two-twenty

franks bar and restuarant, vienna | mister hamburger • post/haste

Franks Bar and Restuarant, 1. Laurenzberg 2, Vienna. +41.1.533.7805

BURGER NAME: Cheese Burger with fries (7.40 Euros)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger is in Vienna, where they call the Mayor a "Burgermeister" (the future Missus Hamburger calls him Mayor McCheese), and where they first made hot dogs (Wieners), so Mister Hamburger was looking forward to sampling the local short order fare. Sadly, Mister Hamburger hasn't seen an American made, or in this case, a hamburger inspired by those in the United States, since he left New York City for a year in Europe three months prior. In fact, he has had major problems since arriving in Vienna with access to hamburgers, Bibi, or Pipi or whatever the name of the guy who decided to open an American joint called Franks in Vienna, could have served Mister Hamburger a shit sandwich and he would have gotten at least one hamburger. Mister Hamburger really hates Schnitzel and Mister Hamburger burns his mouth every time on the stupid Wieners.

Mister Hamburger thought the space was nice too, traditional soft Viennese lighting, natural light streaming in through a skylight in the middle of the room and high cavernous red brick ceilings. The interiors earned Franks an extra hamburger.

APPEARANCE: Mister Hamburger knows what he doesn't like and he didn't not like this. The bun and meat looked very well cooked, and the bells and whistles looked delicious. Fries were on a side plate which Mister Hamburger likes in Vienna because sometimes the idiots in Austria serve you a schnitzel with so much fat and grease that when you cut into it the gross goopy crap leaks out all over your plate and makes the fries even soggier than they were before. One day, Mister Hamburger watched in horror as the future Missus Hamburger ordered a schnitzel and proceeded to use the french fries to soak up the excess fat of the Schnitzel. Mister Hamburger made an edict over that lunch that food should never be so greasy that accompanying deep fried potatoes can be used to soak up the fat. A fat sponge as Missus Hamburger calls it.

MEAT: Good quality beef, with good consistency in the grind. Good meaty flavor that Mister Hamburger misses when he goes to Vienna Macca's or BK.

BUN: The only reason the bun gets one hamburger s because Mister Hamburger loves a well toasted bun. The top and bottom outsides of buns should never be toasted, but should be warmed slightly, and the insides should be toasted to a rich brown color but not burnt, or so Mister Hamburger thinks. Franks toasted perfectly, but Franks buns were not up scratch. Surely they were the same buns Mister Hamburger buys himself from Zielpunkt, Spar or Billa the schtupidly named local grocery stores.

PACKAGE: Mister Hamburger enjoyed tasting the wide array of schmuck (Schmuck is German for decoration, you dickhead ("dick" is German for fat, you schmuck)).

TASTE: Solid, good meat flavor through the entire burger, and Mister Hamburger was pleased to see that they did not use too much cheese.

DRIPPYNESS: Excellent.

MEAT TEXTURE: Mister Hamburger enjoys a home ground meat patty, which this most certainly was.

MEAT COLOR: Brown on the outside and pink on the inside. Mister Hamburger loves.

SIZE: Mister Hamburger could not finish he fries, but he was very happy with everything except the size of the bun, which was too big for the patty.

VALUE: Even though it's in Euros, which is not good for Mister Hamburger (1 EUR = 0.782841 USD), it was good for approximately $9.45363.

COOKED TO SPECS: Mister Hamburger asked for medium rare and got something like it. Good.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Mister Hamburger thinks he was an illegal Turkish immigrant, which is a good thing here, because like Mexicans in the United States, Turks can cook damn good meat. Mister Hamburger is very happy that Franks employs "foreigners" who are largely looked down upon in this strange, xenophobic country. Besides, the four Mexicans in Vienna work at Pancho's, a local Mexican joint with good margaritas and an annoying closed Wi-Fi network.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: A lot for an Viennese waitress, who are generally bitches unhappy to serve you and even less happy that you're are bothering them by deigning to order food in their eating establishment. They're really rude in Vienna, especially at... well, anywhere.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: There was some type of Franks special sauce which was a mayo based thing, maybe vinegar or something, Mister Hamburger loved it. Oh yeah, and Mister Hamburger saw that they sell Macca's branded ketchup here at the stupidly named supermarket.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger was very impressed by an all round good dining experience and good service in a town which doesn't really do hamburgers and in a town where people are normally rude pricks. Even though it is kind of near a place Hamburg and the mayor is Mayor McCheese.