miss his batting average much more than his attitude or his hustle in the outfield (I think most of Red Sox Nation would agree).

Anyway, it's a confusing situation. As recently as this morning conventional wisdom seemed to be leaning towards a yes on the big trade, which would necessitate a Nomar trade, but now Sox owner John Henry and Nomar's agent are in some sort of pissing battle and no one knows what's going on. If you're interested, follow some of the see-saw action below. Or you can go fondle your AL Championship hat or foam finger or whatever you Yankee-loving prick.

A-Rod could be Boston's Babe | msnbc.com
Nomar Speaks His Mind | redsox.com
Henry Responds to Nomar's Agent | redsox.com

how to speak australian • post/haste

Though far less pleasant than learning what "bogun", "maccas", and "yabbo" mean over a few stubbies, this is the easiest way to learn what the hell your Ozzie boyfriend or flatmate is saying when he's half-cut.

Australians Abroad - Dictionary

pretty is as pretty does • post/haste

Two-twenty would like to be able to tell you who was chosen on the finale of NBC’s Average Joe, but we can’t. We were too busy vomiting from the motion sickness caused by the Brady-Bunch-on-methamphetamines editing of the next-to-last segment to see the end. Helpfully, most every news source across the USA is happy to inform us all today that, in a nationally televised case of “I really like you but I just want to be friends”, looker Jason triumphed over lumpy Adam. Seeing as millions of funny, personable, but less-than-perfect looking men (and possibly even some women) were forced to relive one of the more crushing moments of high school life, we can’t help but wonder if there was a slight spike in the suicide rate last night, or at least in the amount of alcohol consumed.

Speaking of millions, it also turns out that Adam has them. Millions of dollars, that is. So Melana’s choice (like Sophie’s Choice, only it is Melana’s, to paraphrase Charlie Kaufman’s brilliant script for the less than brilliant movie Human Nature) was not merely a choice between beauty and brains. It was more like a choice between a hot guy who lives in his parents’ basement and a not-so-hot guy who is a partner in an investment firm (well, ok, day-trading company), co-owns a Manhattan bar, and has been featured in Fortune magazine. Hm. I ‘m sure there’s a silver lining in there somewhere.

Oh, one last thing. For the last six weeks we’ve been trying to figure out who Melana reminded us of. Last night, we figured it out. Though she does not exactly look like her, she has all the same facial mannerisms as Tara Reid!

Average Joe II premieres January 5th. Until then, the original's official site may keep you sated:

NBC.com - Average Joe

ny social diarist ponders paris (again) • post/haste

David Patrick Columbia continues his tradition of obsequious reportage on NYC high society with yet another item on his pal Paris. Sure, he only knows her in the sense that he's "been in the same room with her (and dozens of others) at her parents’ houses" but "To [him] she has always been a polite, even diffident pretty blonde girl who is very close to her parents and has a well known ambition to be an actress which her parents supported 1000%... [He's] always been amazed that such a personality could create such a huge celebrity."

Columbia also states (parenthetically) that he has not seen the video. We are thinking about mailing him a copy.

Paris Sizzles: Today's Social Diary - 12/9/03 | NY Social Diary

ozzy recovering from spill and pills • post/haste

Our favorite TV family had another incident of bad luck when Ozzy took a big fall off an ATV at his estate in Buckinghamshire. This news comes on the heels of yesterday's LA Times story about how Ozzy was completely whacked on painkillers during the second season of The Osbournes. Ozzy says he's off the goof-balls now, confirming our suspicion that some people really do live better through chemistry.

Osbourne Resting After Emergency Surgery | NY Times

w4m - must meet my mensch • post/haste

Two-twenty is an equal-opportunity matchmaker. That is why we have paired yesterday's WASP-ortunity of a lifetime with today's hot tip: ladies, Adam Mesh's loss on Average Joe is your gain. Looking for a nice Jewish boy with an above-average net worth and a riverview apartment in midtown (who by his own admission is now thinking about settling down)? Get posting! You already have some stiff competition on craigslist though, including this one:

I HAVE TO FIND ADAM MESH! I can't believe she didn't pick you?

m4w - iso mayflower mademoiselle • post/haste

Despite our general disapproval of the renovations taking place at the Pierpont Morgan Library, two-twenty attended a cocktail party at the New York Yacht Club on Friday night in support of said institution’s young associates. We should note that our disapproval is based solely on the fact that jackhammers are going to be waking us up at 7 am for the next four years, rather than on anything having to do with the design. Anyway, “free” booze was consumed, canapés were eaten, and beautiful models of America’s Cup boats and pleasure yachts of yore were ogled. Also of note: an ascot and not one, not two, but three smoking jackets were spotted!

What, asks our solipsistic reader, does this have to do with moi? Well, what should turn up on craigslist’s missed connections on Sunday but a lonely (read: single!) WASP’s plea for love in this urban jungle – love wearing a blue blouse, and possibly named Jennifer – love that might have been his one snowy Friday eve at the NYYC. So ladies, whether ye be Jennifers or not, hop on this bandwagon. You could be spending xmas in CT, a midwinter week in the BVIs, and by the end of next summer ACK will be as familiar to you as LGA!

Met you at NY Yacht Club on Friday night (12/5) - m4w

when your last fin is worth more than the wallet holding it • post/haste

All that time MacGyver wasted building remote-controlled bombs out of chewing gum and bobby pins could have been spent building an empire - an Empire of Duct Tape Fashion Accessories! We'll leave it to you how attractive you find them, but they are certainly attractively priced, and as far as we can tell have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with metrosexuality, which is a plus.

DUCTI - Keep it together.

Oh, wait. Are you really, really cheap? Try making your own instead. Home schooling may be out, but home fashion is totally in. Haven't you noticed that everyone's been gutting their pet sheep and wearing them on their feet?

How to make a Duct Tape wallet

i like the way you file a motion • post/haste

Remember the lawsuit that civil rights icon Rosa Parks filed against Outkast a few years back? Well, the associated press reports that the US Supreme Court will allow the suit to proceed. Um, way to fight the power, Rosa!

ajc.com | News | Supreme Court allows Rosa Parks to sue rap group

words of war • post/haste

In yet another fine example of how Bush’s crew actually believes their own press, and expects us to, Andy Card on Sunday declared “moot” any concerns about the issue of prewar intelligence, WMDs, and the decision-making process leading up to Operation Iraq Paper Scissors. We feel better already.

Related news: CNN reported on Sunday that Afghan villagers are “pretty understanding”, though “not happy”, about the deaths of 9 local children in a US air raid. Related related news: Lt. Col. Bryan Hilferty, who gave CNN the above quotes, is told by superior officer to “keep his fucking trap shut” next time he sees a reporter.

Salon.com News | Card calls prewar intelligence questions "moot"
CNN.com - Afghans understand deaths - U.S. - Dec. 7, 2003

iMpose your music on the radio • post/haste

You're at a party and the music sucks. Or you're working in Baghdad and the music really sucks. Transmit your iPod's tunes through any radio with iTrip.

Griffin Technology's iTrip

australian for ugly • post/haste

There was something charming about Cammy and Drew sporting Uggs with their minis last summer, or at least vaguely interesting in an oh-those-nutty-kids-in-LA way. But now sheepskin boots are everywhere, and it is neither charming nor interesting. This shoe trend is as absurd as the J-Lo Timber-Manolo hybrid, but now the Aussies are laughing at us. It's supposed to be the other way around.

Shaggy Chic: The New York Times on the Web

midgets: funny, violence-inspiring • post/haste

From the truth is stranger than fiction file: Sierra Leonians, desperately in need of some comic relief after more than a decade of violence and strife as only West Africa can do violence and strife, were understandably upset when authorities tried to substitute a REAL midget comedy duo with a FAKE midget comedy duo. Violence ensued.

Salon.com News | Fans in Sierra Leone riot when dwarf comedians don't show

dykes in dixieland • post/haste

More from the state whose legislature tried to promote creationism by officially declaring Darwin a racist! Remember the kid who was reportedly punished last week for saying the word "gay" in school, in reference to his lesbian mom(s)? Then a school administrator said it was all lies, that the kid was "disruptive"? Well the ACLU has posted the form that his teacher made him fill out. It's pretty damning, especially of the Louisiana school system's ability to teach kids how to spell.

ACLU: Student Behavior Contract - Marcus McLaurin, Lafayette, LA

breaking news: earth continues to revolve • post/haste

Just to prove we are a reputable news outlet, we are going to run the same lead story as everyone else: it snowed in New York City yesterday! And last night! And some more today! In fact, if my eyes and NY1 do not decieve, it is snowing right now! Now that's news.

Storm Blankets Eastern States in Ice and Snow

next must-have drug dealer accesory: phd • post/haste

Apparently, ex makes you want to "speak and connect with other people". And this may make it a useful tool for shrinks. Huh. Does that mean rates are going to go from $100 to $120 an hour?

Interestingly, this is coming up because a killjoy "doctor", who is infamously anti-drug, recently admitted to basically faking the results of a "clinical study" that had "proven" that ecstacy "eats away at the the human brain" (that last one was a real quote). To be more specific, he gave his lab rats not mdma, but rather massive overdoses of speed! Surprisingly, this had a somewhat deleterious effect on the rodents' gray matter.

Ecstacy: Out of the Club, Onto the Couch (at msnbc.com)

like mother, like daughter • post/haste

OK, we know that, like, everyone probably totally knows about this, and that we may be displaying a dangerous level of cultural ignorance by admitting that this is news to us. But... Kathy Hilton, mother of Nikki Hilton and another young lady who shall remain nameless because one of us promised not to write about her for a whole week, was so totally a soft core porn starlet! Delicious sample title from her oeuvre: Terror at Orgy Castle!

Kathy Hilton's film credits (via Bob Cook at flak magazine)

the plane truth, take three • post/haste

The Washington Post -- invited guests to Bush's Thanksgiving in Bags -- relates the third version of what happened while the Pres was en route to his turkey dinner. In this account, there was apparently no British air traffic controller or pilot, just some "non-UK operator" Air Force One's captain thought had a british accent. Can't wait to read the Times' I-told-you-so retort.
Another Course Change in the Air Force One Story (washingtonpost.com)

hussein needs better management • post/haste

Britney's inspired more hate-sites than Saddam Hussein. Maybe if he makes a video with Osama Bin Laden he'll restore his rightful place at the top of Google's Most Hated.
dailyrecord - HATE ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

fox news drops the soap • post/haste

Ummm... I don't really know what to say about this. Maybe the perfect gift for your favorite CEO or mutual fund manager who looks to be spending the holidays in minimum security prison? Other fabulous gifts available at the foxnews shop include the O'Reilly Factor Cuddler Blanket, which is "big enough for a couple", provided that couple is white, heterosexual, and supports the war on terror.

The FOX News Shop: Soap on a Rope

milk, milk, lemonade... • post/haste

We've been trying to sort out our feelings regarding The Simple Life, but must admit to remaining a bit conflicted. What's the opposite of Schadenfreude, where watching other people's misfortune and embarrassment makes you feel kinda dirty and nauseous rather than "maliciously satisfied" (thank you, dictionary.com)? Anyway, watching P and N pour a man's livelihood (in the form of milk) all over the ground felt like a pretty damning metaphor for the privileged class' attitude towards everyone who makes the shit we consume, and thus our entertainment was tempered by a touch of shame.

Much worse than all that, however, was the tease wherein we see them get all tarted up and ready to hit the bar scene (which must be quite hot in Altus at 1 am, um, right??), but FOX makes us WAIT 'TIL NEXT WEEK to see them slut up the joint. DAMMIT!

A's side notes: P is frighteningly, skeletally thin. Wondering if bars in Altus stock Red Bull, or if they will have some flown in, or if P will change her bar drink of choice to iced coffee with extra sugar and a line of bathtub crank on the side. Find myself taking "malicious satisfaction" from the fact that normal production delays and series premiere pushbacks mean that the girls are shown wearing Von Dutch trucker hats, which are so terribly, ironically, and completely over. Pushing tinkerbell down the slide made me laugh (someone get that kid his own show!). I will not write about PH until next Wednesday, even if the threesome tape surfaces.

In case you need a fix: Reality TV World

the plane truth • post/haste

The New York Times gets back at the White House for not inviting them to Bush's Thanksgiving in Bags by printing a three graph "liar liar pants on fire" story on the fed's accounts of a British Airways pilot's encounter with Air Force One.
Air Force One: A New Account

britney barfs again • post/haste

Another item on little BS spewing her pop tarts all over a bar. Last time, according to a Gawker Stalker it was at gay uber dive The Cock. Ted Casablancas relates that this time, thankfully, she made it to the loo.
Gossip - The Awful Truth - 12/4/03 - Page 1 of 10

a very special education • post/haste

Funny if slightly guilt-inducing tales of a special ed teacher's very special students.
The Tard Blog, via Popbitch

all the fascism that's fit to print • post/haste

The NYT metro section may be both boring and barely relevant, but somehow whenever I see the word "sex" I start reading. An article about denying a film student's right to record live sex acts quotes one Richard Pierce, a spokesman for NYU's Tisch School of the Arts, as saying: "The history of art is replete with examples of artists producing great art under limitations." Uh, yeah, Dick. It's called dissident art and it flourishes in fabulous places like Stalinist Russia!

Keep the Sex R-Rated, N.Y.U. Tells Film Students

how do you say, le portable supercool • post/haste

Colette, the only shop in which I've ever seen jet-setting hipsters silently question their own cool-quotient while mentally comparing the store's stock to the stuff they have in their multiple pied a terres, will start hocking the new Nokia 7600 on December 8th.

What's it do? What doesn't it do. Put it this way, Paris could have used it to make the video AND answer Fred's phone call AND post the whole thing on the web. Break out your black AMEX; Colette will sell an all-white, limited edition of the super-phone for 850 euros.
Nokia - Nokia 7600 Phone

will work for degree... or not • post/haste

Hey kids, you no longer need to "work" (or "learn" for that matter) to "graduate" from "college"! In fact, the same level of web-savviness that allows you to locate your next loveslave, and a little cash (apparently useful in both cases), will now allow you to make your academic dreams a reality.

Write a Research Paper on Shakespeare and Make $300

lizzie g iso slave • post/haste

lgpr (lizzie's pr firm) is offering internships for university students adept at windows 95, general clerical work, and who possess the ability to say "miss groobman, miss tara reid on line one" without cracking up.

Lizzie Grubman Public Relations

rich girls in rags, and on the rag • post/haste

What a superb night of television. With barely 24 hours to recover from the shock and awe produced by Average Joe's Melana-as-Fat-Bastard "surprise" (p.s. Goodbye, vapid alien in a man suit! Goodbye, fuckface Zack!), I was not sure I could withstand the one-two punch of not only a new Rich Girls, but also the long-awaited Episode I: The Celebutante Menace.

I lived, and I learned. From Rich Girls I learned that eponymous starlets of reality television should not allow camera crews to follow them when they are obviously in some PMS-induced manic depressive spiral of Wurtzellian proportions. From The Simple Life I learned that Nicole Ritchie is not attractive, jeans CAN be too lowcut, and that I would need a doctorate in psychology as well as postmodern Marxist theory to understand, let alone explain, Paris Hilton's dissociative, coldy self-objectifying and capitalistic interactions with anyone of the opposite sex.

Get your Hilton out of my Bush! • post/haste

We'll always have Paris (and, wait a sec... I'm forgetting her name right now...), but let us not forget that there exist other fabulously sexy and gossip-worthy sets of single sisters. And better yet, some of them are twins! I didn't realize how starved I was for a debauched Jenna and Barbara panty-less toga party until, seeing their names, I pounced hungrily on this item on msnbc.com's The Scoop. Although it includes Pansy Division, it is lame. It did, however, remind me of the twins' heyday of underage drinking and pratfalls at frat parties, and filled me with hope of a brighter future when their sapphic trysts will be caught on digital video and leaked to the press. Until then, get your fill at The First Twins: Jenna Bush and Barbara Bush.

about two-twenty • post/haste

Two-twenty is the digital brain-child of two bestest friends, Alex and Joanna, who having exhausted every other kind of association eventually came to live and work together under the same roof in Manhattan, aka 220. The site chronicles their lives as they stop being polite, and start getting... oh, whatever. Adding spice to the chili is Ash, Joanna's boyfriend and real honest-to-god Australian, who will chime in with his unique perspective when not too busy taking photos in scary places like Baghdad for venerable publications like the New York Times. Alex is currently unattached, as attested to by Joanna and Ash's "Date Our Flatmate" project, as is Miss Atlas, two-twenty's Contributing Beagle and former Japanese Newsweek cover-bitch. Everyone at two-twenty, including Atlas, loves beer.

Both Joanna and Alex are freelance writers, and in addition to having the self-destructive urge to proffer their (or each other's) lives for public mockery, derive all too much pleasure from hunting and gathering interesting tidbits of information and presenting them to you through the skewed prism that is their hive mind. The result is sort of an olio of orts, if you will. And if you worship at the altar of Will Shortz half as zealously as Alex and Joanna, you probably will. Judging by the amount of time they devote to this site and to their beloved crossword puzzles, it is clear that Alex and Joanna are both severely under-employed. Please feel free to e-mail either of them as they would be happy to send you resumes, writing samples, or even a bottle of booze if you think that would help.

Lastly, you should know that most of the site's postings reflect the unity of the aforementioned hive mind that is two-twenty. Sometimes, however – most notably in items involving baseball - this is not the case (Joanna is a born and bred New Yorker – read: Yankees fan, and Alex is a Sox-loving Boston transplant). When issues of "authorship" arise, postings are followed by "| joanna" or "| alex" to eliminate any confusion or potential fist-fights.

Enjoy!

joanna@two-twenty.net
alex@two-twenty.net