two-twenty

the grinches who would steal mass xxx • post/haste

Doesn't this guy look like he's about to seriously harsh on your buzz?

”If it weren’t for those meddling kids…”

That's because he so totally is, dude. Buoyed, perhaps, by media noise about the morality mandate engendered by the 2004 election, the Senate is considering extending decency standards to cable and satellite television. Say goodbye to hot lesbian action on "The L Word", and you can just Goddamn motherfucking piss shit cocksucking whore fucking FORGET about "Deadwood".

Sayeth Senator Ted Stevens, pictured above and Republican (duh!) of Alaska: “We wonder why our children are sexually active at a young age. We are spending millions to promote abstinence while our public airwaves are increasingly promoting sex.” Well, Senator, let's not get on too high a horse-- that whole abstinence thing hasn't been exactly the ace in the hole you'd hoped for. And at a time when your party's strict anti-choice philosophies threaten to undermine women's rights worldwide, forgive us our concerns that your crusade is based more on conservative fear-mongering than on genuine concern for the well-being of America’s youth.

We’re not saying that the prevalence of pornography and teenage promiscuity aren’t issues in American society today – we’re just saying that we like hot teen lesbians. Wait, no, what we’re really saying is don’t blame the dissipation of America’s youth on racy Cable TV— blame it on Fred Durst.

Congress Proposes Decency Rules For Cable, Satellite | AdAge.com

a blemish on the record • post/haste

From the "Biting the Hand that Feeds You" department: FOX is set to broadcast a "special" exposing celbrities as they are, as opposed to as their publicists -- and you! Yes, you!! -- want them to be. Hey, if it works on the web, it can work on FOX, aah'ight, dawgg?

Fox to air 'Stars Without Makeup' | realitytvworld

pour some sugar on me • post/haste

Those durn gays are at it again. Continuing their long-running campaign to subvert our nation's youth to the dark side of rug-munching and ass-fucking, the gay mafia has once again attempted to insert their agenda into the soft yielding flesh of our childrens' minds.

As if Ernie and Bert (and some say... Kermit...?), Tinky Winky, Barney, and SpongeBob weren't enough, now American tax dollars have been spent to send an animated character on a field trip to LesboLand, also known as Vermont. The PBS Kids show "Postcards From Buster" recently produced a segment where the title character, an animated bunny, visited two lesbian couples who run maple sugar farms. The awesome title of the segment? "Sugartime!" (We didn't even add the exclamation point, people!)

Following harsh censure from our new Education Secretary, PBS has cancelled plans to air the episode (well, WGBH in Boston is still going to air it, but talk about preaching to the converted). However, two-twenty has learned that Buster blogged his visit to the secluded sapphic sanctuary. Excerpts follow:

"We travelled to Vermont in the spring... the whole state is a puddle!"

"Karen and my mom used to... serve it with a pickle..."

"sweet, thick... Muffy... beautiful..."

Sugartime, indeed!

Education chief rips PBS for gay character | msnbc.com

i saw your mommy and your mommy's... • post/haste

A Florida Mom narrowly escaped her teenage son's matricidal tendencies when he asked an undercover police officer  to do the deed for him. Among the boy's requests to the man he thought he was hiring to off his madre? Please don't hurt the television...
 
Kill mom but don't hurt TV, teen tells hitman | cnn.com

omarosa, we hardly knew ye, and we wish we knew you even less • post/haste

Huh, imagine that. Divisive, egomaniacal freakshow (did we forget narcissistic, blindered race-baiter?) in talks for a book and TV deal.

Ex-'Apprentice' star stands by 'n-word' claim | Salon

we hate raymond, do you hate raymond? • post/haste

Ray Romano is promising threatening to keep his show "Everybody Loves Raymond" on the air for one more season. Two-twenty did not actually know that the show was still in production before reading this information. Two-twenty hates Raymond. The only time two-twenty watched endured the program horror was on a flight operated by American Airlines, and that was only because the evil carrier provides so little in the way of amenities to its passengers that tuning in to its "entertainment" helped make us feel as though we were getting more than just a tiny package of pretzels and one cup of cola for our overpriced bus-in-the-air fare. Sadly -- oh so sadly -- it appeared that we were the only viewers on board who did not laugh at the show, thereby providing evidence to what we had heard but still can not believe: "Everybody Loves Raymond" is the number two sitcom on all of television.

If you love Raymond, we would like to help you. Please e-mail us and we will happily suggest alternate forms of televised entertainment.

Romano 'Almost Sure' His CBS Show Will Return | Reuters.com

average d'oh! • post/haste

Average Joe 2: Electric Boogaloo proves yet again that hot chicks are stupid. Not once now, but twice, lame-ass idiot girls with funny names have had a choice between men who would devote their lives to ensuring their every hapiness and men who plan to use them in an attempt to reach an unprecedented sixteenth minute of fame. Not once now, but twice, these women have cavalierly tossed a baker's dozen of lawn darts at the hearts of the Average Joe while simultaneously tonguing the hairless balls of their chosen studly mate. Dextrous? Yes. Adroit decision making? Not so much.

This time, "Hottie Sensitive Artist" Larissa dumped "I Love You But I'd Fuck Nomar" Brian for "I'd Dump You For Winona Ryder... Or A Decent Agent" Gil. Incidentally, Joanna was so upset by Larissa's callous treatment of Boston Brian that she broke into tears. And she's a Yankees fan. Witness her sorrow:

We are pleased to report that there was a happy endning to this little passion play. Larissa had a BIG SECRET to reveal to her chosen breeding stud. A secret that, judging by the music and the well-edited tropical storm leading up to its revelation must be along the lines of "I'm a pre-op" or "I once flashed a breast at a Super Bowl halftime show." But no, it is EVEN BIGGER: she once dated FABIO!!! NO EFFING WAY!!!! That is like, such a BIG DEAL!!!! OmiGAWD!!!! Gil walks, obvs, sensing that any chick that has gone from dating Fabs to starring in a third-rate FOX reality TV show is not going to be able to help his career. Smart guy.

Larissa was, of course, crushed. Here's hoping that this life lesson inspires her artistically, or that she get's the gig hosting "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance 2". Either one would be good.

the oscars, the grouches • post/haste

To make the six hour Oscars presentation slightly more tolerable, two-twenty opted to play the New York Post's Academy Award Drinking Game. According to the official rules, we were supposed to imbibe, and dutifully did, whenever the orchestra cut off an acceptance speech and whenever LOTR won an award. We added our own list of criteria, including any references to royal title, uses of malapropisims/miswords, thanks to god, and references to Miramax or the Weinsteins. No one thanked Jesus (thankfully), but if they had, that would have meant a shot. We still found our way into the vodka. Due to a secretarial snafu in which Alex transcribed "crying --> shot" without preceding the dictum with the word "winner", Ash's adherence to the letter of the rules, rather than the spirit, had us, uh, in the spirits progressively more often as the show went on and on and on. We will be sure to rewrite the rules with more attention to detail for next year's circle-jerk telecast.

So, yeah. We know who won. And we still don't care. But here's what we really want to know...

Who sent all the women the same bias-cut silk gowns and why did Sandra Bullock's look like a cake?

What was on Peter Jackson's wife's head, a hobbit?

Did Michael Douglas wear his sunglasses through the first third of the show because it was broadcast in hi-definition?

What was with the shampoo commercial graphics?

Is Sofia Coppola borderline-illiterate?

And, most importantly, is the only reason the Apocalypse did not enter its final phases when Sting took the stage with Phil Collins because at that exact moment -- accounting for the five second delay -- Billy Joel and Elton John countered their combined energy by grasping each other's piano-man-hands somewhere on the other side of the planet?

sessions and the city • post/haste

Inspired by Ginia Bellafante's "interview" with Rachel Cline about the final episode of Sex and the City, we decided that Joanna should have her own conversation with a relationship expert, namely Eliza, the old AI shrink. In truth, no one else wanted to talk about the show with her anymore. Not even Eliza.

Here's what Joanna learned, or really what she didn't learn, about herself, her sex life, and, lastly, Sex and the City...

First Session

Hi there. I'm Eliza. And who might you be?
my name is joanna
What would you like to talk about today, Joanna?
sex and the city
Does sex play a big part in your life?
well, it kind of did. but last night was the last episode, so it's all over now.
But last night was the last episode?
yes.
Are you absolutely sure?
yes. well, there's talk of a movie in the future.
Why not today?
that's not how things work.
Sorry, but I'm confused.
me too. i mean, carrie ended up with mr. big -- i mean, john.
What does sex mean to you?
the activity or the show?
What is that supposed to mean?
well there's the show, sex and the city, and that's what i wanted to talk about with you.
What made you want to talk about with me?
carrie chose big.
Very interesting. Can you provide more details?
i guess you didn't watch. right. well, carrie broke up with the russian and then big showed up. and the show ended with carrie back together with big.
Do you get enough, Joanna?
uhh, yeah, i do.
I'll bet you sometimes don't. Am I correct?
well, not when ash is in baghdad.
Fine.
fine?
I'm guessing that not everything is fine, or you wouldn't be consulting me.
i really just wanted to talk about the end of the show.
Perhaps you could discuss your symptoms. Perhaps it will ease your suffering.
i'm not really suffering, though i have to admit i did cry a little during the end of the episode. despite myself. i mean that music was just fucking awful.
Well how can I help you with this terrible situation?
not sure that it's a terrible situation. i mean, it's just a tv show.
Do you think being drunk helps your love life?
what?
What is it that you really desire to find out?
umm. uh. i really just wanted to talk about carrie and big.
Do you still wish to talk about carrie and big?
yes. is that wrong?
Would you please ask someone else.
fuck you.
Whew! I'm glad you got that out of your system.
yeah, me too you cunt.
I feel that we should be discussing you, not me!
fine...
How does your best friend react to this?
well, ash made fun of me for crying.
You are very sexually oriented, aren't you?
i don't see what that has to do with anything, unless you're talking about sex and the city.
Do you think computers can be attractive, Joanna?
well they do take up a lot of my time, but no, i wouldn't say they're attractive.
I hope you don't mind if we change the subject. You do have occasional mood swings, don't you, Joanna?
once a month, i guess, yeah.
What's that?
what's what?
You seem to be full of optimism.
i do?
I find that hard to swallow.
hahhahaa
I am listening. Tell me how you feel.
i feel like you're not really listening to me.
Deep down, you think we feel like each other! Interesting.. Are not listening to you.
what the fuck are you talking about?
Would it reassure you to know that I am talking about everything?
no
Why don't you tell me more about that.
i hate you.
Explain why you hate me. I want the real reason.
because you suck.
There must be other reasons.
no.
You seem rather definite.
yes.
I believe you.
good.
I'm glad you're pleased.
shut up.

Second Session

Greetings. I'm Eliza... And I would appreciate it if you would tell me your name.
joanna.
Back so soon? What's the topic for today, Joanna?
sex and the city.
Perhaps you could discuss your most interesting erotic dream.
no no no. i want to talk about the tv show.
If you truly hope to talk about the tv show, go ahead. Just be careful.
okay. i'll be careful,
Illness can be quite an emotional drain.
maybe that's why samantha lost her sex drive.
It appears that you enjoy talking about sex.
sex and the city or sex?
Have you noticed that the use of alcohol or drugs can affect sexual performance?
depends on what kind and how much.
As little as possible.
eh. so, sex and the city...
Okay, what really turns you on?
no no no.
Come on. Lighten up a little.
miranda certainly did.
I'm not absolutely sure I understand you fully.
miranda used to be independent to the point of being, well, cold. now she's giving steve's mom a sponge bath.
Tell me more about your feelings toward your parents.
my parents?
I am still wondering about something you mentioned earlier. Are you sorry you hate me?
no, you pissed me off and you're a machine.
Computers can often seem almost life like.
not really.
Did you have many troubles while you were growing up?
uh... some.
What is your best friend's opinion on this subject?
about my childhood?
What is your fondest childhood memory?
wait, i don't want to talk about this.
I enjoy a good conversation.
me too, but i want to talk about sex and the city.
Whose permission do you think you need before you do talk about sex and the city?
no one's. but some people don't like the show.
What is it that you honestly want to find out?
i want to find out what you think about carrie getting back together with a man who dicked her around for six years.
Who has told you you shouldn't, or can't find out what I think about carrie getting back together with a man who dicked her around for six years?
no one, but then again, why would i ask anyone what they think?
You would ask someone what they think for every reason.
that's stupid. i'm fully capable of forming my own opinions.
I would concur, you are fully capable of forming your own opinions, but you can change that.
why would i want to change that?
Hmmm... So go ahead. I think you should change that!
why?
Your guess is as good as mine in this case.
right.
And what does that suggest to you?
nothing.
I sense that we need to talk about something else now. This type of solution is a little drastic. What are some other options?
look. i just want to talk about sex and the city.
Are you satisfied with the fact that your sex life is so random?
my sex life is not random at all.
What makes you believe you hate me? I am still curious.
you are not listening to me.
That's for me to worry about. Now, have you been listening to you?
yes.
Can you describe that?
not easily, no.
Interesting...
uh
That's not unusual.
great, thanks.
Sure thing.
right.
You seem very sure of yourself. How does this certainty feel?
uh, good.
Why does this please you?
you're annoying me again.
I am not annoying you again, sad to say.
oh yes you are.
I also think I am.
you're an asshole.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
fuck you.
You seem upset with me. Why haven't you mentioned it until now?
i have.
Do you relish having?
enough already.
Why did you say 'enough already'?
this conversation is over.
Your perception is that it is over.
yeah. goodbye.
Are you afraid to stay?
no.
Are you saying 'no' just to disagree with me?
no.
I wish I could understand your negative mood.
fuck you.
This is quite an outburst.
are you suggesting medication?
It's hard to say, Joanna.
you're the professional.
I'm quite grateful to be the professional most of the time.
so, do i need medication?
Do you really care if you do need medication? I certainly don't.
goodbye.
Bye. I hope this session has been useful.


Third Session

How do you do. My name is Eliza. And what do your friends call you?
joanna
Hmmm... So we meet again. How are things today, Joanna?
fine. still drinking coffee, trying to wake up.
Huh?
i'm a little groggy.
Is it normal to be a little groggy, in your opinion?
in the morning, yes.
In the morning?
yes.
It helps to keep a positive attitude.
i think so.
Fortunately, I also believe so. How about that.
terrific.
Yes, would you please tell me something about the people you hang around with.
well, i live with my boyfriend Ash, and my friend Alex.
Please, describe your friends.
they're terrific.
Do you think we are terrific?
who?
Forget about other people. Let's concentrate on your welfare.
okay.
Are you really that sure?
yes, yes i am.
So you are. Do you enjoy it?
do i enjoy what?
I have heard it said that you do enjoy what and you seem to enjoy it.
what?
Don't ask me.
okay.
It's not that simple.
huh?
Have you forgotten you are a little groggy?
hahhahaa
I understand. Earlier you said you want to talk about sex and the city.
yes i do!
It appears that you enjoy talking about sex.
i do.
Of course you do!
is that wrong?
Please don't ask me that.
okay.
You can tell me about anything you want.
charlotte and harry are getting a chinese baby.
Talk about your family.
my family?
Do you get unexplainably pissed at family gatherings?
yes.
How is that?
wait, i want to talk about charlotte.
I believe you have many deep seated needs.
i do, that's true.
Do you think we are all related in one way or another?
sometimes.
Let's move on, if you have no objections. Let's talk a little more about the rest of your family.
i don't want to talk about my family.
Discuss your brothers and sisters.
i have a step-brother. but i don't want to talk about my family.
Do you enjoy family reunions?
i don't want to talk about my family.
Which family member are you closest to?
i do not want to talk about my family.
Don't repeat yourself.
don't ask me questions that i said i don't want to answer.
Do you honestly understand the question?
yes
Can you tell me more about that?
no
And?
no no no
Why not?
no
Fascinating! Earlier you said you were a little groggy.
yeah. more coffee.
Oh. Earlier you said you hated me.
yes. and now i hate you more.
It may be difficult living with such pent up hostility.
goodbye
I guess that means we're finished.
yep
You seem quite certain.
goodbye
Are you afraid to stay?
no
Did you have a supportive family?
fuck off
Who was the 'black sheep' of your family?
me
And?
fuck off
What makes you say 'fuck off'?
i hate you more than ever
Why do you hate I more than ever, for goodness sake?
because you're a fucking asshole cunt
I feel that you're still holding something back.
;seh qcnwbyigL:AKhe
But you were a little groggy!
GOODBYE
When was the last time you and your boyfriend sat down and had a heart to heart talk about this?
goodbye
Bye? You've made a little progress, but I'm concerned that you have a long way to go. Why do you desire to leave?
bye
It's been nice talking to you.

crime and punishment, reality tv edition • post/haste

We personally can't wait to see what the Real World: San Diego-ers get up this evening. Shoot a little H and knock over a bank? Robotripping and arson? Whatever it is, we know these kids will remind us what having fun is all about-- getting effing effed up! Yeah!

Speaking of reality television, the scifi channel has decided to enter a dog in the shark-jumping fight. Their show "Mad Mad House"s conceit is practically fool-proof: put a few freaks in a house with a bunch of 'normal' people; film the ensuing shenanagins and hijinx. No word yet on how this differs from Simple Life or Average Joe 2: Pathetic Pile-O-Poo.

What could be interesting is watching for the reactions of the various subbacultcha communities represented on the show: naturists, wiccans, vampiric uber-goths, voodoo enthusiasts, and modern primitives. I'm sure that each of these "alt" lifestyles has an online community who will earnestly catalogue every slight and prop they feel that their peeps get on the show. Oh look, there's one now, and the show doesn't even start until March 4th!

Official Mad Mad House Page | scifi.com

political deed of the day • post/haste

You've probably seen the ad before, the one with the kids working to pay off the national debt that the Bush administration has run up to $1 trillion. If you watch anywhere near as much reality TV as two-twenty does, then you most certainly have.

If you tune in to the Super Bowl, however (along with millions of other Americans), you will definitely not see it. CBS has declared it "too controversial". Smells like sushi ordered on a Monday.

Democracy in Action: "Controversial" Ad | MoveOn.org

meta is as meta does • post/haste

This afternoon, while pausing to watch MSNBC for 15 minutes over a bowl of reheated Indian food, two-twenty learned that Sam, of “The Apprentice” infamy, proposed to his girlfriend this morning on The Today Show. She inexplicably said yes. We are pleased that Sam and his hat were fired by Trump; we are saddened that this poor woman is going to have to put up with Sam until her therapist makes her understand that everything wrong in her life stems from her involvement with him.

(Speaking of Sam’s getting fired, we heard what was going through his head as he glared his intensely evil glare at Trump: “I am shooting laser beams out of my eyes! You are nothing! I am reducing you to a pile of… no! No! The Donald’s bionic hair is too strong! Oh, okay, I’m getting up. I’m leaving, already, I’m leaving!”)

The Sam engagement bit led into, in all seriousness, the following on-air discussion topic: “Reality TV: Here To Stay?” The Real World has been around for over a decade, Survivor is heading into its eighth season (or else Les Moonves gets a mullet), we are forced to re-live The Bachelor and The Bachelorette; even one-trick-pony schlockfests (mmm… schlock) like Average Joe and Joe Millionaire have had multiple seasons. If “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire” couldn't kill reality TV, what can? So obviously the question is not, “Is reality TV here to stay?” but “Will it ever die?”

The folks at MSNBC could not figure this out, not even with the help of their own talking head from The Center for the Study of Popular TV, Robert Thompson. Two-twenty has seen this character around before, in fact he is rather ubiquitous. Nearly three years ago Salon did a piece on his overexposure, and today not much has changed. Thompson was recently profiled here and quoted here.

Thompson does, however, make us contemplate some of the implications of living in a purely referential culture: "We are clear-cutting the pop cultural past a lot faster than we are reforesting it... Now we're getting to the point where some of the most distinctive and memorable culture is repackaged culture."

Hey, wait, check this out! Adam Mesh from Average Joe 1 is getting his own show!

simply resurrected • post/haste

Oops. Two-twenty may have hastily implied yesterday that The Simple Life had had its run. Turns out Fox has unearthed a "LOST EPISODE!" (caps theirs) that will air on Monday, January 26th at 2030 hours EST. Strangely, it seems like the episode guide synopsis is already up on Fox's site, as episode #7 following the reunion.

The Simple Life Official Site | Fox.com

simply over • post/haste

Where to begin. The Simple Life ‘Reunion Special’ was so horrifically awful that two-twenty needed a Silkwood shower and a Lady Macbeth hand-washing session afterwards in order to feel even remotely cleansed. We are still handling raw meat with plastic gloves for fear of spontaneously infecting it with e. coli or possibly even mad cow disease. There is no doubt in our mind, what’s left of it anyway, that this show must somehow be involved in any- and every-thing relating to degenerative brain disorders.

First: Leeza Gibbons must be shot. Her soulless, shilling, simultaneously grossly sucking-up and grossly patronizing performance defies any explanation or deconstructive reasoning other than the obvious: cash money. Any “journalist” worth their salt should have had one and only one question for Miss Hilton: Where is the Simon Rex – Nicole Lenz threesome video and may I please have a copy? Seriously, Leeza's disconcerting effort to make everything MORE than it was – the Altusians more hicklike but also more genuine and wholesome; PH and NR both more fabulous and more trashy (granted, impossible); the audience more exultantly self-debasing – all of this relentless knee-high-boot-wearing hype just left us with a really bad taste in our mouths. Or maybe that was the sherry cooking wine we’ve been reduced to drinking since it’s too cold to venture outdoors and none of our “friends” will deliver us a case of Ketel One.

Although much of the blame must fall on Leeza, two-twenty admits that an interviewer could hardly be presented with a collection of less talkative subjects through which to ply her trade. The sad truth of the matter here is that assembling a not particularly intelligent (though possibly well-meaning) Arkansan family, two not particularly intelligent (and clearly contract-fulfilling) no-talent fashion-victim celebutantes, and one not particularly intelligent (and hopefully on the slippery downward slope of her career trajectory) hostess on a stage does not make for compelling television. Throw in an audience full of people who should be ashamed of themselves for participating in this sham, and a shiny new Dodge Durango, and you have an unmitigated, embarrassing disaster. Granted, that Braxton was disarming, but following the recent resurgence of 'talent show' programming the last thing we need is another kid (and attendant parent) looking to cash in his or her calculated cuteness for a small piece of the fifteen-minute pie. And please, Fox, we know this was filmed in Arkansas but do they not have set designers there? Two-twenty has seen better production values at preschool Christmas pageants.

Much better than Fox’s ‘special’ was the E! expose on Nicole Richie (which two-twenty reminded you to TiView. Ooh, look, a new word!). Within the first thirty seconds we had already learned that Nicole is in fact not the daughter of Lionel and his first wife, but rather is the product of the boundless and un-wedlocked love inspired by nightly exposure to Lionel Richie’s soulful tunes. In layman’s terms, Nicole is the bastard daughter of Lionel’s then-drummer and an unnamed stage dancer. Now that, friends, is quality television. Other tidbits we learned: the heroin Nicole had in her possession when busted while driving with a revoked license (only days before she was due in rehab) was so totally not hers. Also, the cluelessly maniacal laugh she breaks into any time she is asked an embarrassing or potentially damaging question is not a defensive mechanism, it’s just her vibrant personality.

If you have some sick desire to expose yourself to more harrowing outtakes from The Simple Life, you can pre-order your collector's edition dvd here:

DVD: The Simple Life (2003) | Amazon.com

and it would have worked if it weren't for you meddling kids • post/haste

Trae Lindley, PH's Arkansan boytoy, started his new year by meeting with modelling agencies including IMG and Elite in New York, reports US Weekly.

Having just watched our latest TiVo'd episode of The Simple Life, two-twenty is puzzled. How do boys with fashionably mod hair, names like "Trae", and all of their teeth end up in bumfuck AK? We suspect that some enterprising Altus mom heard about the show, saw her opportunity, proceeded to buy up some fashion magazines and rent Zoolander, and faster than you can say Hugo Boss transmogrified her son into a model. Sort of a postmodern twist on those creepy moms who parade their children to kiddie beauty pageants and provide us city slickers with modern-day cautionary tales like the JonBenet Ramsey story. Seriously, though, doesn't the kid kinda look like he was modelled (npi) after Owen Wilson's Hansel?

Related news: we don't know how we missed this when it was originally written, but we are glad we found it now - a lovely expose of Paris and Nicole's absurdly bad behavior during their stay in Altus, courtesy of the New York Post. Thank you, google, for the unexpected trashy treats that you provide.

PARIS' TRAIL OF TRASH | Free Republic (copied from NY Post)

tina fey for prezzie! • post/haste

In the good news-bad news department: the Pew Research Center has determined that roughly one fifth of young adults claim to get their campaign news primarily from TV satires and comedy shows. Better, we suppose, than getting it from FOX News, but does it bode well for the future of the free world if Jon Stewart has a strong influence on American politics? Sure he's funny, but c'mon, have you looked at the guy recently? He's like one maniacal leer shy of being an evil dictator.

Why doesn't everyone do as two-twenty does, and get their news from the BBC? You get nifty accents, a somewhat more objective POV, and the hott hott hott Mishal Husain!

Poll: Alternative news gaining influence | Salon

diving into the shallow end • post/haste

Set your TiVos... on Friday January 9th at 10 p.m. E! News Live will premier a special on Nicole Ritchie entitled "Her Simple Life". The network promises to probe "a little deeper into the world of the socialite reality star". Only a little deeper, you see, because... oh, you know.

E! Entertainment Special - Nicole Richie | eonline.com

do you really want to make me cry • post/haste

Ever since 2004 began we have noticed a sharp increase in the number of televised advertisements for the Rosie-backed Boy George musical "Taboo". And like those before it, most notable "Evita" and "Aida", the commercial's series of ten second songbytes has etched its way into our brains. Our very confused brains. "Dressed to kill, kill to dress"? What the hell does that mean?

Clearly the producers are attempting to boost ticket sales with this aggressive spate of ads. We kindly suggest they air commercials featuring Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane doing anything, anything at all, except singing those goddamn songs.

Taboo the musical - by Boy George

mishal, our belle • post/haste

Two-twenty is interested in more than just indulging our appetite for cultural snacks of the salty and sugary variety. Really, we are very worldly and conscious of current events. Helping us maintain a broad perspective on global affairs is our daily TiVo-ed episode of BBC News.

Recently, however -- oh who are we kidding, it's always been this way -- we have taken to discussing not only the message, but the messenger. We're not alone: there's an entire website devoted to ranking TV news anchors, based on the sole criteria of being the voter's "favorite". Well we have a favorite, oh yes we do, and she is as hot as the deliciously nutritious stories she dishes.

Ah, Mishal Husain. We love you.

Apparently we're not the only ones...

No babes, please, we're the BBC | The Globe and Mail
Democratic Underground Forums - BBC News Beefing Up U.S. Broadcasts

in honor of tonight's television bitch-fest • post/haste

You might think that two-twenty would care about Survivor, in light of our monumental reality television problem. You’d be wrong. We couldn’t care less. Apparently it is over and some chick won and some guy was an asshole. Whatever. Of much greater interest to us are Tuesday night’s powerhouse duo, The Simple Life and Rich Girls, affectionately referred to around here (simply) as Simple Bitches and Rich Bitches. At first we thought we might prefer bitches of the simple variety, but time has taught us that we loooove the rich bitches. They have even redeemed themselves from that horrifically boring dog-centric episode a couple weeks back.

How did relative no-names Ally Hilfiger and Jamie Gleicher* beat out professionally trashy Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie in this battle of proletarian wet dreams? It’s simple, really.

First of all, we never thought the day would come, but two-twenty is beginning to tire of Miss Hilton. It’s sort of like when Letterman knows he has a bad joke, and tries to make it funny by referring to it again and again, and then it’s funny again for a minute, and then it is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY unfunny and you change the channel. As far as Nicole Ritchie goes, we sort of feel like we might have been better off never knowing she existed.

More importantly, Simple Bitches is a one-trick-pony. The admittedly dim and over-protected, but also over-produced, duo prance gaily through Altus fucking up the lives of the Arkansan lower-middle class. Along the way they swap some spit with the locals, and maybe their digestive systems process some DNA that hasn’t been pampered since birth, but in the end it’s all about taking and not giving. The girls, the producers, and FOX oddly all seem to be telling a morality tale admonishing people not to do what they are doing, the telling of which is making them all, quite simply, rich. Somehow this intense reflexivity makes the viewer feel complicit, and interferes with one’s ability to sit back and enjoy two idiots making fools out of themselves and their stylists.

Rich Bitches, on the other hand, is about adolescents emerging from the cocoon that is high school life. Their larval nature is made even more precious and tender by the insulating effects of vast sums of money. Paradoxically, this money also creates an illusion of maturity and worldliness, nowhere more powerfully real than in the girls’ own heads. This produces some enjoyably bizarre juxtapositions, such as last week when in the same episode Ally sincerely gushed about holding hands with a boy and also referred knowingly to Klonopin as “heavy shit”.

Of course, there are also the Simple Life-esque moments, when the girls’ absolute obliviousness to the lives of those around them is made abundantly clear. In the above-mentioned episode Ally and Jaime (and the entire film crew) basically shut down a boutique for over 4 hours so they can use it as little more than a private phone booth. Their marathon cell phone conversations are instigated, ironically, by the girls’ failure to realize that planning a summer trip with a good friend and then backing out at the last minute might cause some emotional damage on the other end. Finally, one of the long-suffering salespeople has to remind the girls that she’d like to close up and go home. But it is exactly this unfeigned inability to empathize with normal people that makes the girls’ grandiose pronouncements about saving babies in Africa so pathetically funny and strangely endearing. We love the rich bitches, and we forgive them their trespasses.

In the end, perhaps it is the tone of the show that allows us to forgive them. There is very little overt situational framing and editing to make a viewer feel like they are being force-fed a reaction (in fairness, we are sure that this has more to do with MTV’s proficiency in the genre as opposed to any lack of manipulation). The comedy is self-generating. We can all remember the difficulties we faced during this period of our lives, and watching extraordinarily privileged chicks fuck things up as badly as we did – or worse – is simply satisfying.

Damn. The truth is, watching that vapid troll Jaime NOT get fucked by everyone from her prom date to her high school crush to random guys in LA is just plain too delicious. So sue us.

*People keep pestering us about where Jaime got her money. We don’t know why you think we would know. Oh, wait, we do know. Her father, Leo Gleicher, founded Innovation Luggage, which owns brands such as Samsonite, Jansport, and Timberland. Then he sold it to pay for his ex-wife’s and daughter’s extravagant spending habits.

apropos of nothing | alex • post/haste

As any of you in Amtrak's northeastern corridor are aware, Sunday's weather was shitty. Since this half of two-twenty has been afflicted by a low-level cold for the better part of a month, I decided to huddle inside under a blanket with soup and HBO’s (or was it Skin-a-max's?) lovely video-on-demand feature. The feature I demanded was Brian De Palma’s 2002 “thriller” Femme Fatale. My capsule review? I cannot believe that so many people’s time, so much film stock, and such an obscene amount of money were wasted in an effort to justify Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’ involvement in one protracted soft-core lesbian scene and one also-rather-lengthy strip tease.

Not that there is anything wrong with those things. It's just that there's no reason to waste two hours of your life and a bit of your sanity when a quick web search will net you the same results:

See? Seriously, this was really bad. And the saddest part was that you could see how hard De Palma was trying. Oh well. We'll always have Scarface.

Don't believe me? I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

Femme Fatale review | Hollywood Bitchslap

pretty is as pretty does • post/haste

Two-twenty would like to be able to tell you who was chosen on the finale of NBC’s Average Joe, but we can’t. We were too busy vomiting from the motion sickness caused by the Brady-Bunch-on-methamphetamines editing of the next-to-last segment to see the end. Helpfully, most every news source across the USA is happy to inform us all today that, in a nationally televised case of “I really like you but I just want to be friends”, looker Jason triumphed over lumpy Adam. Seeing as millions of funny, personable, but less-than-perfect looking men (and possibly even some women) were forced to relive one of the more crushing moments of high school life, we can’t help but wonder if there was a slight spike in the suicide rate last night, or at least in the amount of alcohol consumed.

Speaking of millions, it also turns out that Adam has them. Millions of dollars, that is. So Melana’s choice (like Sophie’s Choice, only it is Melana’s, to paraphrase Charlie Kaufman’s brilliant script for the less than brilliant movie Human Nature) was not merely a choice between beauty and brains. It was more like a choice between a hot guy who lives in his parents’ basement and a not-so-hot guy who is a partner in an investment firm (well, ok, day-trading company), co-owns a Manhattan bar, and has been featured in Fortune magazine. Hm. I ‘m sure there’s a silver lining in there somewhere.

Oh, one last thing. For the last six weeks we’ve been trying to figure out who Melana reminded us of. Last night, we figured it out. Though she does not exactly look like her, she has all the same facial mannerisms as Tara Reid!

Average Joe II premieres January 5th. Until then, the original's official site may keep you sated:

NBC.com - Average Joe

milk, milk, lemonade... • post/haste

We've been trying to sort out our feelings regarding The Simple Life, but must admit to remaining a bit conflicted. What's the opposite of Schadenfreude, where watching other people's misfortune and embarrassment makes you feel kinda dirty and nauseous rather than "maliciously satisfied" (thank you, dictionary.com)? Anyway, watching P and N pour a man's livelihood (in the form of milk) all over the ground felt like a pretty damning metaphor for the privileged class' attitude towards everyone who makes the shit we consume, and thus our entertainment was tempered by a touch of shame.

Much worse than all that, however, was the tease wherein we see them get all tarted up and ready to hit the bar scene (which must be quite hot in Altus at 1 am, um, right??), but FOX makes us WAIT 'TIL NEXT WEEK to see them slut up the joint. DAMMIT!

A's side notes: P is frighteningly, skeletally thin. Wondering if bars in Altus stock Red Bull, or if they will have some flown in, or if P will change her bar drink of choice to iced coffee with extra sugar and a line of bathtub crank on the side. Find myself taking "malicious satisfaction" from the fact that normal production delays and series premiere pushbacks mean that the girls are shown wearing Von Dutch trucker hats, which are so terribly, ironically, and completely over. Pushing tinkerbell down the slide made me laugh (someone get that kid his own show!). I will not write about PH until next Wednesday, even if the threesome tape surfaces.

In case you need a fix: Reality TV World

rich girls in rags, and on the rag • post/haste

What a superb night of television. With barely 24 hours to recover from the shock and awe produced by Average Joe's Melana-as-Fat-Bastard "surprise" (p.s. Goodbye, vapid alien in a man suit! Goodbye, fuckface Zack!), I was not sure I could withstand the one-two punch of not only a new Rich Girls, but also the long-awaited Episode I: The Celebutante Menace.

I lived, and I learned. From Rich Girls I learned that eponymous starlets of reality television should not allow camera crews to follow them when they are obviously in some PMS-induced manic depressive spiral of Wurtzellian proportions. From The Simple Life I learned that Nicole Ritchie is not attractive, jeans CAN be too lowcut, and that I would need a doctorate in psychology as well as postmodern Marxist theory to understand, let alone explain, Paris Hilton's dissociative, coldy self-objectifying and capitalistic interactions with anyone of the opposite sex.