two-twenty

hanging my threads | joanna • post/haste

Contrary to some very compelling evidence, I am not -- well, not exclusively -- a disorganized mess.

No, dear two-twenty reader, I am an organizing-idiot savant.

And here is my latest flash of intelligence: hangers that work.

Just a little bit of paper taped to either side of my hangers. Presto: no more slip dresses slipping off slippery hangers.

In retrospect, I could have used the cool Muji clips I bought for no apparent reason. Would have been more aesthetically pleasing and easier to undo.

Ah, retrospect.

fifth avenue coffee | mister hamburger • post/haste

Fifth Ave Coffee 389 5th Ave (36th street), 212-686-3560

Note: Home delivery burgers get rated higher than burgers in resto's because it is a very difficult art form to make and send out a burger and have it at your place in good condition. For example, this one gets 5 hamburgers first impression, but it would get 2 in a resto...

BURGER NAME: Cheese burger deluxe with bacon

FIRST IMPRESSION: These guys get a golden hamburger hat. They seperate the fries in a tin pan thing, which means they stay crispy unlike any other monkeys who run diners in Midtown, especially those twats at Blue Moon or whatever it's called. I hate those idiots. The burger was in a little plastic thing which didn't squash the bun at all.

APPEARANCE: I mean, it is not five hamburgers in a restaurant, but for home delivery, it is for sure. I could have married this hamburger at home and been happy.

MEAT: not special. Overcooked though the texture was okay.

BUN: Little dry, which Mister Hamburger never likes. Mister Hamburger doesn't like too moist either. There are only a couple of places Mister Hamburger likes moist and his buns are not one of them.

PACKAGE: Really goddam impressive.

TASTE: With the beauty of the burger, Mister Hamburger was preppared for a fucking brilliant burger but was let down. It was alright, but nothing at all special.

DRIPPYNESS: Almost no drips at all, but the cheese was melted well all over the patty which was good, so it got one hamburger.

MEAT TEXTURE : Average.

MEAT COLOR: Stunning and lovely, but again, the cook must paint these things with good looking hamburger sauce ($19.95 rrp.) because it didn't taste that good. Maybe it was made of cat.

SIZE: Enormous.

VALUE: Enormous.

COOKED TO SPECS: Slightly over cooked. American diner cooks largely seem scared to cook things so they remain bloody.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: He certainly tried but I couldn't taste the passion of a true gold burger hat winner. He spent too long making it pretty and not enough time making it good.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Relatively fast delivery so everything was ready to eat when it arrived which was refreshing, though the whole experience was soured on the part of all my neighbors having a convention to talk about the Co-Op board right outside my door. To complicate things, my dog was trying to escape and I could feel everyone looking at me thinking he is the guy who didn't tip enough and now we have "cheap ass" written on the wall outside the elevators with an arrow to my door (which we do, and Mister Hamburger has tried and tried to clean it off, but I can't. It is in blue biro. If anyone has any magic tips which won't further ruin the lovely wallpaper, then tell me.)

ONE HOUR LATER: Too many damned fries which I have to try to eat. Felt a little full later, but that could have been on account of 3000 beers and shots over the past 4 days and the fact I was in bed watching the golden girls which will make anyone sick (it never fails to kill the old people that watch it). Was a fucking huge burger too, which I tried to but couldn't finish.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Crunchy fries, and the disgusting shit things called pickles were wrapped inoffensively with white paper making it much easier to pick it up and throw it out. Mister Hamburger hates pickles and those long green vegetable type things.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Like a really sexy bitch thats phenomenally bad in bed.

metrosexual or gay-vague? • post/haste

Hey, come on down, it's time for two-twenty's very first Style Section Quiz, in which we test your ability to determine whether a celebrity is metrosexual or gay-vague!

Let's see how you did!

shake shack | mister hamburger • post/haste

Shake Shack, Madison Square Park

BURGER NAME: Cheeseburger, $3.69

FIRST IMPRESSION: Like a burger looked back home in Melbourne. Served in greasy wax paper, and in a box with whatever else you ordered, it's really simple. It's burger heaven. You can smoke while you order, smoke while you pick up your order, smoke while your slow eating friend finishes and smoke while you drink the beers you ordered. All outside in the park.

New York Magazine voted this the best burger in the city two years running, which makes it pretty clear that they're a bunch of dicks who can't think outside of the Paris Hilton/Maer Roshan/rewrites of Page 6 box. I mean they said in their review of it last year that it was NYC's answer to In'n'Out burger - why on earth would anyone claiming to be a New Yorker make a parallel with something those shit monkeys on the West coast came up with and say ours is as good. Danny Meyer obviously thought of it first and In'nOut burger stole it from his mind using super technology from outer space.

I mean it is a fucking good burger, but best in the city? Morons.

APPEARANCE: Joanna said "you know, those burgers just look like a picture of a burger." I think she wanted to be quoted like people in the Zagat's thing, so there it is.

MEAT: Brilliant. Fresh, cooked perfectly.

BUN: This bun is not toasted but it doesn't need to be. It is covered in greasy goodness, it is moist, and fresh. Awesome buns. Not like the average racks at that dump near grand central. I'd settle for awesome buns over an average rack any day.

PACKAGE: No charm whatsoever, but that's kinda the charm of this place.

TASTE: Extremely rich flavors in the cheese and the meat. The meat is just such high quality and cooked so well that it alone is brilliant.

DRIPPYNESS: Best drippyness on a burger I have had in my entire life.

MEAT TEXTURE : Awesome.

MEAT COLOR: Awesome.

SIZE: They are the perfect size. Big ain't always better in burgers, though the thing small cocked men say is not right at all. I have never met a girl who likes small dicks.

VALUE: About five bucks for some fries and a burger. The best.

COOKED TO SPECS:

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: It is a fashionable fast food joint, but the service is pretty good considering. Less attitude from the people cooking and giving you the food than the dicks who take your order.

ONE HOUR LATER: Felt great and ordering another burger now 5 hours on.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Shakes really good. Fries alright, not bad not good. They have Poochini's too, which is a three buck dish for the dog. Peanut butter on the bottom to keep them busy while you eat, frozen custard on top with dog croquettes stuffed in.

FINAL IMPRESSION: There was a huge bitch fight between two gangs of marauding ho's on the corner within view which involved women kicking other women while those lame park ranger types unsuccessfully tried to do something to stop it; I bought two well cooked phones after lunch from someone for a good deal; my dog is happy and full and not as annoying as normal; I smoked the entire time; and I had a fucking bad ass burger. Oh, and I got the phones unlocked at a place around the corner. Like I said, burger heaven.

introducing 2white, the hott new boyband • post/haste

pershing square | mister hamburger • post/haste

Pershing Square, 42nd street and Park Avenue opposite Grand Central terminal.

BURGER NAME: Sirloin Burger, $12 (Or $15 with fries. Criminals.)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Looked clean and edible.

APPEARANCE: Booooooring. They didn't seem to care much about that eating with your eyes thing.

MEAT: Sirloin. Good.

BUN: Little stale. Toasted well but just dried out the burger more.

PACKAGE: not greatly impressed at all, just bored.

TASTE: Meat and swiss cheese were very good together, not enough bells and whistles were not at all exciting.

DRIPPYNESS: Just like this review, the drippyness was average. Everything about this burger was average. Average sucks, and Mister Hamburger doesn't like average. I mean if I hate something then it is good to review and vent over the horrid experience, and if I loved the burger, then I can write a blow job piece. Mister Hamburger swears never to write another review about an average burger, unless I feel like it. Or I get paid.

MEAT TEXTURE : Impressed with the texture at least, though the fuck who over cooked it is still getting the hamburger and chain.

MEAT COLOR: Great color - i mean for a change it looked like I was actually eating meat.

SIZE: Pretty average. I mean it was big, but minus the all important bells and whistles, it just didn't cut it.

VALUE: Far too expensive. I think it is one of those annoying NYC things though - where you pay for rent; and I mean who the fuck does not want to sit right next to one of Manhattans busiest thoroughfares. Dicks.

COOKED TO SPECS: As ALWAYS I asked for medium rare and those fuckers gave me a medium. I mean how hard is it to cook a burger medium rare when you're a professional burger flipper? Morons. Mister Hamburger thinks that they should be given a ball and burger type thing until they learn how to cook. Like a big steel hamburger and a chain for their foot, and when they can cook to specs, then it will be given to the next chef who has ruined Mister Hamburgers day.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: I couldn't see or taste any real love. Maybe some passion, but he just seemed bored. Like Mister Hamburger eating it.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Bitches. Total fucking bitches. Average racks.

ONE HOUR LATER: Felt really good.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: My colleague said the pickles were good. All they gave us though was some lettuce a slice of tomato and a pickle. No fries - $12 for a fucking burger that is so boring it makes you want to fall asleep and no fries for additional head rest?

FINAL IMPRESSION: Hard to enjoy because we were being eaten alive by bugs and mozzies. So much itching it was crazy. The burger was cool, but $12 was steep for it. Nothing really great about it. For $8 I would have been happy and given it three burgers. Paying rent at this stupid place and guessing it is full of suits most of the time. If mediocrity and hanging out with cock knockers in suits is your thing, then you'll love Pershing Square.

testing flickr on animals • post/haste

how to get mp3s from your mac to your moto razr | joanna • post/haste

Ash surprised me yesterday with an effing awesome two year anniversary gift: the phone I've been coveting for six months, a Motorola Razr V3.

The means by which Ash was able to procure not one, but two, of these fancy gadgets is, sadly, not my story to tell. I can only say that it involved Craigslist, the Shake Shack, and a nice lady he's pretty sure is Russian. He is a very savvy consumer.

Anyway, and maybe needless to say, the phones didn't come with a manual. Finding one was easy enough on the Motorola website (though I had to dig my copy of Explorer out from under a haze of digital dust to download it), but even as far as manuals go, this one sucks.

The one and only bit of information I desperately needed was how to take advantage of the mp3 ringtone capability. Not in the manual. So I turned to the web. Sure, the info was out there, but not in one place. Not until now...

How to use your Bluetooth enabled Mac to transfer Mp3s to your Motorola V3 Razr:

1. Get the Moto ready to say hello to your Mac

In the your phone's Main Menu, go to Settings, then select Connection, then Bluetooth Link, then Setup. Change Power to On, and then go up to Find Me and select. You can name your phone while you're here, too, but unless you've got another unnamed phone vying for a connection, it isn't necessary. Keep your phone open.

2. Get your Mac to think different about your Moto

In your Mac's System Preferences, select the Bluetooth pane (under hardware), toggle to Devices, and click Set up new device... The Bluetooth Setup Assistant will pop up. Click Continue to get to Select Device Type, and toggle Mobile Phone (not trying to be insulting, but some people prefer not to think while they follow instructions). Click Continue. Your Mac should then find the phone. When it does, click on it -- the name, if you named it, or a bunch of numbers. Hit Continue.

3. Get the Moto paired with your Mac

On your Mac, a pin code will appear in the Bluetooth Assistant. Check out your phone. It will ask you if you want to bond with your Mac. Tell it yes, then enter the pin number. If for some reason something goes awry, it's likely because it took too long -- go back to Find Me and select it again.

4. If you're like me, decide not to decide

Your phone and Mac are paired, now, so you're about ready to put mp3s on it, but your Mac wants to know if you want it to sync your address book and calendar with your phone, and if you want to use your phone to access the internet. If you do, go for it. I did not, so I just unchecked the boxes and moved along. I mean, Continued and, quit the assistant.

5. And, finally, get a freaking mp3 ringtone on the phone

In your Mac's menu bar, click on the Bluetooth icon and select Browse Device. Click on your phone, and then on Browse. Double click on the audio folder, and then, once you're in, the Send... button. If you've had a Mac for longer than it took for you to read these idiotic instructions, you will know how to finish this part of the very rewarding task. Just know that your ringtone has to have the .mp3 extension. Moto no say hello without.

Your ringtone is now with all the other ringtones that came with your phone, so just go back to Audio in your phone's Settings menu and select it as your ring.

The whole process takes about an eight of the time it took to write down for you. Jesus. No wonder manuals are so awful.

in-n-out | mister hamburger • post/haste

IN-N-OUT BURGER, FISHERMAN'S WHARF, SAN FRANCISCO

BURGER NAME: Number 2 - Cheeseburger, fries and a drink.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Store was packed to capacity with asshole tourists like myself.

APPEARANCE: Looked fresh and exciting.

MEAT: Good meat flavor, char grilled on edges and med rare in the middle. Good.

BUN: Toasted really well, perfect size for the contents and patty.

PACKAGE: Looked like something from a 1960's film. Stupid bright reds and yellows and weird neon shit all over the place. Food all looked fresh and edible.

TASTE: I was expecting the best burger ever, and the one I had was good, but not like old homestead. Was still a shit hot burger though for a fast food joint - the best as far as that goes.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect amount so that it did not cover my hands in grease and fat and enough so it was moist and delicious. Yeah.

MEAT TEXTURE : Very good. They say they never freeze any of their ingredients which seems to make a difference.

MEAT COLOR: Looked like real meat. In-n-Out burger has good colorists.

SIZE: Perfect amount for lunch. Maybe to many fries, but I don't feel bad having to throw them in the bin like I do throwing a burger.

VALUE: For the flavor and the package it was great

COOKED TO SPECS:

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: I couldn't taste it but it was there. I knew. I could feel it.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Weirdo californians on too much prozac serving. Friendly and quick. Food took 20 minutes to be cooked though which was not fast. Like French fast food which isn't fast at all.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Good milkshakes.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger loves.

les halles | mister hamburger • post/haste

Les Halles , Park Avenue btwn 28th &29th

BURGER NAME: HAMBURGER ROSSINI, "ground to order, char grilled, slice of home made foie gras terrine melting on top, dip of black truffle and red wine sauce, $21.00"

FIRST IMPRESSION: It had foie gras on top which generally means 5 burgers automatically in the Mister Hamburger rating system, but it was missing cheese.

APPEARANCE: Beautiful.

MEAT: Beautiful.

BUN: A tiny bit to thick on the top, but otherwise incredible.

PACKAGE: Beautiful.

TASTE: The foie gras was so fucking good on the meat and squashed all over it when i was eating. Brilliant. The red wine sauce was a phenomenal, strong sauce and the truffle flavor was not dominating as it so often is in foods. Would have gotten 5 burgers should they have put cheese on the bottom of the burger. not on the top because it would ruin the foie gras.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect. Not to messy so it was disgusting or made the bun soggy, and enough drippyness for it to be a real burger.

MEAT TEXTURE : un-fucking-beleivable. They ground it just for me, special meat for Mister Hamburger, Mister Hamburger loves. I also tried some of the raw hamburger meat (steak tartar that Alex ordered) and it was crazy.

MEAT COLOR: Les Halles always has incredible meat, and the burger was no exception.

SIZE: HUGE. So big i was tired for 3 hours from digesting it. I should not have eaten all of it but i couldn't waste the foie gras. I couldn't finish the fries.

VALUE: Before I became an alien I balked at $20 for a hamburger, but Mister Hamburger learned fast and doesn't mind kicking down up to $75 for a hamburger if it is a special occasion. $20 hamburgers are for dinner, not lunch and definitely not hangover brunches.

COOKED TO SPECS: Perfect. They are geniuses at Les Halles. If I ever make Mister Hamburger awards, they are getting a gold hamburger hat.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Gold Hamburger hat.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: She was nice.

ONE HOUR LATER: Bloated. I should have just licked all the foie gras off the burger and not finished the rest.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Some of the greatest fries on the planet and it looked like fresh salad.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Even though a man should never have best friends, Mister Hamburger wants to be best friends with Tony Bourdain.

Katie Holmes' Auditing Session • post/haste

According to the Cult of Scientology, the mind retains the memory of trauma in the form of engrams. During an auditing session, the events are recalled, and an e-meter registers the pain from the past, helping the person become clear. In this totally fake auditing session, Katie Holmes grows one step closer to... Tom Cruise.

Katie Holmes' Auditing Session (mp3)

The Transcript:

Auditor: Can you tell me about the time of sorrow?

Katie: Without him I feel his arms around me. The world around me changes and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.

Auditor: Thank you very much, your needle is floating now.

Katie: The world is full of happiness that I have never known. I love him, I love him, I love him.

p.s.
That is actually Katie Holmes singing.

burger king | mister hamburger • post/haste

BURGER KING, 5th Avenue btwn 35th and 36th

BURGER NAME: Whopper with cheese value meal

FIRST IMPRESSION: Just when you think the scale of class in America could not drop at a lower level, you enter a Burger King. The fucking trash that inhabits these places throughout the union seems to have had their annual meeting in the BK near my house. The fat white fuck in the corner with nowhere else to go, desperate not to risk going outside into the heat should he accidentally sweat off one of his hundreds of pounds; the illiterate homegirls marching up the counter oblivious to the line and without saying a word waving some sticky wet voucher for a free burger in the workers face; and the freaks mooching about and cackling at seemingly nothing making everyone nervous.

APPEARANCE: Looked like it had been warmed up under the fat cracker in the corner for a half hour.

MEAT: The only saving grace of the burger. Over processed meat cooked to the high fast food standards, or about 3 minutes under the grill.

BUN: Not toasted enough and really dry which discounts the theory in Appearance.

PACKAGE: Mister hamburger gives it one burger because he was thirsty and it was hot outside. The Fanta was ice cold and enormous.

TASTE:

DRIPPYNESS: The strength of BK over McDonald's is that awesome sauce they use. I don't know what it's called but it is the runny white stuff. This burger did not have enough of that stuff, and the meat was pretty dry too. For the first time I had a burger that didn't have enough drippyness.

MEAT TEXTURE: Fast food joints are great for the texture. Every patty is exactly the same.

MEAT COLOR: Again, every fast food joint has the same grey colored meat. Kind of freaks me out, the whole grey meat thing.

SIZE: Too big.

VALUE: A lot of food but not enough for two separate sittings.

COOKED TO SPECS: I'd give it 5 burgers, but they fucked up the burger itself. You know exactly what your getting normally at McDonalds or places like that, but when they give you stale shit it's really bad.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: I'd give it less if i could. The dipshits behind the counter couldn't orchestrate my order and the homey trying to claim her free burger with the voucher that actually read 'free small soda'. At one point there were four idiots staring at the register with one brain cell between them and a manager trying to work out how I might be able to pay. Totally fucking useless.

ONE HOUR LATER: No problems, maybe a little sugar high.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Stale fries, though as I said the drink was ice cold like Graham's beers in Vanimo.

the two-twenty guide to new york for australians • post/haste

your accent

When you first move to New York City, you will not be understood by everyone. You will find this frustrating, especially when your New Yorker friends translate your excruciatingly simple phrases to people whose accents you can clearly comprehend. Please remember that though Australia has produced some terrific films that Americans love (and understand), Hollywood's missionaries converted you first, and hard.

Eventually, your accent will go the way of Mel Gibson's -- for which your friends back home will taunt you endlessly. In the meantime, know that chicks in New York think that guys with Australian accents are sexy, while the opposite is true for Ozzie women, unless you look and sound like Nicole Kidman.

Oh, and if someone thinks you're British here, it's a compliment. Americans, and New Yorkers, think people with British accents are superior. Two-twenty hypothesizes that this is the national equivalent of wanting to sleep with a smug, happily-married ex you dumped in high school.

words and abbreviations

New Yorkers do not have the same panache for abbreviating words as you. Sure, we try, but rarely do we succeed. Generally -- and it's better this way -- we leave the pastime to our Outback -- America. That's where Deborah, that woman you just met, was called Debbie until she packed up for the Big Apple. Our collective talent lies more in inspiring Deborah to pronounce Target "Tar-Jay." This works very much in your favor: since you come from a far-away land, teaching a New Yorker that MacDonalds is called Maccas will be met with appreciative giddiness. We enjoy the irony of faux-sophistication, and like to know things others don't (it makes us feel British). So please teach us your shortenings and sobriquets. We can not understand you otherwise, at least initially.

Hmm. You don't have to tell us about "thongs", though. We like when men talk about their thongs. Well, Joanna does.

miss/ma'am

The only time it is acceptable to call a New York woman "Ma'am" is if she has let her hair gone grey. If her hair is grey from old age, she will not take umbrage, having long embraced her erstwhile "Miss" status; if her hair has gone grey prematurely and she has not colored it, you have done a good deed and provided her with a much needed impetus to go to the salon. Do not call a woman with less than half-an-inch of grey roots Ma'am unless you are mean.

tipping

You are expected to pay at least 20% on top of your bill. Anything less means you were dissatisfied with your meal and/or service. The repercussions can be brutal. Note that the 20% rule also applies to a bar tab. If you pay as you go, the minimum gratuity is $1 a drink.

portion sizes

Even if you have seen Super-Size Me, you will be astonished by how large portions are here. Especially drinks. A general rule of thumb: large=small, unless you're in a movie theater (cinema), where small=child size.

Shots are also large, by the way, but we imagine that will be a surprise too pleasant to question.

australian for beer

For as long as Americans who have lost brain cells from drinking beer can remember, Fosters has aggressively sought to persuade us that their beer is all you guys drink. Therefore, do not be surprised if New Yorkers welcome you to our land with a can (tin) of it. We are trying to make you feel at home. Our resident Aussie suggests Brooklyn Lager as an alternative to your beloved VB, or perhaps a Bud.

light beer

Because Americans are fat alcoholics, light beer in New York has the same amount of alcohol (nearly, anyway), but fewer calories than regular beer. No, it does not taste as good.

Not even Sam Adams Light.

fighting

If you find yourself in a situation where fisticuffs seem imminent, issue a final threat in the broadest Aussie accent you can muster. New Yorkers think Australians are rough; you'll never have to throw a punch.

first trip to the supermarket

Due to limited space, New York supermarkets are comparably tiny to the supermegacrazymarkets found elsewhere in this country. Nonetheless, you will find a dazzling array of food and drink and god-knows-what-else in colorful packages with descriptions of their contents written in English. Many of you will be compelled to buy these victuals and potables for sheer amusement value. By all means, do. New Yorkers tend to behave similarly when abroad in America. Just, please, do not leave them at your New Yorker-friend's house, to whom that candy you thought was really fucking weird and funny is just really fucking gross.

That's all for now. Let us know if we missed anything, mate.

viva las hamburguesas | joanna • post/haste

Mister Hamburger ran into a dear old friend at the Puerto Rican Day Parade...

He's too busy contemplating hamburgers to offer any comment other than that he gave the parade , and the encounter, .

moonstruck diner | mister hamburger • post/haste

MOONSTRUCK, 38th and Mad, HOME DELIVERY

BURGER NAME: Cheese burger deluxe (with fries)

FIRST IMPRESSION: ugly as hell. stupid onion rings on the side pressed into the bun leaving stinky ring marks on bun. fries flaccid and undercooked. squished into a stupid little cardboard type of box thing in a bag with about 4000 ketchup packages per burger and 6000 salt sachets. lost count of napkins and knives and forks at 9,768. who the fuck wants to eat a burger wit a knofe and fork? cunts.

APPEARANCE
MEAT: good black on top and bottom from grill
BUN: "at least the bun fits the burger" says joanna, which is about all you can say about them.

TASTE
MEAT:
BUN:
PACKAGE:

DRIPPYNESS:

MEAT TEXTURE : at least it is not full of gristle

MEAT COLOR: looks normal.

SIZE: huge. enormous.

VALUE: could feed a homeless man for 3 days happily.

COOKED TO SPECS: the meat is done to med rare well, but everything else slips out of the burger and the fries suck.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: service from people there is shocking and delivery takes forever.

ONE HOUR LATER: wondering why i ordered from they again.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: fries suck. onion rings are rejected by the beagle. they should be anyway. disgusting.

FINAL IMPRESSION: i always swear never to go back and then find myself on the phone with them again ordering the same crap.

iMake iPorn iN iStudio • post/haste

Porn Director's Cut

05/01/2005 - 12/30/2005

Designed for aspiring XXX film-makers, rock stars and heiresses (and actors and, really, just about anybody), this bulging package includes accommodation in an iStudio guestroom outfitted with Apple's top of the line iMac G5 computer, iSight web cam (with iChat), iPod and BOSE Sound Dock.  In addition, the Director's Cut Package comes with a Sony HandyCam Digital Video Camcorder for you to use during your visit. 

Take movies of your action in the hotel (or around NYC, if you're into that).  After you finish filming, come back to the iStudio and use the iMac G5 to edit your film.  By using the iLife software (pre-installed in your G5) including iPhoto, iMovie, iDVD, iTunes and GarageBand, you can make your cock look bigger, cut the scene of you answering your cellphone, and even lay a soundtrack to your movie.

At the end of your stay, use the G5 to burn a DVD of your finished movie to take home, leak to the internet, or even submit to Vivid!

iStudio | Tribeca Grand Hotel

barbes | mister hamburger • post/haste

Barbes - BURGERS AT LUNCH ONLY 36TH BTWN MAD AND 5TH

BURGER NAME: BURGER MAISON, $13 AS PART OF PRIX FIX BRUNCH

FIRST IMPRESSION: , nice looking resto, great friendly service, great brunch deal, really cheap. $13 for two courses and we got free drinks because we are nice people.

APPEARANCE
MEAT:
BUN: served in a baguette which is custom cut for the burger.
PACKAGE:

TASTE:
MEAT: little heavy on the meat side, but was of high quality.
BUN: too small for burger.
PACKAGE: three separate plates with burger, extras, fries and ketchup.

DRIPPYNESS: dripped everywhere.

MEAT TEXTURE : patty too thick

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: patty a little large for bun and couldn't finish the entire thing.

VALUE: should have taken the rest home to eat later seeing as i am ordering another burger for dinner now.

COOKED TO SPECS: did not ask how i wanted meat done.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: excellent service. only place in nyc where they actually give two shits about what the customer thinks with exception of per se.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: lettuce, tomatoes and onions served on side to add yourself. Fries were good. Joanna liked them more than anything ever. cooked Crispy style where they're crunchy. Perfect amount of salt.

FINAL IMPRESSION: just for the great service. the appetizer salad was fucking awesome. blue cheese, some crazy champagne dressing and weird salad thing called endives.

jackson hole | mister hamburger • post/haste

JACKSON HOLE, 521 3RD AVENUE (35TH ST) 212 679 3264

BURGER NAME: Western burger. BBQ sauce, 7 oz. patty, bacon, cheese, fried sloppy onions.

FIRST IMPRESSION: fries, salad stuff, and burger were squashed rudely into a round tin holding thing with a plastic lid to show you how bad they looked squashed. reminded me of when jersey sluts press their tits up against the windows of the bus when they have a field trip in winter.

APPEARANCE:
MEAT: grey look and the edges were not charred.
BUN: soggy as hell on the bottom so it felt weird to hold. top was alright
PACKAGE:

TASTE:
MEAT: tasted like meat. just didn't look like it.
BUN: soggy and could have been toasted.

DRIPPYNESS: only a little drippy, but whole think was soggy so i think all the drops fell out on the way to the apartment.

MEAT TEXTURE :

MEAT COLOR: grey.

SIZE: huge. as big as a beagles head. maybe bigger.

VALUE: could feed a homeless man for about 2 days.

COOKED TO SPECS: did not char the top and bottom, and seems middle was not med rare, medium instead.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: friendly.

ONE HOUR LATER: No feeling of sickness.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: fries were crap. soggy and thick. i hate fat fries. i like the ones like mc donalds or the refried mcdonalds fries at coffee shop.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Am not ordering from there again soon.

introducing mister hamburger • post/haste

Two-twenty is pleased to introduce our new columnist:

We'll let him speak for himself.

SoMad | joanna • post/haste

To: You (and You, too)
From: Joanna
In re: the Daily News story about luxury condos on South Fifth Avenue

If we're gonna give the hood on lower Fifth Avenue a new stupid nickname, let it be Lo-Fi.

Lo-Fi!