two-twenty

smell it and... um... right • post/haste

"Vulva original is not a perfume: it's a beguile va-gyn-al scent which is purely a substance made for your own smelling pleasure."

V U L V A (NSFW if you are American)

Atlas Banana Bernstein-Gilbertson, 12, Beagle Extraordinaire, Dies • post/haste

Atlas, the beloved beagle companion to Joanna and Ashley Gilbertson, died peacefully and with dignity on the evening of Monday, October 15th, at the office of her long-time veterinarian Dr. Spencer Silvers. She had been diagnosed with an inoperable malignant tumor just one month prior.

Atlas was born on May 3th, 1995, in Mystic Maryland. She was the only female in her litter, which consisted of three other beagle puppies. Her given name was so absurdly in contradiction with her character that it can no longer be recalled. She was re-named Atlas at 8 weeks of age when Joanna brought her home.

Atlas spent her formative years in Philadelphia. She was a regular at the dog park on 43rd and Locust Street, and on the University of Pennsylvania's campus. Professor Albert DiBartolomeo once invited her to sit in on his class, "The Art of the Personal Essay". Unfortunately, her presence proved too disruptive to the students, and the invitation was never extended again.

Atlas learned basic obedience commands at Williams Dog Training from Ron and Nora Williams. Her education continued at home. She was initially rewarded for performing well with dog treats. As Atlas progressed from puppy to adult, however, Joanna replaced the treats with ice cubes so as to ensure that Atlas would not become a big fatty like so many other beagles. Atlas' love for ice was life-long, and regardless of being told otherwise, she seemed to believe that any ice within smelling distance belonged to her.

In 1997, Atlas moved with Joanna to New York City. Soon after, Luna, another beagle, moved in with them. Luna and Atlas never quite worked out their pack's hierarchical structure. Luna moved to a lovely home in New Jersey a few years later. Atlas was relieved, as was Joanna.

In 2003, Atlas was asked to be photographed for the book 97 Ways to Make Your Dog Smile. Her portrait was later selected by Newsweek Japan for their July 30th cover (and beat out, among the other 96 dogs featured, a beagle).

The photograph has since found its way on to the North Shore Animal League's rescue site, though someone has photoshopped a party hat onto Atlas' head.



Atlas spent most of 2006 traveling through Europe with Ashley and Joanna. The language barrier was practically non-existant to her: she was able to convince strangers in Italy, Austria and France to give her food, or look cute enough after stealing it that she never got into trouble. Her greatest coups were in Paris, when she managed a bite out of a low-slung baguette, and when she drank water from the fountain outside the Louvre.



Atlas' appetite was notoriously immense. She would eat anything except for spinach stems and cherry tomatoes. She loved cheese, chicken, ice cream, and beer (which she would drain from mostly-empty cans by biting into them). Atlas was full only once, on the morning after one of Joanna's birthdays, when she took advantage of Ashley and Joanna's hangovers to eat an entire batch of double-chocolate cookies, and half a dozen cupcakes. When Joanna awoke, she found the remaining cupcakes on the ground, and Atlas as bloated as a whale at the foot of the bed. Despite her subsequent visit to Dr. Silvers, it was one of Atlas' greatest days.



Atlas will be remembered for her sweetness, stubborn streak, break- and tap-dancing moves, comedy routine, pick-pocketing, ability to tell time, leg-licking, covers-stealing, bone-hiding, and romping. She will be sorely, sorely missed.

A memorial service for Atlas will be held in the near future. In the meantime, have some ice, or a beer, or, really, anything, and follow someone you love around until they scratch you where it feels best. Then give them a kiss.