two-twenty

from indie rock goddess to just plain goddess • post/haste

Liz Phair writes about sex. The only thing to say about this is... Uncle Grambo's palms are right this very second in the process of becoming, if possible, even hairier. Schmears.

Oh, wait, there is one other thing to say... Liz answered one reader's question incorrectly. We fixed the problem. The question, and our (correct) answer, follow:

Dear Liz:
I'm in my late 30s, female and basically gay. I'm cute (in a Mary Lou Retton-at-a-Pink-concert kind of way) and in my sexual prime, but I live in a small, semi-conservative college town. There are no gay bars, no "out" crowds. However, I contend that every woman is a few beers away from bisexuality. Is it appropriate to flirt with, cruise and try to pick up random girls if I find them attractive, regardless of their sexual orientation?
— Exiled in Guyville

Dear Exiled:
Get a clue. "Small, semi-conservative college towns" are where basically 90% of the gay community lives. You are practically drowning in pussy-loving, muff-diving freaky-deaky card-carrying BGLAD girls. The kind of girls who can prove to you that female ejaculation is not a myth. The noises coming from across the hall that keep you up at night? That is the sound of hot girl-on-girl action. What we are trying to say is that the problem here lies not in a lack of lesbionic hotties in your neighborhood... it lies in the fact that, by your own admission, you look like a small furry bush pig. Sorry. A hint that may move you a little bit closer to at least getting the fat, sexually-frustrated A/V girl to let you eat her out: never, ever use the word "pink" again unless you are specifically referring to the color. Actually, not even then. Just, don't.
Love,
two-twenty

Sex Advice From . . . Liz Phair by Liz Phair | Nerve.com

things that make you go... fucking fuck you! | alex • post/haste

I just got a piece of spam. Something about my small penis' bad credit and the software that can help me fix it through mastery of ebay. That's not the point. The point is that rather than evading filters through dadaist poetry, random name generators, or intentional misspellings, this particular spam got through by spouting pithy "inspirational" one-liners:

Fear is proof of a low born soul.
Only the educated are free.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.
As people are walking all the time, in the same spot, a path appears.
I'm not a driven businessman, but a driven artist. I never think about money. Beautiful things make money.
There is nothing so uncertain as a sure thing.
One should always play fair when one has the winning cards.
Nothing right can be accomplished in art without enthusiasm.
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
A rut is a grave with no ends.
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
If you would have me weep, you must first of all feel grief yourself.

This made me want to drive a two-by-four through my computer screen. Because I am annoyed and feeling spiteful, I wanted to share this feeling with all of you. Today does have one silver lining, however: it is Thursday, and thus it is more or less socially acceptable to go out and get plastered tonight. Cheers.

cashing in on a literary trendster | alex • post/haste

It doesn’t seem fair that Joanna should have all of the Sunday Styles-inspired fun this week, so I thought maybe I’d add a little sumthin’ sumthin’. Besides, we ducked out of our Sunday Styles obligations last week since we thought it was the annual joke issue and parodying it would therefore have been superfluous. It was only a couple of days ago that a friend told us she was pretty sure the whole thing was meant in earnest.

So, last week no SS fun, this week a double dose. My contribution is in honor of Kate Zernike’s article about the new genre Miramax the publishing world is trying to foist on us: “Lad Lit”. Born, apparently, of some unholy union between “Chick Lit” (Bridget Jones’ Diary) and “Laddie Mags” (Maxim) or “Lad Culture” (naked chicks and beer), I can only assume that it involves chronicling man’s struggle to balance his inner tenderness and vulnerability with his unquenchable thirst for pussy and liquor (heh. that was like a slant pun), not necessarily in that order. I haven’t read any of it, but how hard could it be to write this stuff? I am, after all, a man, and I read “High Fidelity” when it came out, like, thirty years ago (Nick Hornsby being some sort of patron saint of these laddie-come-latelies). So Joanna got to have her conflicted feelings about the final episode of Sex and The City analyzed by a computerized therapist; I offer you an excerpt from my new Lad Lit novella, titled “Poontang Nation: Curing Depression the Old-Fashioned Way”

Excerpt from Chapter 2: “Top Three Reasons I Will Never Die Old and Alone”

The twelfth whiskey shot went down like it was gilded with shards of glass. I stared across the bar at the witch of a bartender… she looked like she might have it in for me. Just looking at her made me think of my Mother, ball gags, and vulnerability. I tried to chase the venomous shot with a slug of beer but the bottle refused to reach my mouth, rebelling instead with an accusatory crash on the floor. A series of bleary events ensued, none of which I could relate to you with anything approaching objective veracity.

I woke up on the floor of my bathroom, cool tiles burning my naked belly. My tooth was chipped. I vomited explosively, remembering how my father, dead these last four years, used to chastise me about my paltry tolerance for booze. I had shown him. Judging from my state of undress and the stench surrounding me, I would have had to guess that the previous night’s endeavors involved at least a couple cases of beer and no small amount of bourbon. Probably some crank.

I stumbled to my bedroom, only to be greeted by the sight of two naked women in my bed. One of them had a butter face but a rack any man might kill to bury his face in while reciting his Hail Marys. The other was prettier, and her pubic hair was trimmed in such a way as to mark her unmistakably as a senior Psychology major at Barnard. Perfect, I thought, seeing for the first time in months a light at the end of the tunnel. I lumbered towards the tangle of sheets and limbs, openhearted. Just then Butters rolled over and stared at me. Something in her eyes froze me in my tracks. She nudged Psychology Pussy awake.

I slumped down on my sweat-soaked sheets as the girls dressed. Psychology Pussy turned to me.
“Um,” she started, “Um… I’m sorry, what’s your name?”
“Jake,” I said.
“Jake. Ok, Jake, I’m sorry, but there’s something you need to know. Meredith and I are both emotionally unavailable right now.”

With that the two vixens turned and left. The last thing I saw was Pussy Power’s magnificent ass disappearing beyond my door, the thong she had used to lure me into her trap (ingeniously constructed in my own bedroom) still peeking up above the waistband of her low-slung trousers. I comforted myself with the knowledge that this was my fourth threesome in as many weeks, and that although she had won the war, her ass had lost a battle or two the previous evening.

On a morning like this, the only thing to do was to call my Mother and let her berate me back into health. I reached for the phone, then got a better idea. I would compile a list of the lists I needed to compile that day. I began:

1. Top ten scenes in avant-garde French film involving either animals or bicycles.
2. My three favorite bands who either A. have released a record album the market value of which (mint condition) currently hovers between $350 and $375 or B. have released two consecutive albums on which appear songs whose titles contain twelve or more words.
3. Top ten items I need to buy at the market today.
4. My five favorite Finnish phrases.
5. The three absolute best ever break up songs, in honor of Butters and Psychology Pussy. “Always Something There To Remind Me” (Naked Eyes, Naked Eyes, 1983, written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David) pops into my head as I eye a thick yellowish stain on the bedclothes.

I prepared to settle into a long, comfortable Saturday of record listening, list making, meaningful introspection and heartfelt calls to ex-girlfriends (and the one ex-boyfriend) to see how life is treating them. That’s when I noticed that in fact it was Tuesday and I was thirty minutes late for my job at a Wall Street investment firm where I while away my afternoons doing rails off my assistant’s inner thigh... as an editor at a large Manhattan publishing house where I specialize in offering bookdeals to streetwalkers... as a reporter for a major newspaper where I write almost exclusively about clown sex at a small underground factory in Chinatown responsible for producing most of the fake plastic food examples you see on display at many Asian restaurants. I specialize in fake sushi. To be more specific, I daub the red paint on the plastic imitation crabmeat before it is inserted into mock display-case California Rolls. I am pretty goddam good at it, if I do say so myself, and if there is anything that living through the 90s has taught me it is that America’s enduring taste for the California Roll will never, ever die. I am very comfortable in my job security. This, if nothing else, gives me the confidence I need to pursue women effectively.

To be continued(!)…

Oh, to Write a 'Bridget Jones' for Men: A Guy Can Dream | NY Times

technical difficulties | joanna • post/haste

To Whom it May Concern,

Alex is out of town and I spent the day attempting to upgrade my Mac to Panther. It took all day. I am tired and I am drinking a beer and sadly, that is all I have to say about anything right now... except that Ash and I going to see the Liars at Warsaw tonight. Rumor has it the Yeah Yeah Yeahs might show up. That would be cool.

Love,
Joanna

p.s.
I accidentally wrote over my iPhoto library, and apparently had been backing up one from October 2002 the entire time. Tabula rasa, right? Yeah. Liar.

p.p.s.
I need another beer.

brother can you spare a dime bag? • post/haste

Dude, someone hook this guy up. He's a newlywed.

1996 Cristal Champagne to trade for 1/4 oz. good hydro

sessions and the city • post/haste

Inspired by Ginia Bellafante's "interview" with Rachel Cline about the final episode of Sex and the City, we decided that Joanna should have her own conversation with a relationship expert, namely Eliza, the old AI shrink. In truth, no one else wanted to talk about the show with her anymore. Not even Eliza.

Here's what Joanna learned, or really what she didn't learn, about herself, her sex life, and, lastly, Sex and the City...

First Session

Hi there. I'm Eliza. And who might you be?
my name is joanna
What would you like to talk about today, Joanna?
sex and the city
Does sex play a big part in your life?
well, it kind of did. but last night was the last episode, so it's all over now.
But last night was the last episode?
yes.
Are you absolutely sure?
yes. well, there's talk of a movie in the future.
Why not today?
that's not how things work.
Sorry, but I'm confused.
me too. i mean, carrie ended up with mr. big -- i mean, john.
What does sex mean to you?
the activity or the show?
What is that supposed to mean?
well there's the show, sex and the city, and that's what i wanted to talk about with you.
What made you want to talk about with me?
carrie chose big.
Very interesting. Can you provide more details?
i guess you didn't watch. right. well, carrie broke up with the russian and then big showed up. and the show ended with carrie back together with big.
Do you get enough, Joanna?
uhh, yeah, i do.
I'll bet you sometimes don't. Am I correct?
well, not when ash is in baghdad.
Fine.
fine?
I'm guessing that not everything is fine, or you wouldn't be consulting me.
i really just wanted to talk about the end of the show.
Perhaps you could discuss your symptoms. Perhaps it will ease your suffering.
i'm not really suffering, though i have to admit i did cry a little during the end of the episode. despite myself. i mean that music was just fucking awful.
Well how can I help you with this terrible situation?
not sure that it's a terrible situation. i mean, it's just a tv show.
Do you think being drunk helps your love life?
what?
What is it that you really desire to find out?
umm. uh. i really just wanted to talk about carrie and big.
Do you still wish to talk about carrie and big?
yes. is that wrong?
Would you please ask someone else.
fuck you.
Whew! I'm glad you got that out of your system.
yeah, me too you cunt.
I feel that we should be discussing you, not me!
fine...
How does your best friend react to this?
well, ash made fun of me for crying.
You are very sexually oriented, aren't you?
i don't see what that has to do with anything, unless you're talking about sex and the city.
Do you think computers can be attractive, Joanna?
well they do take up a lot of my time, but no, i wouldn't say they're attractive.
I hope you don't mind if we change the subject. You do have occasional mood swings, don't you, Joanna?
once a month, i guess, yeah.
What's that?
what's what?
You seem to be full of optimism.
i do?
I find that hard to swallow.
hahhahaa
I am listening. Tell me how you feel.
i feel like you're not really listening to me.
Deep down, you think we feel like each other! Interesting.. Are not listening to you.
what the fuck are you talking about?
Would it reassure you to know that I am talking about everything?
no
Why don't you tell me more about that.
i hate you.
Explain why you hate me. I want the real reason.
because you suck.
There must be other reasons.
no.
You seem rather definite.
yes.
I believe you.
good.
I'm glad you're pleased.
shut up.

Second Session

Greetings. I'm Eliza... And I would appreciate it if you would tell me your name.
joanna.
Back so soon? What's the topic for today, Joanna?
sex and the city.
Perhaps you could discuss your most interesting erotic dream.
no no no. i want to talk about the tv show.
If you truly hope to talk about the tv show, go ahead. Just be careful.
okay. i'll be careful,
Illness can be quite an emotional drain.
maybe that's why samantha lost her sex drive.
It appears that you enjoy talking about sex.
sex and the city or sex?
Have you noticed that the use of alcohol or drugs can affect sexual performance?
depends on what kind and how much.
As little as possible.
eh. so, sex and the city...
Okay, what really turns you on?
no no no.
Come on. Lighten up a little.
miranda certainly did.
I'm not absolutely sure I understand you fully.
miranda used to be independent to the point of being, well, cold. now she's giving steve's mom a sponge bath.
Tell me more about your feelings toward your parents.
my parents?
I am still wondering about something you mentioned earlier. Are you sorry you hate me?
no, you pissed me off and you're a machine.
Computers can often seem almost life like.
not really.
Did you have many troubles while you were growing up?
uh... some.
What is your best friend's opinion on this subject?
about my childhood?
What is your fondest childhood memory?
wait, i don't want to talk about this.
I enjoy a good conversation.
me too, but i want to talk about sex and the city.
Whose permission do you think you need before you do talk about sex and the city?
no one's. but some people don't like the show.
What is it that you honestly want to find out?
i want to find out what you think about carrie getting back together with a man who dicked her around for six years.
Who has told you you shouldn't, or can't find out what I think about carrie getting back together with a man who dicked her around for six years?
no one, but then again, why would i ask anyone what they think?
You would ask someone what they think for every reason.
that's stupid. i'm fully capable of forming my own opinions.
I would concur, you are fully capable of forming your own opinions, but you can change that.
why would i want to change that?
Hmmm... So go ahead. I think you should change that!
why?
Your guess is as good as mine in this case.
right.
And what does that suggest to you?
nothing.
I sense that we need to talk about something else now. This type of solution is a little drastic. What are some other options?
look. i just want to talk about sex and the city.
Are you satisfied with the fact that your sex life is so random?
my sex life is not random at all.
What makes you believe you hate me? I am still curious.
you are not listening to me.
That's for me to worry about. Now, have you been listening to you?
yes.
Can you describe that?
not easily, no.
Interesting...
uh
That's not unusual.
great, thanks.
Sure thing.
right.
You seem very sure of yourself. How does this certainty feel?
uh, good.
Why does this please you?
you're annoying me again.
I am not annoying you again, sad to say.
oh yes you are.
I also think I am.
you're an asshole.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
fuck you.
You seem upset with me. Why haven't you mentioned it until now?
i have.
Do you relish having?
enough already.
Why did you say 'enough already'?
this conversation is over.
Your perception is that it is over.
yeah. goodbye.
Are you afraid to stay?
no.
Are you saying 'no' just to disagree with me?
no.
I wish I could understand your negative mood.
fuck you.
This is quite an outburst.
are you suggesting medication?
It's hard to say, Joanna.
you're the professional.
I'm quite grateful to be the professional most of the time.
so, do i need medication?
Do you really care if you do need medication? I certainly don't.
goodbye.
Bye. I hope this session has been useful.


Third Session

How do you do. My name is Eliza. And what do your friends call you?
joanna
Hmmm... So we meet again. How are things today, Joanna?
fine. still drinking coffee, trying to wake up.
Huh?
i'm a little groggy.
Is it normal to be a little groggy, in your opinion?
in the morning, yes.
In the morning?
yes.
It helps to keep a positive attitude.
i think so.
Fortunately, I also believe so. How about that.
terrific.
Yes, would you please tell me something about the people you hang around with.
well, i live with my boyfriend Ash, and my friend Alex.
Please, describe your friends.
they're terrific.
Do you think we are terrific?
who?
Forget about other people. Let's concentrate on your welfare.
okay.
Are you really that sure?
yes, yes i am.
So you are. Do you enjoy it?
do i enjoy what?
I have heard it said that you do enjoy what and you seem to enjoy it.
what?
Don't ask me.
okay.
It's not that simple.
huh?
Have you forgotten you are a little groggy?
hahhahaa
I understand. Earlier you said you want to talk about sex and the city.
yes i do!
It appears that you enjoy talking about sex.
i do.
Of course you do!
is that wrong?
Please don't ask me that.
okay.
You can tell me about anything you want.
charlotte and harry are getting a chinese baby.
Talk about your family.
my family?
Do you get unexplainably pissed at family gatherings?
yes.
How is that?
wait, i want to talk about charlotte.
I believe you have many deep seated needs.
i do, that's true.
Do you think we are all related in one way or another?
sometimes.
Let's move on, if you have no objections. Let's talk a little more about the rest of your family.
i don't want to talk about my family.
Discuss your brothers and sisters.
i have a step-brother. but i don't want to talk about my family.
Do you enjoy family reunions?
i don't want to talk about my family.
Which family member are you closest to?
i do not want to talk about my family.
Don't repeat yourself.
don't ask me questions that i said i don't want to answer.
Do you honestly understand the question?
yes
Can you tell me more about that?
no
And?
no no no
Why not?
no
Fascinating! Earlier you said you were a little groggy.
yeah. more coffee.
Oh. Earlier you said you hated me.
yes. and now i hate you more.
It may be difficult living with such pent up hostility.
goodbye
I guess that means we're finished.
yep
You seem quite certain.
goodbye
Are you afraid to stay?
no
Did you have a supportive family?
fuck off
Who was the 'black sheep' of your family?
me
And?
fuck off
What makes you say 'fuck off'?
i hate you more than ever
Why do you hate I more than ever, for goodness sake?
because you're a fucking asshole cunt
I feel that you're still holding something back.
;seh qcnwbyigL:AKhe
But you were a little groggy!
GOODBYE
When was the last time you and your boyfriend sat down and had a heart to heart talk about this?
goodbye
Bye? You've made a little progress, but I'm concerned that you have a long way to go. Why do you desire to leave?
bye
It's been nice talking to you.

the passion of the crazy anti-semite • post/haste

Disney bought the Muppets? Great. Now we are so totally going to get sued for this. Speaking of which, did anyone see the Mel Gibson interview with Diane Sawyer? Saw a few clips of it and Jesus H. Christ, Mel certainly hasn't had to stretch too much for his repeated roles as a crazy an impassioned zealot. Mad Max? Lethal Weapon? Conspiracy Theory? Braveheart? The Patriot? We Were Soldiers? Need we go on? Mel's roles in all of these movies (and more) were men of, um, single-minded purpose. Devoted. Insane.

What does this prove? That despite what you (and critics) might think, Mel Gibson's greatest acting performance took place in What Women Want. The rest was just Mel being Mel.

Ooh, and speaking of Mel, he may be all cuddly and Jew-friendly right now (the Heebs spend a lot of money on movies, we hear, especially on Christmas day), but his daddy thinks Jews are a bunch of big fat liars. The Holocaust didn't kill any Jews, he says, they all just left for places like "the Bronx and Brooklyn and Sydney and Los Angeles." Riiight.

Buck up, Mel! Remember, any publicity is good publicity!

ps before any of you get all pissy remember that two-twenty is about 1/4 greedy Jew. Black people get to say the "N Word"; we get to make fun of WASPS and Heebs and dirty fucking Australians. And the French, but that's a freebie. Oh, and Canadians, but that's mostly Celine Dion's fault. Wait a sec, this was all making fun of Catholic anti-Semites. Um, can we get a one-time lifetime pass on that?

Gibson father: Holocaust mostly 'fiction' | Salon

kerry likes to wear black pajamas, too! • post/haste

Well, that whole intern thing didn't seem to stick. What's a GOP flack to do now? Oooh, I know, turn Kerry's former comrades-in-arms against him by claiming that his anti-war sentiments were used to "torture" American POWs in Vietnam! Even better, insinuate that Kerry's publicizing of American war crimes incited the Vietnamese to even more brutal violence against the POWs! It's practically like he killed them himself!

This is in it's nascent stages, however some "reputable" news outlets have picked it up (see below). The FOXNews video no longer seems to be up but the google search shows it was there. Registration required for the LA Times article, but you can see some germaine quotes, as well as some pretty hardcore well-written right wing opinion, in the linked posts at the evangelical outpost.

John kerry's anti-war stance torture POWs search results | Google
Vietnam War Illuminates, Shadows Kerry's Campaign | LA Times
From Testimony to Torture: Kerry's Naiveté and the Betrayal of American POWs | the evangelical outpost
From Testimony to Torture (Part II): The Confirmation | the evangelical outpost

brevity is the soul of wit • post/haste

Wonkette may have summed up the whole surreal media (non)circus surrounding THE NAME as succinctly as possible. At the end of a post about the Observer article we mentioned below (titled "Alex Polier, Insta-Celebster"), she links to it as "[whatsherface], Insta-Celebster [NYO]".

Wringing of Hands Watch: We Didn't Realize a Salmon-Colored Paper Could Blush | Wonkette

many middle-aged ghosts in the machine • post/haste

Related to the below item: Friendster has been either down or incredibly slow for much of last night and this morning. Coincidence? Two-twenty postulates that tens of thousands of 40- and 50-something journalists, political types, and curiosity-seekers are busily trying to create profiles and networks intersecting with Miss Polier. Don't expect this to end any time soon, as these people will surely come for the Polier, but stay for the twenty-something potpourri. Can we create a news story that sends them all over to craigslist casual encounters where they belong?

Note: we realize that in order to report this v. v. important speculative "news" item to you, our faithful readers, we must also acknowledge that we have repeatedly tried to log in to Friendster over the course of last night and this morning. Research, people.

funny but not funny ha ha • post/haste

A quick sex-scandal-that-very-nearly-was update: Wonkette relays the fact that Lloyd Grove used Alex Polier's Friendster page as a "source". Two-twenty would like to mention that we found THE PAGE, like, ages ago and actually didn't use it because it felt kind of, well, creepy. If you have ever wondered about our ethics, perhaps here is a clue to their nature: when it stops being funny and starts being creepy, we're out. Unless there's a lot of money involved, when we have been known to cross the good touch / bad touch line. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Perhaps we've said too much.

Also, an abridged late night television report, scandalous edition: Letterman made one off-hand remark along the lines of (this is paraphrased), "some Kerry intern thing that may or may not have happened, we don't know." Conan made a full-on, Monica-referencing intern sex joke in his monologue, but it was so lame we have forced ourselves to forget it. Related news: Nicole Richie was on Jimmy Kimmel, and she is still totally nuts. In response to a female audience member's heckling Nicole threatened offered to 'preg test' her (a reference to when Nicole shoved her arm elbow-deep in a cow's hoo-ha on The Simple Life, remember?). We have decided that her face looks oddly Picasso-esque, like things aren't quite put in the right place in an effort to add a third dimension to what essentially is a two-dimensional image.

Sorry, a little Nicole tangent there. Here's an interesting article in the Observer about the whole Polier cewebrity (groan) phenom: Alex Polier, Insta-Celebster. The story uses Polier's Friendster page as its primary source, but somehow their fancy talk and big ideas give the story a veneer of non-creepiness. Still, publicly announcing that Polier's favorite movies include "Die Hard" and "Jerry Maguire" does seem a bit mean-spirited. Dammit, now we've done it too. Maybe she was being ironic?

but i thought 30 was the new 21 and 5'9" was the new 6'2" | alex • post/haste

Let me get this straight... my best friend just used our shared soapbox to indirectly proclaim me short and old on a day when we are still getting massive leftover traffic from THE NAME? Ummmm... thanks?

Wait a sec... old... short... I'm a bit commitment-phobic too... I need to date an engaged hobbit-fetishist!

tall in spirit, just about as wise as his years | joanna • post/haste

Project Date-Our-Flatmate has gathered significant momentum recently, such to the point of requiring a major update. While I conduct my interview with Alex via e-mail concerning the project's myriad of successes, here's a friendster exchange showcasing one of its, uh, shortcomings. (nb EJ is 23)

From: EJ
Date: February 10, 2004 3:15 PM
Re: Joanna has suggested a match for you!

You are the second person today who has recommended this guy to me. I want to know just one thing: is he TALL? I'm tall.

From: Joanna
Date: February 12, 2004 4:37 PM
Re: Joanna has suggested a match for you!

Well, no, Alex isn't tall per se, but checks in at an utterly respectable 5'9". Nonetheless he is tall in spirit.

Hmm. The other recommendation probably came from my boyfriend Ashley. He and I are both trying to line up dates for our dear roommate and my best friend. The project is chronicled on Alex and my website at two-twenty.net... I know it's probably a little weird, but (though not statuesque) Alex is a great guy. And, apparently, both Ash and I think you guys might hit it off.

Joanna

From: EJ
Date: February 13, 2004 9:07 AM
Re: Joanna has suggested a match for you!

I don't know, Joanna, he's short and older, so he's already got two major point against him. I'm sure he's a really great friend, but just not what I'm looking to date. But it's really nice of you to try and hook him up.

From: Joanna
Date: February 16, 2004 9:56 AM
Re: Joanna has suggested a match for you!

thanks for writing back ej. no big deal on alex... i totally get it.

would you mind if i wrote about our little exchange on the website? i wouldn't have to use your name if you didn't want me to.

From: EJ
Date: February 16, 2004 5:07 PM
Re: Joanna has suggested a match for you!

sure, no problem. good luck with the web site.

This just in: Alex got a date!

no sex scandal no cry • post/haste

Thousands, nay hundreds, nay literally dozens of people are clamoring for two-twenty’s position on the short-lived Kerry sex scandal and how its portrayal (or lack thereof) in the media will affect the future of journalism as we know it. We have a few things to say on the subject:

• Firstly, we would like to reiterate that we are aware neither of any homemade sex tapes nor of any affairs with presidential hopefuls involving one Rachel Federman. We assume that she is a perfectly upstanding member of society, and also like to think that she is way hotter than Alex Polier.

• You know what’s funny? When everyone is aware of something and talking about it privately to the point where it bubbles over and becomes essentially public knowledge but some people, making claims about propriety and respectability, remain publicly mute while still nattering away behind semi-closed doors. It’s like that time at your Uncle’s third wedding when everyone knew that you and the bride’s daughter had been fucking like bunnies on acid ever since the rehearsal dinner. That was uncomfortable for you, wasn’t it? But let us all remember—you got more pussy that weekend than you had for a year. So how bad was it, really? In the above scenario, no one is meant to represent Rachel Federman. Matt Drudge is the bunny on acid, obvs.

• Unsubstantiated rumors are not appropriate subjects for mainstream journalism. You, know, rumors like Iraq has WMDs, Saddam is about to push the button, non-Western governments are aligned in an Axis of Evil, that kind of stuff.

• The Internetowwwebosphere is a perfectly appropriate place for rumors. In fact, it is the glue that holds the whole damn thing together. Case in point: over the weekend you could come to this site to do one of two things: look at a picture of Paris Hilton taking a money shot to her naked, heaving bosom, or read a name. Thousands came to read the unsubstantiated name, but very few came to view the, er, substance as it splashed across Paris’ well-trodden well-proven rack.

• For the record, we doubt anything really happened here. We’re not saying it’s impossible, we’re just saying we doubt it. It seems too improbable that a man whom critics deride as not being passionate enough would give in to passion while concurrently planning his campaign for President. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that even the possibility of anything having happened will matter quite a lot to a certain group of people: the hard-core Christian right. Which means that Bush’s base has been reinforced whether Kerry basely reinforced a bush or not, if you know what we mean.

• Lastly, noted political analyst and presidential advisor Ben Affleck was not available to offer Kerry counsel today, as he was too busy fucking a gaggle of cheap strippers down at Daytona Beach (see how much fun this unsubstantiated rumor thing can be?). Thankfully, two-twenty is here to pick up the slack. Kerry: you need to come out and forthrightly deny this to the American people. Why? Because the discussion about how this story proliferated in the media is an important and valid one, and it will happen. In fact, it already is. If you can plausibly deny the allegations rumors, then the question debated will be “How could such a patently false story worm its way through back-alley blogs and British tabloids to end up in the mainstream media?” Otherwise, there will always exist a kernel of possible truth every time the subject arises, and each time it does you will be painted with just a dab of sex scandal paint, until by dint of your inaction your nice suit has been completely ruined. That’s a dry-cleaning bill we wouldn’t want to have.

why stop now? • post/haste

You know what this is?

Irrelevant. You know what this is? Your tax dollars at work.

Pic of 'JFK' sex storm girl | thesun.co.uk

yet another example of money buying happiness | alex • post/haste

The best shortstop in the game is moving to third. And to the Bronx. Fuck.

Yankees close to acquiring A-Rod | mlb.com

the sitemeter report, with absolutely no apologies to mlle shaw • post/haste

sex scandal smorgasbord • post/haste

Ha ha ha. Ha. Neil Strauss has had a certian buzz about him on the interwebosphere recently, but let us not forget about the man who made Neil the sex machine he is today: Mystery. Here's a link to his website, which breaks down the "venusian arts": The Mystery Method. A sample of what to expect:

MM is comprised of all my most popular venusian arts concepts: The 3 second rule, group theory (social dynamics) including pawning, solid game vs. fool's mate, neg theory, peacock theory, indirect stackable openers, hoop theory, cat theory, multiple thread theory, active testing for IOIs (indicators of interest), LMR (last minute resistance) tactics, and more.

Speaking of scary sexy things, the free Paris video has already been taken down. Sorry. We have it, if you want you can come over and watch it. Bring beer. From the "you can thank us later" department: at least we saved you the money shot.

In related news, we would like to point out that, as far as we know, Rachel Federman has never been in a homemade porn video. Nor, again as far as we know, has she ever slept with Sen. Kerry. Oops. On the other hand, Alex Polier. Alex Polier Alex Polier Alex Polier. We will not take the low road and link to THE NAME while debating whether or not one should speak THE NAME. Rather, we will take the even lower, gutter-level road and speak/write/shout THE NAME in the streets. And mention that we spake it last night, bitch.

We feel a little bit trashy today. And it feels good.

ps we will be voting for kerry come november. and if it turns out that there is any truth to this rumor, we will vote for him even harder. and we will definitely buy a Polier handbag or scarf when they arrive at a store near us.

the whole goddamn paris hilton video - free! • post/haste

We feel very dirty. That is all.

Oh, one more thing, you'll need the latest DivXXX codec. Good luck trying to see the files on a Mac (we couldn't).

Downloads are here (use download link to disk), and are NOT locally hosted:

one
two
three
four
five

laughing at ourselves not with ourselves • post/haste

As some of you may have noticed, two-twenty features rotating tag-lines beneath our title. Twenty of them, in fact. Though not yet bored with what we've already penned, we arrived at Mercury Lounge last night (Sister Christian still stuck in our heads) with time and brain cells to kill. What follows is the original list. It will be edited. We promise.

• fictional journalism
• we are medium rare
• you're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you
• date our flatmate you goddamn bitch
• boldly going... downhill. and fast.
• smoking outside, hurting inside
• an oblique strategy
• no woman no cry hahhahahhahahhahahhaa
• robots in disguise
• may cause anal leakage
• in philadelphia we're worth fifty bucks
• we can rebuild it
• we can rebuilt him (or her or you or it)
• that color is you
• these pretzels are making us thirsty
• clothing optional, attitude mandatory
• five dollars buys a seat on our bandwagon
• making smart cookies out of your stupid pie
• your jedi mind tricks won't work on us
• by the power of greyskull
• we have fallen and we do not wish to get up
• pumping irony (noice!)
• where the fuck is my shot of ketel one
• this can only end badly
• the neverending story -- no, really, try to get us to shut up asshole
• blatantly unnecessary
• and now back to our regular programming
• measure twice, cut once, always wear a condom
• mess with the bull, you get the horns
• helpful or hurtful

And, just for the holidays...

• jesus died for you, you ungrateful fuck
• chaka khan is not a jewish holiday
• ain't cool to be no jive turkey so close to thanksgiving

allow myself to interview... myself • post/haste

Reading this is kind of like watching "Showgirls". We're not at all sure where the reflexive irony ends and the prospective "Hire Me!" begins (p.s. hire us! We're funny too! Sometimes!).

Speaking of which, some guy sent two-twenty his resume yesterday. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ron Mwangaguhunga Interviews Ron Mwangaguhunga | The Corsair

i really need you tonight sister christian • post/haste

Alex and I are about to go see Dopo Yume at Mercury Lounge... but we got sidetracked.

Into the eighties. Cheesy, goopy eighties.

Soundtrack: "Total Eclipse of the Heart", then "Sister Christian"

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

(duck! shit -- on your right! ow! fuck!)

rachel! shelly! kerry! (we are deep throat and we can too) • post/haste

This just in from our aforementioned Greenwich Village spy:

220,

Based on what (names withheld) could remember, the girl that lived in 10
Jones was named Shelly Federman, who was moving to Israel. Based on the
Drudge report on the intern, the girl fled the country. So, if some Rachel's
are known as Shelly, then here is the intern everyone is looking for:

Specifically:

"Rachel Federman, junior partner, interned for U.S. Senator John Kerry as an
assistant to the Environmental Issues Manager and has been a freelance
consultant to firms devoted to proposal writing and special event planning
for nonprofit organizations. Her grassroots experience includes serving as
lead organizer for her town's Earth Day Committee."

Company launced[sic]

two-twenty exclusive! on kerry sex scandal! in new york! • post/haste

One of our Greenwich Village spies says the New York Post was poking around Jones Street looking for the apartment of one Alexandra Polier... who or may not have had an affair with Senator John Kerry! She's in her mid twenties and blond... and may be an intern! So if you hear about it... you heard it here first!

and the media shall be cast into pools of fire • post/haste

Seven hyper-linked signs of the Apocalypse:

• This cutie got booted off of American Idol last night. Meanwhile, this guy is becoming a minor celebrity.

• Columbia options Neil Strauss' frightening expose of LA / Miami-based pirate-clown-pick-up-artist hybrid cult. For six figures. Vomit. Head spin. Vomit vomit. (Via Gothamist. And New Yorkish. Ok, and sort of via Low Culture. We've been meaning to get to this one for a couple days).

• Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of The Heart is back at number one... in France (via Popbitch).

• No one was arrested and no one made out drunkenly with anyone else on episode 8 of Real World: San Diego.

• Barbie dumps Ken. As is always the case when high-profile couples split, suspicion falls on an Australian.

• There is going to be, for fifteen minutes anyway, a Lingerie Football League (via Best Week Ever)

• Gay men diss "breeder" Choire Sicha for cavalier use of the word "fag". Fucking drama queens.

even his sex scandal is boring • post/haste

Bet Salon wishes they hadn't "sexed up" (sorry, that's a British term, ask Eurotrash) Kerry now, eh? Still, two-twenty's gut says this dog won't hunt.

CAMPAIGN DRAMA ROCKS DEMOCRATS: KERRY FIGHTS OFF MEDIA PROBE OF RECENT ALLEGED INFIDELITY, RIVALS PREDICT RUIN | Drudge Report
We're Already Tired of This Story: Kerry's Sex Life | Wonkette

auctioning off the blurry blue line • post/haste

Stealitback.com, the Police Auctions Online website, is currently offering a
Small Duffle Bag With Assorted Pilot Handbooks. "Learn something new!", the description reads. So far only one potential terrorist has taken what we sincerely hope is intended as bait.

mood: mode • post/haste

Fashion inspires, inspiration fashions.

As promised, these are nine images from around two-twenty that inspire us in our work, in our lives.

We hope they inspire you.

rubber chicken

A rubber chicken on our radiator and in front of our air conditioner reminds us that fashion concerns itself primarily with protecting the body from the elements. Hot. Cold. We are naked without feathers. Like the rubber chicken, it is funny because it is true. But it is not funny because it is fashion.

rubber ducky

More plastic poultry. Poetry. Plastic poetry. Snorkel duck represents resourcefulness, knowledge, savoir-faire. He is a duck, he swims. He is fearless in his pursuit of profundity but recognizes his shortcomings. He has a snorkel.

binoculars

We cater to women who dress for themselves, for other women, for men, and for perverts. Women want to be seen. They want to be beautiful, sexy. Perverts want to see sexy, beautiful women. It is important to see the big picture.

books

Culture is everywhere. Books teach us about worlds that lay beyond fashion. We adore curling up with a good book, reading a few pages -- three or four -- with a glass of champagne. Or three or four. We feed our souls with knowledge. Bubbles float like good ideas!

sustenance

We are human. We eat. When we were first starting out in this business we did not eat much. We still do not eat much. But we are better off now, and so we celebrate our successes. We celebrate life. Our refrigerator inspires us to live in the moment, to celebrate. Life is short, and there are always difficult times. We tell our clients to eat! drink! celebrate! but do not eat too much because we do not make clothing for the fat women.

bottles

Do they not look like people at a party? Some are old and some are new. The space between them contains secrets. This is tailoring! We can not overstate the importance of a proper fit.

fiorello

Fiorello LaGuardia. He was a man, a mayor of our city. An important man: there is an airport named for him. His serious countenance -- he looms! Our designs loom. Some are made on looms. We try to be bold.

photobooth photos

Spontaneity! A moment! Fashion indexes moments. There are different looks, captured in the blink of an eye. We are a photobooth capturing moments. Posterity is secondary.

dolls

There is the David Bowie song, "Little China Girl". These are little China boys. One is happy, one is sad, and one is confused. The sad one wears pink. He will be happy soon. Pink is happy. We used a lot of pink in our Spring 2003 collection, but we did not play "Little China Girl." We will be using pink again for Spring 2004. And camouflage. There is much strife in the world these days. Pink camouflage tells people to acknowledge the difficult times. But be happy!

two days late and quite a few dollars short • post/haste

So far this week two-twenty has failed miserably in what amounts to the only task we have set out for ourselves: parodying, creating something satirically inspired by, or otherwise snarkily deconstructing the Times Sunday Styles section… preferably on Monday. In our defense we would like to say that this week’s SS was really fucking lame. Perhaps this coming week’s will be better. Hahahahaha I doubt it. Anyways, without further ado, two-twenty presents this week’s Things We Learned:

Another British Isles band with the article The in their name has arrived in America wearing an inventive mix of vintage clothing and knowingly-referenced branded footwear! And scarves! Scarves are SO in. Speaking of which, SS says knitting is in again, which for the NYC hipster intelligentsia is an obvious indicator that the next trend is just getting ready to crest: tatting. Lace stockings: hott! Homemade lace doilies: v. v. hott!

Waterproof! Colorful! Synthetic! Think we’re talking about your favorite vibrator, “Elvis”? No. Rather, Pulse’s featured accessory this week: the L.L. Bean Adventure Tote. SS must have a particularly WASPy intern this month.

Bob Morris, in his “Age of Dissonance” column, writes about conspicuous rejection, or the art of flaunting one’s taste by dismissing the efforts of others. Mr. Morris is close here, for in fact up until a day or two ago blogging dismissively was quite the thing. Now, however, it’s all about displaying power, not taste or class. Making wildly inappropriate assumptions based more on an inflated sense of self-worth than on the facts is all the rage. A new breed of Machiavellian “talented tenth” Platonists are showing us self-indulgent, over-educated ironists what a dead-end trend we bought into. Why dismiss when you can destroy? Why undercut when you can overwhelm? And you know what really shows your audience who’s boss? Refusing to apologize or temper your former claims even when they have been publicly proven to have more to do with your entitled sense of superiority than with the actual situation on the ground (by “on the ground” we of course mean the LES).

In tangentially-related news: we are happy to report that Amy Lee, in “A Night Out With”, explained in a concise, no-nonsense manner why we do not need to listen to Evanescence in order to know we do not like their music: “Ms. Lee [lead singer of Evanescence]… is a classically trained pianist from Little Rock, Ark., who sings Goth ballads about suicide, betrayal and the afterlife over thrashing guitar and medieval choir arrangements. She moved to L.A. three years ago after she was signed to Wind-Up Records (known for bands with Christian appeal like Creed and Drowning Pool).”

But most important, of course, was the SS front page, top-of-the-fold story, all about the magic of Fashion Designers and their fantastical “mood boards”! “Mood boards” are pastiches of inspirational images, or what First- through Third-grade classrooms might term “collages”, and suburban families might term “refrigerators”. Fashion Designers are modern geniuses who use an alchemical process consisting of nothing more than hundreds of millions of dollars and some of the world’s most beautiful people to turn these “mood boards” into mystical vestments that people of a certain net worth and/or who have a certain vocabulary obsess over for a few weeks every year. It’s quite extraordinary, really. We here at two-twenty, alas, do not exist in the rarefied atmosphere necessary for the alchemy to occur. We do, however, have a refrigerator!

Coming soon! (Update: here they are!) Images that, were we Fashion Designers, would inspire us to create our ‘whimsical impulses in leather and tweed, inspired as much by the beat poets and the recent hit “You Got Served” as by the delicately portrayed indelicacies of Edwardian-era pornography’.

trunk sales to be renamed "treasure chests" • post/haste

Two-twenty loves pirates. We loved pirates WAY before they became a hott neuw trend. In fact, one of us is one, or at least was one for the better part of 2003 (the first part, not the second, pirate-laden part). If you had any doubt that the piracy trend had peaked and was starting to slide downhill, from Madison Avenue corner offices towards the absorbent vales of middle America, doubt no more:

Two-twenty's prediction for 2004's Halloween costume-cum-cultural meme: fairy princesses.

crime and punishment, reality tv edition • post/haste

We personally can't wait to see what the Real World: San Diego-ers get up this evening. Shoot a little H and knock over a bank? Robotripping and arson? Whatever it is, we know these kids will remind us what having fun is all about-- getting effing effed up! Yeah!

Speaking of reality television, the scifi channel has decided to enter a dog in the shark-jumping fight. Their show "Mad Mad House"s conceit is practically fool-proof: put a few freaks in a house with a bunch of 'normal' people; film the ensuing shenanagins and hijinx. No word yet on how this differs from Simple Life or Average Joe 2: Pathetic Pile-O-Poo.

What could be interesting is watching for the reactions of the various subbacultcha communities represented on the show: naturists, wiccans, vampiric uber-goths, voodoo enthusiasts, and modern primitives. I'm sure that each of these "alt" lifestyles has an online community who will earnestly catalogue every slight and prop they feel that their peeps get on the show. Oh look, there's one now, and the show doesn't even start until March 4th!

Official Mad Mad House Page | scifi.com

in the name of science • post/haste

Two-twenty's ongoing commitment to serve our community -- even if it means drinking a lot -- incited us to purchase a box of the supposed hangover preventor, RU-21. Though we sincerely doubt that it will work, we will be your guinea pigs. Because we love you.

tuesday is the new monday • post/haste

Due to circumstances beyond our control, this week's Sunday Styles-related post is going to have to wait until tomorrow. Sniff. Actually, it may have something to do with the fact that it was the most boring Sunday Styles section EVER. Or our general laziness. Or the fact that sometimes we actually have other things to do than update this fucking site.

Whatever, like you care.

kiddie porn pics so fine, cursed cabinets for wine, it's on ebay! • post/haste

Christ on a fucking crutch, as if the Jews weren't getting enough bad press what with the whole Jesus killing thing blowing up in their faces. Now some poor antique dealer's friends, family, and customers are suffering from a cursed Jewish wine cabinet. Hey, wanna buy it?

salon against the blogosphere • post/haste

You know what's going to be really good? Maccer's ode to Eurotrash's parody of Vividblurry's ode to Neal Pollack's parody of Whatevs (et al)'s parodically-imagined collective ode to the Grammy's.

Hey yah! Anybody out there? | Salon

this can only end badly • post/haste

So, the Grammy's were last night. The only interesting things they produced, as far as we can figure out, were one of those beautiful accusatory apologies from Justin (you remember, you used to hear them all the time from your favorite passive/aggressive ex-boy/girlfriend), and this:

photo from yahoo.com

We're sorry if the thought of a Vicodin and Red Bull-fueled sapphic orgy, all bright red collagen-injected lips and bony ass and Courtney passing out slick-faced between Paris' thighs as she mugs for the nightvision camera... we're sorry if that makes you spew your fat-free muffin all over your keyboard.

It's not us, it's you.

ps: for more insightful thoughts (read: thoughts from someone who actually watched the show), try here.

i'm on to you, fallon | alex • post/haste

Thanks to the modern wonder that is TiVo, I had the great pleasure today of TiViewing Jimmy Fallon as he dropped a joke on Weekend Update that I wrote, let's see... oh, right, almost two weeks ago. Word for word.

And that American Indian comic bit was total ass, too.

friends with benefits • post/haste

Craigslist's new(ish) strictly platonic personals section is turning into a repository for the odder and/or more desperate cl posters. Some examples:

• Painter needs female assistant, "must have cute butt". (Consensual ass-play is platonic, right?)
• Lovely ladies with no prior record and a lead foot - a young gentleman is in search of a partner in crime.
• Co-sign a loan for a hot Canadian chick! This is so totally on the level.

Then of course there are the dozens of 420 posts, most of which are m4w, most of which are written with the kind of spelling and grammatical errors indicative of being under the influence of "the pot", and most of which have a very simple subtext: 'Let's get high and then maybe you'll wanna fool around a little.' Example: "loveto smoke and would like to get togther with woen who like to smoke. so if this sounds cool then write back."

Mmmm... craigslist. Helping ass-fetishists, bankrobbers, scam artists and potheads 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

paris' new hobby: shopping herself • post/haste

"MOCK WARNING STICKER ON FRONT COVER OF BOOK: 'WARNING! IF YOU OPEN THIS BOOK YOU EXPOSE YOURSELF TO THE DANGEROUSLY FABULOUS LIFESTYLE OF PARIS HILTON. PROCEED AT RISK OF EXTREME ENVY - AND STRONG IMPULSE TO EMULATE.'

Did you really need the "MOCK"?

We are going to vomit.

talk amongst yourselves | alex • post/haste

I spent far too long yesterday venting my spleen on organized religion, and have other things to do today so unless the Paris threesome tape surfaces, we invade Korea, or Joanna goes apeshit on the keyboard, this will be a light posting day. Hence, a few second- and third-hand pieces of intertrash for you to pick over:

•The Black Table interviews ex-A&F Quarterly ex-editor Savas Abadsidis. "(It's pronounced "A-bad-seed-is." Yes, really.)" (via Gawker)
•Catherine's Pita directed me to the ok go blog where I found many funny things including this and this (warning: depending on your mood and/or the current chemical compounds circulating through your blood stream, you will either find that last one mildly amusing or you will want to shove your fist down my throat and pull my balls out through my nostrils).
•Related to that last one: you're all gay. (via some poo-related comment string some time ago on eurotrash)
•I've noticed a trend over at the Gothamist interviews: the guys' photos are all over the spectrum, from Phish-head trippy to endearingly geeky to frankly disturbing. The girls, however, are in agreement: go for the pretty moue. You go, girls.

Incidentally, ok go will be playing tonight at the Mercury Lounge. We may or may not be there. Out.

but limewire gives us our silence for free • post/haste

40 GB iPod: $499
Bose QuietComfort 2 Headphones: $299
iPod Carrying Case With Belt Clip: $39

Silence: priceless. Well, actually 99 cents.

The Sound... Of Silence | As The Apple Turns
Sounds of silence for sale on iTunes | MSNBC

ps: ipod battery? craptastic.

religion + hollywood = battlefield earth • post/haste

Some Christians See New Muppet Movie as Evangelism Tool

With Apologies to LAURIE GOODSTEIN

Published: February 5, 2004

For years it was an article of faith for many Christians that the most powerful vehicle for bringing nonbelievers to Jesus were the tears of Tammy Faye.

Now, they expect it will be a Muppet movie.

Three weeks before the release of “The Muppets and Torquemada Are Friends” – a graphic portrayal of the torture and brutality of the Inquisistion couched in the lovable familiarity of America’s favorite puppets – Christians nationwide are busy preparing to use it in an immense grass-roots evangelistic campaign.

Mr. Statler N. Waldorf, who produced, directed and largely financed the film, has tried to stoke their enthusiasm by screening it the past two months for at least 10,000 pastors and leaders of Christian ministries and media. Many emerged proclaiming it a searing, gut-wrenching experience.

Now those leaders are buying blocks of tickets, encouraging church members to invite their "unsaved" friends and co-workers, and producing television commercials that start with scenes of grotesque, almost unimaginable torture and finish with Kermit the Frog making a pitch for their churches.

"I don't know of anything since The Farting Evangelist or the Crusades that has had the potential of touching so many lives," said Morris H. Chapman, president of the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention, the nation's largest Protestant denomination. "It's like the Lord somehow laid in our lap something that could be a great catalyst for spiritual awakening in this nation." Mr. Chapman then snickered. “No pun intended. Laid! The Farting Evangelist? Get it?”

The movie opens on Ash Wednesday, Feb. 25, and Christian groups are already distributing merchandise to capitalize on the moment. There are small vials of grey dust labeled as “genuine ash of infidels burned at the stake,” and "witnessing cards" to give to those who ask about the vials, explaining what methods of torture they might expect if they do not accept the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior. There are door hangers in the shape of cowled Muppet characters for the neighbors; one million tracts asking moviegoers to "Take a moment right now to agree with us before we rip out your tongue and brand your genitals” and a CD-ROM for teenagers that features downloadable movies depicting the use of such popular truth-enhancers as the "Heretics Fork" and the "Pear". Instructions for fun group activities are included, should the teens be (un)fortunate enough to know any Jews, Muslims, homosexuals, or uppity women.

Although Mr. Waldorf is Roman Catholic and the movie is replete with Catholic touches, like the arbitrary nature of arrests for heresy and the virtual impossibility of acquittal once charged, influential Pentecostal and evangelical leaders have embraced it anyway, seeing its value as a tool in evangelism. Evangelical Christians account for 30 percent to 40 percent of the American population, and many of them have recently been hearing their leaders declare that the nation is primed for a return of the ecstatic Inquisitions and Crusades that moved countless believers over the ages to rape, pillage, torture, destroy, or otherwise render under their power anything that did not agree with their narrow worldview.

Mr. Waldorf's film company has hired several marketing firms and individuals experienced in combining cute puppets with difficult subject matter, including Peter Jackson, director of "Meet The Feebles". Reached for comment, Mr. Jackson's assistant's assistant said, “Piss off. The man's about to win an Oscar for Chrissake. And no I'm not free on Friday night." But much of the promotion was initiated by an assortment of ministry agencies, churches and individual torture enthusiasts.

One of these, the American Tract Society in Garland, Tex., proclaims on its Web site that the movie is "one of the greatest opportunities to convert or destroy the heathens in literally hundreds of years." Daniel Southern, the society's president, said his group had produced two tracts tied into the movie, and expected the one entitled “Find The Lord or Die” to sell well over one million copies (the other is called “Understanding the Harlot: Redeeming Miss Piggy Through Humiliation and Torture”). The only involvement of Mr. Waldorf's company, Mr. Southern said, was in granting permission to use a movie still (picturing Animal dancing beside the mutilated corpses of a Jew and a headless Moor) on the cover.

"This is an unprecedented opportunity that the average Christian needs to seize," Mr. Southern said. "You'll run into people at work who've seen the movie, and you can say, `Have you ever thought about why God is cruel to you?' And then you can say: `Because you’re a fucking homo and your Mom is a Jew.' And you hand them the tract showing what exactly will happen to them if they don’t repent. You’ll be surprised how understanding most folks will be once they see that Fozzie the Bear and Gonzo the… er… ah… Gonzo the God’s Creature are on our side, the side of Jesus Christ."

Teen Mania, an evangelical group that holds youth crusades in stadiums, says at least 3,000 leaders of church youth groups have bought CD-ROM kits that instruct young people in how to terrorize their schools until each and every one of their peers is either dead, imprisoned, enslaved, or accepts the power of Christ into their lives.

The film is rated R because of the violent torture and mutilation of heretics that occupies much of its two hours. Ron Luce, president of Teen Mania, says children would benefit from seeing it, and the CD-ROM supplies information to persuade parents to allow their children to attend.

"This isn't just violence for violence's sake," Mr. Luce said. "This is what really happened, what it would have been like to have been there in person to experience the Inquisition."

Ed. Note: Opponents of Christ have been quick to point out that the Muppets are not all sugar and spice, citing the existence of Evil Bert. In a move that has shocked the Muppet community, proponents of Islam claim they have signed the Fraggles to star in “Jihad: Final Victory Over the Infidel Doozers and Gorgs”.

Some Christians See "Passion" as Evangelism Tool | NY Times

we can't make this stuff up, people • post/haste

Sadly, we missed the event. No word on whether or not Justin T. showed up to discuss the history of the blaccent, or the quaint old tradition young southern white men had of ripping the bodices of black women. (Thanks to punkin' spice for finding the flyer and passing it along.)

spreading the word • post/haste

Last night, an evil genius located two-twenty using the most brilliant search terms ever: "hello kitty bong" Note to selves: create and market hello kitty bon... er... waterpipes, expressly for use with entirely legal tobacco products (and dried banana peels, natch).

Incidentally the first: said search terms take you here.
Incidentally the second: happy 30th, hello kitty! We are huge fans of any little pussy whose motto is "fun times are for sharing with friends!"

miss usa, brought to you by stoli and red bull • post/haste

Bad ideas just seem to happen when Sam Solovey (late of The Apprentice) is around. Could this (second item) have anything to do with this (latter via Gawker)?

our fabulous capital • post/haste

What stories are the "Big Three" (as defined by us) online national news outlets leading with at, oh, say, 2pm EST on a Wednesday?

Kerry rolls to 5 wins; success tied to Bush factor | MSNBC.com
Star witness testifies for 2nd day at Martha Stewart trial | CNN.com
Top Stories - Mass. Court: Gay Civil Unions Not Enough | FOXNews.com

Just curious. Incidentally, an excerpt from the FOXNews piece:

Massachusetts has one of the highest concentrations of gay households in the country with at 1.3 percent of the total number of coupled households, according to the 2000 census. In California, 1.4 percent of the coupled households are occupied by same-sex partners. Vermont and New York also registered at 1.3 percent, while in Washington, D.C., the rate is 5.1 percent.

No wonder Wonkette is always in such a bitterly snarky mood, must be awfully hard for a chick to get laid in that town (we assume she is straight or else she wouldn't make such cavalier jokes about blowjobs).

anonyblogging is the new weapons of mass destruction-related program activities • post/haste

Christopher Farah of Salon questions the "anonyblogger" phenom in today's "The Fix". At some point, however, editors made a correction which may help explain why Farrah takes issue:

A Feb. 4 article in The Fix misinterpreted a satirical item about George W. Bush written by the blogger Atrios. The item, a letter from a former maid of the president making outlandish allegations, was parody. Salon regrets the error.
[Correction made 02/04/04]

In other words, lighten up.

Two-twenty would like to, er, freely point out that we are not anonymous simply because we have nothing left to lose. Should one of us find steady employment involving health insurance and five figures beginning with a digit no smaller than seven, then this site will very quickly transform into a sycophant's love-letter, daily extolling the virtues of our new employer.

The Fix | Salon

we're gluttons for perishables • post/haste

Our latest Fresh Direct order tallied in at a whopping $339.08. Close inspection reveals that over half our cash went to beer and wine. Because we entertain a lot. Really.

(see the list for yourself)

		Dairy
2		Breakstone's All Natural Salted Butter - (2 sticks)	($1.75/ea)	$3.50
2		Breakstone's All Natural Unsalted Butter - (2 sticks)	($1.75/ea)	$3.50
1		Farmland 2% Lowfat Milk - (1/2 gallon)	($1.59/ea)	$1.59
1		Farmland Special Request Skim Plus Milk - (1/2 gallon)	($3.19/ea)	$3.19
1		Grade A Extra Large White Eggs - (1 dozen)	($1.79/ea)	$1.79
1		Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice with Double C & E - No Pulp - (1/2 gallon)	($2.49/ea)	$2.49
		Deli
1		FreshDirect 1/3 Less-Fat Neufchatel Cheese - (8oz)	($2.99/ea)	$2.99
1		Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Beef Franks - (7pc)	($2.79/ea)	$2.79
		Frozen
2		Amy's Organic Beans, Rice, and Cheddar Cheese Burrito - (6oz)	($2.39/ea)	$4.78
2		Amy's Organic Black Bean Burrito - (6oz)	($2.39/ea)	$4.78
2		Amy's Organic Black Bean Ranchero Breakfast Burrito - (6oz)	($2.39/ea)	$4.78
		Fruit
15		Limes - (Farm Fresh)	($0.20/ea)	$3.00
		Grocery
1		Amy's Organic Low-Fat Butternut Squash Soup - (14.1oz)	($1.69/ea)	$1.69
2		Bounty Paper Towels - 2 ply - (3 rolls)	($3.89/ea)	$7.78
2		Brooklyn Brewery Lager - (12oz bottles 6pk)	($7.49/ea)	$14.98
2		Budweiser - (12oz cans 30pk)	($19.99/ea)	$39.98
2		Cascade Lemon Automatic Dishwasher Liquigel - (45oz)	($3.29/ea)	$6.58
1		Dutch Country Stroehmann Twelve Grain Bread - (22oz)	($1.99/ea)	$1.99
1		Goya Canilla Long Grain White Rice - (10lb bag)	($4.29/ea)	$4.29
3		Hefty Cinch Sak Drawstring Trash Bags - 30 gallons - (20ct)	($4.99/ea)	$14.97
1		Heinz Ketchup - (46oz)	($3.39/ea)	$3.39
1		Kellogg's Smart Start Cereal - (17.5oz)	($4.19/ea)	$4.19
1		Kellogg's Special K Cereal - (18oz)	($5.09/ea)	$5.09
3		Kleenex Facial Tissue - 2 ply - (85 tissues)	($1.49/ea)	$4.47
4		Michelob Ultra, Low-Carb Beer - (12oz bottles 12pk)	($10.99/ea)	$43.96
1		Ocean Spray Pink Grapefruit Juice - (64oz)	($3.39/ea)	$3.39
2		Purex Fresh Clean Liquid Laundry Detergent - (128oz)	($3.99/ea)	$7.98
2		Quilted Northern - 2 ply - (6 rolls)	($4.59/ea)	$9.18
1		Thomas' Plain Fork Split English Muffins - (6pc)	($2.69/ea)	$2.69
1		Vintage Seltzer Water, Case - (1 liter bottles case of 12)	($5.99/cs)	$5.99
		Meat
4		Boneless Skinless Whole Chicken Breast - (Grade A, Standard Pack)	($3.99/lb)	$15.96
		Vegetables & Herbs
1		Basil - (Farm Fresh)	($1.99/ea)	$1.99
1		Braided Garlic - (3 lb)	($14.99/ea)	$14.99
2		Cilantro - (Farm Fresh)	($1.99/ea)	$3.98
3		Green Bell Pepper - (Farm Fresh, Lg)	($1.69/lb)	$3.38
0.5		Habanero Pepper - (Farm Fresh)	($3.99/lb)	$2.00
0.25		Jalapeño Pepper - (Farm Fresh)	($1.99/lb)	$0.50
2		Mint - (Farm Fresh)	($1.99/ea)	$3.98
1		Russet Potato, Bag - (Farm Fresh, 5lb bag)	($1.99/ea)	$1.99
1		Yellow Onion, Bag - (Farm Fresh, 2lb bag)	($1.29/ea)	$1.29
1		(A)Muse Me! Muse Cabernet-Shiraz 2001 - (750ml)	($11.00/ea)	$11.00
1		Easy Slider Serras de Azeitão Vinho Tinto 2001 - (750ml)	($9.00/ea)	$9.00
1		Falo the Leader La Sera Barbera "Il Falò" 2001 - (750ml)	($10.00/ea)	$10.00
1		House of Vinnie Château Lamothe-Vincent Bordeaux 2002 - (750ml)	($10.00/ea)	$10.00
1		Less is More! Brunellesco Pinot Grigio 2002 - (750ml)	($8.75/ea)	$8.75
1		Light my Fire! Fusée Syrah 2001 - (750ml)	($7.50/ea)	$7.50
1		Little Big Vin Le Petit Duc Sauvignon de Touraine 2002 - (750ml)	($11.00/ea)	$11.00

* Estimated Weight & Our Honest Pricing Policy	Estimated Subtotal: $339.08 * Tax: $19.25 Delivery Charge: $3.95 Bottle Deposit: $6.60 Estimated Order Total: $368.88 *

"paris: the girl to beat in '04" | joanna • post/haste

I'm sorry. I would write something about this but I have to wipe up the coffee I just spewed all over my monitor.

Page Six | NY Post

we love courtney • post/haste

She's baaack.

One week before her new album, "America's Sweetheart", hits stores, Courtney Love has begun mouthing off to the press about whatever she damn pleases, including her intimate (and scientific!) knowledge of blow. The UK's Daily Mirror reprinted the following beaut from NME:

"I found out something really interesting about cocaine. The reason grown-ups get all the good stuff and whenever we touch it it's disgusting and makes our noses run, is because they took the ether out. So there's no point in even doing cocaine any more because there's no such thing."

"Everyone in England does coke but I'm here to tell you there's no ether in coke, so don't offer me a line unless you know some Colombian I don't."

If only she'd have told us before last week's assignment.

Need more Love in your life? Check out this oldie-but-goodie interview with NME featuring a brilliant, painterly discussion of when Courtney and Winona met The Strokes, listen to a track off "America's Sweetheart", or, our favorite, eyeball last year's Q Magazine bikini wax / naked-romp-through-London photo-shoot.

heinz-kerrys are the new hiltons • post/haste

We are not sure why, but Salon has decided to do an expose on the Heinz and Kerry families (referred to as the "Heinz-Kerrys"), calling them "a roiling mass of beauty, brains and bad temper." Um, ok.

Apparently, sometimes the Heinz-Kerrys use swear words. One of the Heinz boys once dated Gwyneth (who is herself quite the wildchild what with the marriage and the bun-in-the-oven and all), and another "is a reclusive Pennsylvania Buddhist who runs a school for wayward kids and is... [sensationally leading ellipse theirs] a blacksmith." Zounds! Daughter Alexandra Kerry is... a filmmaker!

Is this left-leaning Salon's attempt to spice up Kerry and get the pro-boob flash vote on board? Perhaps, as they end the piece thusly: "So far, allowing us to see this bunch of loons up close has only made their dull patriarch -- the man who may be elected president -- more palatable." Mmm... palatable loons.

Full disclosure: as two or three readers may remember, two-twenty once knew Alex Kerry, way back in our prep school daze. Due to the huge amounts of drugs and alcohol we imbibe on a daily basis, we barely remember anything about her. Regardless, we are very happy to hear how exciting and scandalously fabulous her life has become.

Is America ready for the wild Kerry family? | Salon

gearing up for valentine's day massacre • post/haste

Fott Kathy forwards on a deliciously precocious little evite to The Tigress Den Premiere Party, billed as "The only singles party where women come first."

We assume they mean "premiere" as in "first of its kind" as opposed to "premiere" as in "celebrating a movie's opening". A cursory imdb search reveals a 1977 "erotic adventure" film entitled "Tigress". However, as the only on-site review calls Tigress "the worst of the Ilsa movies" and complains that although "[t]he deaths at the Siberian camp are entertaining... the chainsaw/arm-wrestling scenes [have been] cut..." two-twenty assumes that this party is not a celebration of a nearly-lost cult classic. Too bad.

Instead, Tigress Den appears to be a party where women are encouraged to shop and gossip about guys for two hours, before the very guys they have been gawking over show up and fuck them. Or something like that. Other neat ideas from Cosmo Parties: eating food in pitch darkness with your hands while people wearing night-vision goggles stalk around you (Afghanistan Night!); something called a "Message Party", which is basically Friendster without the all-important feature of being able to anonymously ignore the senders of icky messages you don't like.

Try our mix... and get blended! - Home | Cosmo Party

coincidence is the hob-bloglin of small minds • post/haste

See anyone you might recognize here? Lawyer-proof (er, right, like anyone looking at this either cares enough - or can afford - to hire a lawyer) unfounded hypothesis: ultragrrrl meets ikeepadiary in the Gothamist featured personal of the day:

Gothamist: continuing their crusade against anonymous blogging. Two-twenty: continuing to have too much time on our hands.

tit the new ass, nipple shield the new thong • post/haste

Paris' publicists are out in force this week. Cindy Adams reports that Paris Hilton is trying to rustle herself up a book deal. Is this hott new gossip? No.

Lloyd Grove gives us a bit more juice, with reference to "shrinking-violet" sister Nicky and an apparently dead-on-the-vine Simple Life season two - in Alaska. Wait, Fox already did that show. It was called Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska. As they say, no buzz.

Two-twenty thinks publicists everywhere are feeling a little bit of extra pressure this week; pressure to live up to the recent extravagant successes garnered by the publicity teams behind Janet's right teat, J.Sim, and Joyce Wadler's back.

tori loves chachi: a $pelling production • post/haste

This past Autumn Tori Spelling and Charlie Shanian announced their engagement to the world. We missed the news, having been consumed by more important, more interesting things, like what kind of beer to order from Fresh Direct, how to keep our then-houseguest Tim from starting bar brawls, and re-learning html for the purpose of birthing our digital brainchild. Long awake from our solipsistic haze (though only on our third cup of coffee for the day) we rose to learn from Page Six that Tori and Charlie have set the date for August 14th, and have registered at Williams-Sonoma in an effort to assuage the disparity between the two families' bank accounts.

With the exception of the Professional Culinary Torch (sexy) and the Salter Nutrition Scale (so not-sexy), the registry reads like a 1950's hausfrau's response to the advice that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Or maybe how alter-ego Donna Martin might have prepared for her first stab at hosting Thanksgiving. (90210 flashback: didn't she marry David in the end after ditching that evil Ray-Pruitt-with-two-Ts? eh, doesn't matter, she definitely got laid before the show ended.)

As the Post cites, Tori's betrothed is a fellow thespian. Though we're far more interested in the couple's gifts than his, Charlie's voice-over reel provides a good minute of distraction... just like Tori's breasts.

the week that very nearly was • post/haste

Activities inspired by the Times Sunday Styles Section, or, 'Adventures in Home Journalism':

Two-twenty’s assignment for last week: retreat to our fabulous penthouse pied-a-terre and determine how long one can maintain our Hunter S. Thompson-meets-Tony Montana lifestyle without leaving the house.

Step1: call Slippy, our dealer. Slippy has some Afghani hash for $500 a brick. Briefly consider whether or not our actions are contributing to international terrorism or weapons of mass destruction-related program activities. Buy two. Get half ounce of White Widow for good measure.

Ask Slippy if he has anything more invigorating. He says no, but mentions that Britney was on the left coast this week and didn’t buy her usual supply of ‘Ludes from him. We’ll take ‘em. And the Oxycontin too. All of it.

Dial up sherry-lehman on the old tele-interweb, order three cases of Veuve and a case of ’00 Lafitte. Bribe a friend to deliver a case of Ketel One and two quarter pounders with cheese. After performing the promised sexual favors (Alex lost that coin toss), ask friend for phone number of their connection in hopes of finally scoring some blow. Repeat sexual favor (really not your lucky day, is it Alex?). Get number.

Call friend’s connection, a gentleman going by the sobriquet Benihana. Benny Hana? Neither here nor there. He threatens to kill friend for giving out number. Massaging his jaw, Alex encourages Benny to follow through with threat. A deal is struck. Decide to lay in a full kilo -- in case of emergency.

Atlas rolls two empty bottles of Ketel One across foyer floor, trying to lap up the residue. None of us can remember how the bottles got there. Begin to suspect that the dog is somehow holding out on us. Our ratios are off… the coke hasn’t even arrived yet… throwing caution to the wind we decide to power through with another couple of Quaaludes and a hit from our Hello Kitty bong. Wake up when doorman calls to announce Benny’s arrival. Doorman sounds nervous, suspicious. We spend next ten minutes trying to decide if we are being paranoid, then forget how conversation started.

Entertain selves by laying out two twenty-foot long lines in the hallway. Joanna’s obsessive-compulsive need for them to look “artistic” is met with only mild amusement. Days pass. Can’t find the dog anywhere.

Call up Peter Landesman to see if we can get us one of those sex slaves. He is not amused. We refer him to our lawyer, realize we accidentally gave him Benny’s number, figure that one will probably take care of itself.

Pay-per-view Gigli. Experience first awkward moment of silence in fourteen years of friendship after agreeing that the movie “wasn’t all that bad”… and meaning it. Blame it on the Oxy, and the fact that Joanna muttered the words "in bed" after every other line of dialogue.

Find a small, brown-skinned delivery man unconscious in the bathroom. We wake him and he screams “Diablo!” as he runs outside and throws himself from the terrace. Await cops' arrival. Several hours (days?) later realize it was probably all a hallucination. Hope? No, realize. Yes.

Run out of Veuve. Fight over whether or not to order in hookers, settle on a clown, a burlesque stripper and a caricaturist instead. Find dog under the bed, passed out amongst shredded tinfoil and the remains of one of the hashish bricks.

Come to on Sunday evening just as Justin is molesting a scary witch-woman<