two-twenty

nick burns on nicks and razor burn • post/haste

Shaving With Five Blades When Maybe Two Will Do | New York Times

kool bloo | joanna, a.k.a the future missus hamburger • post/haste

Last night, in preparation for Mister Hamburger's and my upcoming nuptials, Alex, Liz and Arthur came over for Round One of The Official Wedding Cupcake Tasting. For three hours, I and my crack team of gifted palates sampled an assortment of cupcakes from five different bakeries, meticulously noting our reactions to a multitude of cupcake variables. To inject even more scientific-ness to the experiment, we emulated the wedding-environmental-factor of inebriation by pairing our test subjects with four bottles of champagne.

Just as Mister Hamburger began his weight-loss regime, I too have been trying to shrink down for our wedding.

Consequently, cupcakes and champagne were dinner. And lunch.

Perhaps having consumed enough of sugar in one sitting to spontaneously develop type-two diabetes produced today's intense craving for red meat. Or maybe it was last night's series of Mister Hamburger-like cupcake reviews and continuums. Or maybe it's just that I really miss the hell out of that man and felt like trying on his hamburger hat.

Whatever the reason(s), I caved to my craving, and just ate my first hamburger since — oh man — October. What follows is my first, and likely last, hamburger review.

Stay tuned for the results from Round One of The Official Wedding Cupcake Tasting. I'll post them when the dining room no longer smells like frosting, or the thought of cupcakes doesn't elicit waves of nausea. Whichever comes first.

Kool Bloo, 221 East 23rd Street, 212.679.5665

BURGER NAME: 8 oz Burger with Bacon and Cheddar Cheese, $9.95

FIRST IMPRESSION:
Home delivery really does a number on a burger. It's the steam. Someone really needs to invent a box that keeps things hot but sucks up the moisture. Anyway, the last time I even saw a hamburger in person was in Paris when Mister Hamburger finally answered the call of Quick's "Cheese Fever" ad campaign. That was a weird looking burger, and so was this. Kind of disappointed that it was so flat, not plump like Mister Hamburger's hat.

APPEARANCE:
Flat and steamed looking, but gets an extra hamburger because it was the first hamburger I'd seen in three months that was going to go into my mouth.

MEAT:
Looked good but flat.

BUN:
A little soft from steam, but not mushy. A bit smaller than the burger, which was kind of annoying, but no big deal.

PACKAGE:
Before I took a bite, I was beginning to think that the whole thing wasn't worth it...

TASTE:
Omigoodness. So good. Hamburgers are the greatest things in the world. Yeah, it was a little cold, but didn't matter. Really really good. Really great harmony of all the elements.

DRIPPYNESS:
This is my favorite review category. It has a funny name, and I really don't understand Mister Hamburger's criteria. I mean, in his last review, he referred to Burger King's special sauce as "good drippyness". It was a really juicy burger, but the bun caught anything that would have dripped onto my hand, or more importantly, the ring Mister Hamburger gave me when he asked for my hand.

MEAT TEXTURE :
Excellent. Perfectly medium rare, and just-right density.

MEAT COLOR:
Nice brown outside, and pinkish inside.

SIZE:
I'm not sure if it's because I've been au regime, but this thing was way too big. I cut it in half right out of the box, and half is back in the box right now. Felt really full when I had one bite left but ate it anyway and it was goooood.

VALUE:
If I hadn't been in a cupcake coma I'd have hoofed it over to Les Halles for a $21 Rossini.

COOKED TO SPECS:
Perfectly medium rare. Bravo.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:
I don't think he should have smooshed the burger on the grill (its flattened appearance suggested that's what may have happened), but there was a lot of love in there.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER:
He gave me change from his wallet which always freaks me out but he was nice enough.

ONE HOUR LATER:
A little guilty about breaking my diet, but half a hamburger digesting just fine, and will not turn the future Missus Hamburger into a cow. Believe I might be coming out of cupcake coma, too.

BELLS AND WHISTLES:
The burger came with fries. Though I did not want them, someone with a voice that sounds exactly like mine used my body as a vehicle to tell the person at Kool Bloo that she wanted the curly variety. I later saw that person's hand reach for about four of the fries — the only ones shaped in tight spirals. My psychic sense is that she only likes the tightly spiraled ones and that she thought they were delicious, with a delightfully subtle spicy kick.

FINAL IMPRESSION:
If I had had a hamburger in the last three months, this would maybe be a four-hamburger hamburger. But I haven't. I am giving it five. And, yes, Mister Hamburger, I know that you don't believe that it's even worthy of four and that I don't know what I'm talking and that I should stick to cupcakes. When you hang your hamburger hat up back on its peg at home we can order in from Kool Bloo and tell me all about it.