two-twenty

but seriously... let's make up phil collins album titles | joanna • post/haste

For no reason that we care to recall or invent, Ash and I spent much of Sunday imagining titles for future Phil Collins albums. It's a fun game; you should try it. Anyway, these are our "best of" (not including "Made of 100% Recycled Material" — which I thought would make for a perfect greatest hits album).

corner bistro | mister hamburger • post/haste

Corner Bistro, 331 W 4th st. (kinda near 8th ave), 212 242 9502

BURGER NAME: Bistro Burger, $6.00

FIRST IMPRESSION: Big colorful looking burger with the lid off. Looked damn good. Simple too, on a paper plate thrown down in front of you by some old fart who has probably been there way too long.

APPEARANCE: The proportions were all excellent to the eye, and the lettuce and tomato were f-f-fresh. There was a lot of bacon, and mister hamburger likes to think he can never have too much bacon.

MEAT: In Mister Hamburgers life, which has involved many many burgers, he has only had two hamburgers previously cooked properly. Medium Rare was really medium rare. Mister Hamburger orders his meat this way because should the meat be of good stock, like those cows in Brooklyn for example, then the meat tastes fucking awesome this way. Overcooked meat is the sign of bad beef. This beef was good beef. Very highly recommended.

BUN: A little thin for the size of the patty, but all round - pun intended, it was good. Fresh bread and lightly toasted.

PACKAGE: Simple and sexy.

TASTE: The meat was very very well prepared, but the taste of it was overbearing. The raw onion, which is a good secret as mister hamburgers friend pointed out, should have been more dominant through the burger, same goes for the lettuce and tomato and bacon and cheese.

DRIPPYNESS: Looking up over Mister Hamburgers $2 lunch beer, Mister Hamburger saw his friend taking his first bite as a flood of juices dripped into his paper plate. That is not good. Too much drippyness for Mister Hamburger, and afterwards a trip to the bathroom was necessary.

MEAT TEXTURE : Great. Really great, in the middle where the meat was rare, it was just warm enough to eat and not cool enough to be tartar.

MEAT COLOR: Beautiful. Bleeding in the middle and Charred on the edges.

SIZE: Very good size, though the patty was a little to big.

VALUE: Damn good. Especially washed down with $2 beers.

COOKED TO SPECS: One of three chefs who can cook medium rare. Mister Hamburger would marry him if he were a sexy lady and Mister Hamburger was not already engaged to a sexy lady.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Happy, underpaid chef. Need more of them in the city.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Bartender and the old weirdo who took the money were both very nice and fast.

ONE HOUR LATER: A tiny bit drowsy because of beers and the afternoon sun.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: No idea about the fries. I heard the pickles are good. The $2 beers were the best.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Would have been a solid four if Mister Hamburger did not have so much grease on his hands afterwards he could have delivered a baby lamb without any astroglide.

hamburger helper | joanna • post/haste

Dear Alex,

Yes, the "about" section on our brainchild is pathetically inaccurate, and yes, I've often neglected said (off) digi-spring.

There is, however, a much more pressing issue that I'm writing to address. It saddens me that I must do so publicly...

Mister Hamburger has sunken his incisors into our realm like a cow-milk-fed Dracule. What's worse: his appetite seems insatiable. I mean, seriously, he went to Brooklyn.

Please, help. Help me help you help us.

With love and respect,
xojhb

schnäck | mister hamburger • post/haste

Schnäck, 122 Union Street, Brooklyn, 718.855.2879

BURGER NAME: Best Deal, Quad burger, swiss cheese, bacon, lettuce tomato. $6

FIRST IMPRESSION: While the bun looked a little shiny when they put it in front of Mister Hamburger as though they had spilt a little oil on it, it looked fucking good. The burger would have had 4 hamburgers, but Mister Hamburger absolutely hates brooklyn and everything to do with it, and this was a long goddamn ride from midtown on the stupid F train. Plus, the fucking waitress took the piss out of Mister Hamburger and Mister Hamburger's friends when we ordered too much beer. Bitch. If you're reading this, bite Mister Hamburger.

APPEARANCE: A small tower of a hamburger, but well proportioned all the same. The colors in the store made it look even better.

MEAT: Great meat, could faintly taste the charred meat that had been cooking on the grill all night which was a highlight, and the flavor was strong enough to permeate the entire package.

BUN: Fresh bread, not toasted at all - a big fuck up. Why doesn't everyone lightly toast their buns? If you don't do it, then the burger is like some yard sale special or a corner food cart job. I mean, a little bit of toasting isn't too much for mister Hamburger to ask is it?

PACKAGE: Looked sexy. Colorful. But I guess they have the hipster money and flair to make it look good out there in Brooklyn. Doesn't matter if it tastes like shit, and is served with attitude, just so long as it looks good. Being that far deep into Brooklyn, Mister Hamburger was surprised they didn't put little baby Ipod buds into the side of the burger or something equally fucking stupid.

TASTE: Everything was very good. Solid three burgers. Mister Hamburger said four hamburgers part of the way though, but he was wrong. Mister Hamburger was, after all, in Brooklyn.

DRIPPYNESS: Good amount of drippyness, though the problem was that the drips did not really amass into one part of the burger like usual and drip onto Mister Hamburgers bib, instead it sort of dispersed all over Mister Hamburger's hands, which Mister Hamburger does not like. Mister Hamburger likes to sip on his balloon of Cognac during his hamburgers without getting grease all over the glass. Thats a lie. He was drinking beer out of little plastic cups. Cool. Brooklyn losers.

MEAT TEXTURE : Good meat, good cows in Brooklyn. The cows there must love listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's all the time and drinking Pabst Blue ribbon.

MEAT COLOR: Pabst gives the cows good color too evidently.

SIZE: Mister Hamburger was achingly hungry, and the burger was a good size to fill his pained stomach. It should be noted however, Mister Hamburger does not want to stomach any more shit from Brooklyn for a while. 12 minutes on the F train Mister Hamburgers fat ass.

VALUE: Six bucks was pretty good for this burger, and the beer was cheap to, though it cost four bucks for Mister and Missus Hamburger to get out there and then another twenty something to get home in a taxicab. That makes it bad value. Oh - and you have to order the fries separately, that sucks.

COOKED TO SPECS: The guy who is featured on this site holding the hello kitty bong was sitting next to Mister Hamburger and he said he was asked how he wanted the burger done. They did not ask Mister Hamburger.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Good chef. He had to work in roughly 120 degree heat in the shitty brooklyn sweathouse. That's dedication. And he was chewing a match. Cool. No ipod buds, even cooler.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: The next cracker living in a reclaimed/gentrified neighborhood of New York City to give me any type of attitude for no reason other than they are so fucking cool because they looove brooklyn or the bronx is going to force Mister Hamburger, who is also a founding member of the two twenty slasher gang, to set his entire gang of switch blade carrying bad asses onto him to cut him a new ass hole.

ONE HOUR LATER: Full.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Would have been three, because they were very good fries, slim and crispy for the most part, but the problem was that we had to order them separately. That's stupid.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Good solid burger. Fuck Brooklyn.