two-twenty

db bistro moderne | mister hamburger • post/haste

DB Bistro Moderne, 44th btwn 5th and 6th Avenues, 212.391.2400

BURGER NAME: THE ORIGINAL db BURGER - Sirloin Burger Filled with Braised Short Ribs, Foie Gras and Black Truffles Served on a Parmesan Bun with with Pommes Soufflées or Pommes Frites $29

FIRST IMPRESSION: One of the top five of the most beautiful things Mister Hamburger has ever seen in his whole life.

APPEARANCE: Both in summer and winter DB's hamburger, or fois gras burger as they prefer them to be known look incredible. To the untrained eye the burgers would look rather similar side by side, but to Mister Hamburger, long a fan of the best hamburger joint in the world they are echelons apart.

The difference is in the Truffles.

Obviously, truffles are far more flavorful and resonant during the winter months, when they are in season. During summer the black truffles are very weak in comparison. Mister Hamburger loves both types of truffle of course, and even more so in a hamburger, but DB bistro mostly snubs the summer variety.

Chef Daniel Boulud adds only small amounts of shaved truffle to the summer fois gras burger to "bring out and add to the flavor of the braised short ribs" as a waitress explained. These burgers are twenty nine dollars.

During winter however, Chef Boulud loses his shit.

He adds a seventy five dollar fois gras and truffle burger to the menu. Not to be outdone by other expensive burgers in a city which once boasted a $1000 cocktail, he makes sure DB Bistro has the fanciest of fancy - the jewel in his golden hamburger hat is a $125 fois gras and double truffle burger.

MEAT: top quality and tastes better than some of the American Kobe around town.

BUN: It has cheese melted onto it. How could Mister Hamburger give that anything less than five? Mister Hamburger loves to eat hamburgers, but he also loves to eat cheese.

PACKAGE:

TASTE: Just look at the ingredients. Some commentaters claim that when a burger is this fancy it is no longer a burger, but they are uneducated idiots. A patty with buns on either side is a burger, end of story.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect. Maybe three drips of fat on the plate at the end.

MEAT TEXTURE :

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: not too big, but seems to be compressed because Mister Hamburger felt really goddam full when he finished.

VALUE: It is really really expensive - Mister Hamburger has only had the twenty nine dollar and the seventy five dollar varieties, but it is strongly recommended because it will blow your mind, you'll never look at a hamburger in the same way.

COOKED TO SPECS: I guess it is really hard to cook a burger that has fois gras and braised short ribs inside, and they got damned close to medium rare. Perhaps Mister Hamburger will start asking for rare burgers in order to get medium rare.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Funny, friendly and nice. He would have gotten five hamburgers if he had been ruder to the fucking suit clad monkey show on the next table who pretended to know more than one another about the wine.

ONE HOUR LATER: Incredibly filling. One valentines day Mister Hamburger ventured out with Missus Hamburger-to-be to eat the three most expensive burgers in the city. Mister and Missus-to-be were defeated after DB Bistro. It looks small but the thing packs a punch, and much vodka is required to help break it down.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: See the photo. The fries are empty balloons of deep fried potatoes. If you've ever eaten a salty and lightly greased cloud, then you can imagine how damn good these things are.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Way back when, during the Les Halles review, Mister Hamburger claimed to have understood the complex rules of men not having best friends. Though only now does Mister Hamburger see the problems that have arisen by wanting to have Anthony Bourdain as his best friend. He cannot have Chef Boulud as a best friend too because one of them has to be better than the other. Mister Hamburger has decided he would like an inner circle of friends instead and both Bourdain and Boulud are in it.

the park | mister hamburger • post/haste

The Park, 118 10th Ave, Btwn 17th & 18th St, 212-352-3313

BURGER NAME: Burger with onion rings, Cheese and bacon extra. $10.

FIRST IMPRESSION: The cheese was melted nicely on top of the patty and we had a good seat. We had a good seat because there was a bomb scare right outside minutes before we arrived, and the NYPD had dogs and bomb squad come down and cordon off the whole block. While we went to another nearby place, they found a garbage bag with guitar strings inside, leaving the Park and the neighboring bar completely empty for us.

Apparently it is usually filled with dicks from this part of town and a whole bunch of bridge and tunnel sluts and dickheads, so we got lucky. Outside table in the smoking section and only one table of trash monkeys dressed like they had come from mowing the lawn in Hoboken with their dirty hoe bitches dressed like they had just come from redecorating their trailers.

Said the waitress at the place we had to wait for the bomb squad to clean up "If i was going to bomb a place around here, I'd do the park as well."

APPEARANCE: The bun was split so Mister Hamburger could appreciate the good meat and cheese, and they forgot my bacon so they brought it on a separate little place which was cool. Bacon should always be put on a separate plate, it makes it look so serious and good.

MEAT: Good flavor though not special.

BUN: Fresh bread, covered the entire patty, and a good width. Mister hamburger hates buns that are too thick.

PACKAGE: Good plate of food.

TASTE: The fries were really good, excellent in fact, and the rest of the burger was good too, though like i said, it wasn't really that special.

DRIPPYNESS: Slightly over cooked and dry.

MEAT TEXTURE : The meat was definitely of a good quality and grind, though I think the chef was scared of getting blown into bits of a new hamburger and could not concentrate.

MEAT COLOR: Looked real. Better than lots of places Mister Hamburger eats at.

SIZE: Perhaps slightly too many fries. Mister Hamburger does not like too much food, he likes them small.

VALUE: Average for the food but the atmosphere of the place was very nice. Big open air space and polished wood and cavernous inside.

COOKED TO SPECS: Everything was pretty spot on, but the chef freaked out because of the bomb and couldn't do medium rare. Mister Hamburger very very very rarely gives chefs the benefit of the doubt, but in this case he is prepared to go back and try again. Mister Hamburger thinks that chefs who does not cook to specs should have an eye poked out for each grade he cooks out of the requested doneness. Or have the hamburger stuffed in their ass.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: He tried but was preoccupied. Pussy.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: He was nice and did not complain so much. Just your average metrovague wanna be actor who is happy being paid $5 an hour serving bridge and tunnel trash and Leo for the moment.

ONE HOUR LATER: Good. Vodka helped though.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Damn good fries. Onions, lettuce were all good and heinz ketchup. Mister Hamburger thinks that Mayor Bloomberg should issue an edict that makes it illegal to serve anything but Heinz.. in fact:

FINAL IMPRESSION: Best thing about the place was the environment. Really nice looking place except for the horrible Jersey types.

mcdonalds, 23rd and madison | mister hamburger • post/haste

McDonalds Family Resto, 23rd and Mad.

BURGER NAME: #3 meal - Quarter Pounder with Cheese, fries and a minute maid fake juice.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Had they not had the paper on the tray that had a big picture of golden fries it would have gotten one.

APPEARANCE: The bun was on crooked and I had to rotate it to make it look slightly edible i my photo. The meat was only half on the bun and i couldn't push it back because the cheese had melted it into position.

MEAT: Mister Hamburger used to work there.

BUN: Now, Mister Hamburger is going to tell you a little story about MacDonalds. Once I took acid and went to a dancing party at a large discoteque. After the cops came and shut it down, I went to a party at someone's house where I was pressured into smoking bongs of Pachouchi from a bong that was shaped like a 14 inch penis. It strongly resembled Mister Hamburger's hot beef injector in fact. A little small perhaps. Ask any of the girls at Coffee Shop. That's why they walk funny. It has nothing to do with the 8 inch pumps they wear. Anyway, I started freaking out a little but and took the train directly to work where Mister Hamburger was put onto Hamburger bun cooking duties. Mister Hamburger was pretty fucked up and worked very hard and soon enough the hangover from the acid kicked in and Mister Hamburger was found fast asleep in the rack of cheeseburger buns - the quarter pounder and big mac buns had too much texture for a solid sleep because of the sesame seeds. A manager found Mister Hamburger asleep in the buns and made him keep working which was a bad idea. Dozens of blisters later, Mister Hamburger was sent home. The buns were very comfortable and for many years Mister Hamburger has sought a mattress from Mister Sleepy. Sadly they don't sell them. With exception of the rack of buns I slept in, McDonald's buns have lots of sugar and are cooked very well. To perfection in fact. Mister Hamburger loves McDonalds buns.

PACKAGE: Solid, though I felt like I was being beaten into it by the lesser Hamburger gods towards it. The greater gods were telling me to go to Shake Shack across the street but it was raining.

TASTE: Once, when Mister Hamburger was Master Hamburger, he used to eat at Balwyn McDonalds which was the best one in the world. Once his friends dad, who was a fucking hippy crunchy prick who always complained his meat was grey told me he thought it was actually sawdust. What a dick Master Hamburger thought. Now I know he was right. He is still a dick though and his marriage actually ended badly because he was such a loser.

DRIPPYNESS: Dry.

MEAT TEXTURE : Sawdust.

MEAT COLOR: Cool from the outside, but kinda sketchy if they don't cook it enough which is hard seeing as the grills are timed. I know. I worked there. when the patties come from the freezer, they are hard like a brick and smash if you drop them on the floor.

SIZE: Just too much. Good sizes at Maccas.

VALUE: Cheap as shit. And a good view up Madison.

COOKED TO SPECS: The thing is with Macca's it is all or nothing. Everything in the fucking place is timed. The fries the drinks the burgers even the ketchup portions. If they somehow manage to fuck that up, they get 0 hamburgers.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Exactly the amount of love you get for $6 an hour. Mister Hamburger knows. He worked there.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Typical Macca's fucking bitch, but quick for a change. Once I heard a joke about a guy who had to wait for his meal and the lady said she was sorry about the wait, and he told that bitch "Take a couple of jogs around the block and maybe you'll lose it." Fuck yeah. I mean really, for $6 an hour how can you afford to eat so much your gut hangs below your belt?

ONE HOUR LATER: Designed to be digested easily.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Years and years and millions of dollars in development, how can it be bad.

FINAL IMPRESSION: I mean - it's still Maccas, Mister Hamburger's first love.