two-twenty

burger king, crab air base (forward operating base warrior), northern iraq | mister hamburger • post/haste

BURGER NAME: Whopper with Cheese meal, $5.25

FIRST IMPRESSION: Kebabs, roast chicken, slop from the mess halls throughout Iraq. A burger is clearly a welcomed treat anywhere on the planet, but in the land of shitty kebabs, and even worse KBR contracted army food, a Burger King was a surprise. Four hamburgers for the sheer fact they were there.

APPEARANCE: It would have gotten two hamburgers, but Mister Hamburger has a little sympathy considering this food has been driven up in armed convoys from Kuwait along some of the most dangerous roads on earth. The bun was a little soggy, almost as though it had been microwaved, but the sauces and the amount of lettuce were pleasing.

MEAT: Well grilled. The guys working in the BK were all south Asian, Mister Hamburger is not sure exactly where from, but wherever it is Mister Hamburger would like to go, because they know how to cook a burger patty. They are 100% better than those idiots in the U.S. Burger Kings.

BUN: Not Iraqi bread, but sadly a little soggy.

PACKAGE:

TASTE: Mister Hamburger loves fast food, especially when it is hard to get. This Burger king is one of two in Iraq, and the one in Baghdad is hard to access because Mister Hamburger does not have a Dept. of Defence card to access the base. Also, it is hard to justify driving down the infamous airport road where there are daily attacks and bombings, for a cheeseburger. Thus, the burger gets a higher than average rating, because Burger King Iraq are a bunch of hard asses.

DRIPPYNESS: Burger King always has good drippyness. It is that strange but good tasting white sauce stuff they use.

MEAT TEXTURE : Good, and good thickness.

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: The south Asians liked Mister Hamburger, and must have given him extra fries, because when Mister Hamburger got back to his tent, he discovered his bag was over flowing with fries.

VALUE: Everything in Iraq is tax free, except stupid Burger King - they make everyone pay full price. Mister Hamburger suspects this is to pay off the families who sacrificed drivers and soldiers who are forced to drive the ingredients from Kuwait. Mister Hamburger is sad for those dead people, though Mister Hamburger wonders if American Soldiers really need Burger King in a combat zone?

COOKED TO SPECS: Pretty good, but missing salt in the fries and the bun could have been better.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Would have been three, but Mister Hamburger suspected use of a Microwave there.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: No attitude, no shit service. Fast turnaround. We need more of these fellows to work in the States, because those shit eating morons at any chain store in the United States really make ordering burgers a nightmare. If you are reading this Macca's and BK employees of America, kill yourself, you rude selfish arrogant fuckers.

ONE HOUR LATER: Not local food.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Canned drinks and the fries were not salted enough.

FINAL IMPRESSION: It is thanks to the U.S. air force that this base has so many little stores like this Burger King, there are at least 6 including a Taco Bell. The air force are known widely to have good food at their bases, and to look after their soldiers, but sadly the air force are a bunch of dicks. On the way to the humvee that was picking up Mister Hamburger, an Air Force police officer stopped the driver, an army guy, and gave him a ticket for stopping in a no parking area. The driver tried to explain that he was just picking up Mister Hamburger, but the air force cop would not have a bar of it. Can you imagine? In a serious and brutal combat zone, some loser stops a car on a military base to give out a ticket for not paying enough attention to road rules? Mister Hamburger thinks that the air force policemen should be given rifles with no ammunition and sent across the wire to have a look at what the soldiers are dealing with off base.

gotvoice will travel • post/haste

Two-twenty's toes are often bloody from tap-dancing on tech's edge, but ditching our trusty landline is one switch-ball-change we're not yet willing to make. Sure VoIP is cool, and everyone we know who has Vonage loves its price and interactive online functions. Nonetheless, we were here on that day and during the black out and... sorry, getting defensive.

Anyway, for those of you who are as equally committed to dedicated wires as you are to mobility, GotVoice might be the coolest thing you've seen in a long time.

A free account lets you access your landline and mobile voicemail from anywhere via the internet. You can check your messages on their website, or have your messages e-mailed as mp3s. Or both.

Enjoy.

mcdonalds in nanning, china | mister hamburger • post/haste

McDonald's, Central Nanning, Southern China
(Mister Hamburger regrets to say the Home Delivery option isn't available, even though Mister Hamburger is in the land of home delivery.)

BURGER NAME: Double Cheeseburger, medium fries, and orange juice. $3.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Noodles, rice, noodles, rice, noodles, rice, noodles, rice, noodles fucking rice. Even if they had served Mister Hamburger a bit of skanky meat between buns, first impression would have been five hamburgers because Mister Hamburger had had enough of going native.

APPEARANCE: Not noodles. Mister Hamburger loves not noodles.

MEAT: Good. Consistent like the McDonalds in New York or in Australia. All the same 1000's of cows in each patty.

BUN: Very fresh, very sweet. Lightly toasted. Wonderful. And not noodles.

PACKAGE: Everything was very fresh and Mister Hamburger has decided that McDonald's in China is better than any McDonald's in America. These Chinese take pride in their burger making skills. Mister Hamburger has mostly respect for the model citizens of communism working at McDonald's.

TASTE: Did Mister Hamburger mention the shock of a hamburger to his tastebuds was well received over the standard noodles and rice?

DRIPPYNESS: Even in China they can't make the Macca's drip.

MEAT TEXTURE : Much better than the fried dog or whatever the fuck Mister Hamburger pointed at to be fried, barbequed, and covered in weirdo sauce the other night.

MEAT COLOR: Was not the pale color of noodles or rice.

SIZE: Same size as every other burger in the world from McDonald's. Very socialist and fair.

VALUE: Cheap as shit. Mister Hamburger has decided not to buy tonnes of cheap Chinese clothes and electronics whilst here and gorge himself on McDonalds because of the bargain basement red spot special prices.

COOKED TO SPECS: Best Macca's ever.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Model communist peoples hero.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Mister Hamburger had the feeling that she was talking about him in front of him like Korean manicurists do in front of Missus Hamburger-to-be.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mister Hamburger wanted more.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Fresh fries. Cold orange juice.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger loved almost everything about the McDonalds, except on the wall there was a sign for their regional dishes which are usually fun. At this McDonalds they had some chicken sandwich thing special to China... like a fucking AVIAN FLU BURGER... and on another poster was an apple pie type of thing, but bright purple. That shit don't fly in Mister Hamburger's book, and all through his eating experience he felt ill looking at the sign, but he couldn't stop looking at it. Mister Hamburger returned to the McDonald's later for a follow up round, and sat away from the weirdo pie poster thing, only to have two young girls sit down on the neighboring table and eat two of the fucking things. Four hamburgers was the order of the day for Chinese Macca's, but it drops, and remains at zero until someone can get those fucking purple things away from your good correspondent.