two-twenty

Burger At Its Best • post/haste

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger, recently of out retirement for a limited time only (he'll quit again after reviewing local take out joints which he uses to order in the future), just called Burger at its Best. The man who answered and took Mister Hamburger's order was weird, but in a funny way. When Mister Hamburger told him the delivery address, the man didn't understand so Mister Hamburger had to say "PENTHOUSE, like the magzine." The man still did not understand so Mister Hamburger said "PENTHOUSE, like the porno mens magazine." And then the man knew what Mister Hamburger was talking about. The man didn't know if he could deliver Hamburgers to Casa del Mister and Missus Hamburger, and when asked to clarify, said "We'll try." And then he laughed. Mister Hamburger thought he was funny. He liked it.

66 Madison Ave (btwn. 27th and 28th streets), New York, NY 10016 +1.212 685 7006

BURGER NAME: Burger Best 6 oz. w/ mozeralla, bacon and a side of Chicken Fingers.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger, recently of out retirement for a limited time only (he'll quit again after reviewing local take out joints which he uses to order in the future), just called Burger at its Best. The man who answered and took Mister Hamburger's order was weird, but in a funny way. When Mister Hamburger told him the delivery address, the man didn't understand so Mister Hamburger had to say "PENTHOUSE, like the magzine." The man still did not understand so Mister Hamburger said "PENTHOUSE, like the porno mens magazine." And then the man knew what Mister Hamburger was talking about. The man didn't know if he could deliver Hamburgers to Casa del Mister and Missus Hamburger, and when asked to clarify, said "We'll try." And then he laughed. Mister Hamburger thought he was funny. He liked it.

APPEARANCE: The burgers were all wrapped and had been suffocated. Bad news. Mister and Missus Hamburger were very upset that the man misunderstood the order. Missus Hamburger's came in soggy like a lake full of water, but correct. The onions were not up to the standard either. Mister Hamburgers food was wrong. It had no cheese or bacon. Instead, Mister Hamburger, just got meat and mushrooms on a bun that was more like a large body of water.

MEAT: The meat was cooked well, right to specs, and it tasted really good. Amazing for a little diner joint.

BUN: Mister Hamburger doesn't like a defensive moat protecting his meat and especially when he eats a burger. Imagine a medium rare meat castle and the bread moat around it. Does that sound like something you'd like to eat? Mister Hamburger thinks so too.

PACKAGE: There were fires underneath the toasted bun which was underneath the chicken fingers. Mister Hamburger thinks that's weird. That two chicks one cup thing is weird too, but Mister Hamburger thinks that this chicken finger/bun/fire thing was another possible viral sensation.

TASTE: Mister Hamburger thinks the meat was grade A. He loved it. The sauteed onions were terrible. The fries were fat like Mister Hamburgers ego.

DRIPPYNESS: Very good, well cooked. The length of time for delivery sucked up all the juices though, into the bun. Yuck.

MEAT TEXTURE:   For a funny little diner, Mister Hamburger gives them a hamburger hat commendation.

MEAT COLOR: Red in the middle and brown on the outside. Mister Hamburger would kiss the chef. But only if she was the hot lady with red hair from six feet under. Or Missus Hamburger.

SIZE: Mister Hamburger guesses it was about 1/3rd of a pound. Fantastico! That's italian for fantastic!

VALUE: Mister Hamburger likes home delivery. If the bun is like a meat castle's moat, then drown the burger in ketchup. Heinz ketchup.

COOKED TO SPECS:

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Mister Hamburger thinks the hot chef loves her burgers and is proud. But she doesn't understand what home delivery means. Thats probably because she is a homeless illegal alien, and Bloomberg won't let her have a home. Thanks Mayor. Merry Christmas Chef who has the love of the burger.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: He was fine. Quite polite.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mister Hamburger has good memories of the burger, except the bun moat.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Mister Hamburger has made farts that taste better than the bells and whistles at this place. And everyone knows that farts are just little bits of feces, which means you're eating shits. That's weird. Mister Hamburger wants you weirdo guys who like the smell of your own farts to think about that.

FINAL IMPRESSION: It was good. Just be sure to ask them for a lot of Ketchup, Heinz Ketchup, because they don't offer much of it.

le café crème | mister hamburger • post/haste

Le Café Crème, 4 Rue Dupetit Thouers, 75003 Paris France

BURGER NAME: Hamburger "Muffin" (Pain Anglais) €10

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger loves to eat hamburgers and smoke. Inside. For the time being, Mister Hamburger is allowed to smoke in bistros and cafes in Paris, so the first impression is already high. Mister Hamburger loves France, especially Paris, and especially Paris bistro food. Le Café Crème serves the burger on a chopping board, country style, which is charming, and the presentation was perfect. Mister Hamburger felt it was a meal that looked very good, and not at all pretentious like many of the hamburgers he has eaten before. Mister Hamburger thinks a hamburger should be something that looks like it wants to be eaten, not a work of art he is scared to touch.

APPEARANCE: The salad looked fresh, the bacon, which was presumably cooked in the jus de l'hamburger was on the side and looked good. The ketchup was Heinz and the 1664 beer was cold.

MEAT: Mister Hamburger hasn't had meat as good as this in a burger in years. Mister Hamburger gives French cows and French chefs five hamburgers. Mister Hamburger has also noticed a correlation between restaurants in France that serve Steak Tartar and hamburgers--the French love their tartar and should they also make burgers at that place, you're virtually guaranteed a very high quality burger.

BUN: The bun was an english muffin, which Mister Hamburger has had only once before, at the same place. It was slightly under toasted which is the only reason it didn't get five hamburgers. The muffin texture is perfect for absorbing the juices.

PACKAGE:

TASTE: The meat was un-fucking-beleivable and the flavours mixed perfectly with the cheese and the muffin, which was slightly sweet. Everything was extremely fresh and made for one of Mister Hamburger's favorite burgers of all time.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect. Mister Hamburger had only a few drips on his plate (and shirt) after he finished.

MEAT TEXTURE:

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: Mister Hamburger had eaten a jambon é fromage crêpe before the burger, so it was hard to judge, but according to size and amount of fries, it was neither too large nor too small.

VALUE: €10 is a lot for a burger, and given Mister Hamburger has to convert from US dollars, it gets expensive in Europe. That said, Mister Hamburger would pay more for this fucking awesome burger, because he loves to eat French hamburgers.

COOKED TO SPECS: Signon is French for medium rare, and it was spot on. Bright red in the middle and crunchy and dark on the outside.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Mister Hamburger isn't sure if it is love or just French pride in their cuisine, but the chef did a damned good job of the burger. Actually, it's probably French pride... which is better than Italian pride when it comes to cooking. Mister Hamburger was in Venice last year and a chef threw a plate of food against a wall after Mister and Missus Hamburger couldn't finish it. Mister Hamburger thinks that is a little much.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Mister and Missus Hamburger were seated at the very rear of the restaurant, which means we're ugly. It also means Mister Hamburger had trouble getting the waiters attention.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mister Hamburger stayed out drinking at Les Furieux until five o'clock in the morning, which is not normally possible. Mister Hamburger puts it down to the burger. Mister Hamburger puts the terrible hangover the next day down to Absolut Mandarin vodka though, which he and his friends were forced to drink after they drank out the bars supply of Zubrovka.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: The fries were not as fresh as they should be, but that's easily fixed.

FINAL IMPRESSION: One of the best hamburgers ever, even though it is gimmicky. Mister Hamburger strongly recommends all French or visitors to France visit Le Café Crème. Oh yeah, and in summer, they have a great big terrace and hot waitresses.

FINAL IMPRESSION:

hard rock café roma | mister hamburger • post/haste

Hard Rock Café Roma, Via Vittorio Veneto, 62/A, 00187 Roma (RM), Italy - +39 06 4203051

BURGER NAME: HRC Hickory BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger 11.75 Euros (About US$4,327.65)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister and Missus Hamburger has a friend in town, and we went out and got smashed last night. In fact, when we got home, Missus Hamburger tried to puke, and could only sneeze. Mister Hamburger gave her for that because it was funny. We decided to get a burger after a heavy day of tourism, and in context with playing visitor, Mister Hamburger and entourage went to Hard Rock Cafe.

APPEARANCE: The bun was a little wrinkled like an old Roman bitch pushing in front of Mister Hamburger at the supermarket. They're so bad here. Mister Hamburger gives pushy Romans . The cheese wasn't completely melted either. The fries looked a little yellow which was weird.

MEAT: The meat didn't look very appetizing. Mister Hamburger thought it looked like it was prepackaged meat rather than a burger that had been made when Mister Hamburger ordered it, which is how they should have done it. It looked brown gray on the inside, which means it wasn't cooked well, and Mister Hamburger wondered what they were trying to hide.

BUN: Mister Hamburger hates brown bread. Especially on his burgers. This bread was doughy, not toasted nearly enough, and it had definitely been sliced by a machine, not the loving hands of a chef who knows burgers.

PACKAGE: Booooring. The owner of Hard Rock Cafe Rome has hard rocks in his head.

TASTE: The brown bread overpowered the flavor of the meat, if there was any to begin with. You see, Mister Hamburgers burger was totally overcooked, and therefore there was no flavor left anymore. The Ketchup was good, because it was Heinz, and not stupid Hard Rock Cafe brand. The fries were crunchy, which Mister Hamburger likes, but they didn't have much flavor.

DRIPPYNESS: Disgustingly overcooked burgers don't drip.

MEAT TEXTURE:   Burnt. Idiots. Mister Hamburger would like to go one on one with the chef in the colosseum.

MEAT COLOR: Missus Hamburger had a burger that was red in the middle, which looked alright. Mister Hamburgers was disgusting.

SIZE: Mister Hamburger thought it was a little big.

VALUE: Mister Hamburger wouldn't pay diddly squat for this second rate poor excuse for a burger.

COOKED TO SPECS: It was verging on well done. Mister Hamburger would give the silly bastard himself a rating, but he doesn't deserve it.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: See above.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: The waiter who brought the food was straight out of a book Mister Hamburger imagined up at lunch called "99 reasons not to become a coke addict" or one of the eighties rock videos showing all through lunch. He also had a stupid accent.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mister Hamburger became very tired, which might be because the meat was bad and was overcooked to mask the bad flavor of meat gone bad, but it made Mister Hamburger sick all the same. Even if was totally overcooked.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: The Milkshake was alright. Though cream on the top was stupid. Where's the ice cream? Or something? The beer was warm. Yuk.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Lamest burger in a long time. The Hard Rock Cafe in Rome is totally lame. One of the stupidest things there, of their collection of important rock memorabilia was a "Staff Jacket from summer '95 festival of Eros Ramazzotti." I mean, who the fuck is that? And who ever it actually was, why don't they get his jacket. LAME.

[ed/missus note: I give my PERFECTLY medium rare burger . I think Mister Hamburger does too; he looked like he enjoyed it when he tasted it. Mister Hamburger LOVES to complain, though. I give this review for being a grumpy rant.]

st. regis hotel, roma | mister hamburger • post/haste

BURGER NAME: Classic St. Regis burger with fries (20 Euros)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister and Missus Hamburger are in Rome for a while, and we're both tired of Pizza and Pasta for every other meal. For Christmas dinner we decided on a burger, a St. Regis burger no less.

The hotel is amazing. Well, the lobby anyway. The Hamburger family did not dare to even ask about prices for a room. It's old school Rome, and the decor alone gave the hamburger and fries an extra hamburger. The cocktails, which preceded the burger helped to, pushing the presentation from a three to an easy four.

APPEARANCE: The bun was lightly toasted, and had the mark of the grill on the top. Mister Hamburger loves that. The fries were a nice golden color, and the bacon Mister Hamburger ordered as an extra was the British kind. Really good. And plentiful.

MEAT: The meat was great. As far as Rare/Medium Rare meat goes, the French, with their steak tartare and the Italians, with their carpaccio are second to none. This was no exception. Italian cows are the best.

BUN: No sesame seeds. Lightly oiled and toasted though, which saved it from a lesser rating. Have you ever had Italian bread though? Again, like the French, some of the best. Ever.

PACKAGE: They had little jars of Ketchup. Say no more.

TASTE: Not enough cheese, though the bacon, as Missus Hamburger says, makes it better. She's a good apple, that one.

DRIPPYNESS: It dripped over Mister Hamburgers new fancy shirt. And it soaked the bun, suggesting it might have been a little bit much. Before it dripped on Mister Hamburgers shirt and ruined the awesomo bread it was five. In Mister Hamburger's books, the only thing worse than not enough drippyness is too much drippyness.

MEAT TEXTURE: Overhead: "That meat was worked over more than a Ukrainian whore."

MEAT COLOR: Not seared enough on the outside and not red enough on the inside.

SIZE: As usual, Mister Hamburger could not finish he fries. The burger was a wonderful size though. Tall enough to fit in Mister Hamburgers mouth, and wide enough to hold and have the drippyness ruin Mister Hamburgers new shirt.

VALUE: At twenty Euros it should have been better considering that's about fifteen thousand U.S. dollars. Mister Hamburger hates the U.S. dollar.

COOKED TO SPECS: Mister Hamburger asked for rare. Rare like Carpaccio. Not Rare like medium rare, goddam it.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Love in the fries, but Mister Hamburger thinks the chef wanted to be home with his family for Christmas.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: The waiter was happy not to be at home with his family. Mister Hamburger guesses he has bad home life and volunteered for the shift.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Strong and great cocktails, which they fucking well should be for fifteen euros.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger thinks a burger like this could be better for 15K.

franks bar and restuarant, vienna | mister hamburger • post/haste

Franks Bar and Restuarant, 1. Laurenzberg 2, Vienna. +41.1.533.7805

BURGER NAME: Cheese Burger with fries (7.40 Euros)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger is in Vienna, where they call the Mayor a "Burgermeister" (the future Missus Hamburger calls him Mayor McCheese), and where they first made hot dogs (Wieners), so Mister Hamburger was looking forward to sampling the local short order fare. Sadly, Mister Hamburger hasn't seen an American made, or in this case, a hamburger inspired by those in the United States, since he left New York City for a year in Europe three months prior. In fact, he has had major problems since arriving in Vienna with access to hamburgers, Bibi, or Pipi or whatever the name of the guy who decided to open an American joint called Franks in Vienna, could have served Mister Hamburger a shit sandwich and he would have gotten at least one hamburger. Mister Hamburger really hates Schnitzel and Mister Hamburger burns his mouth every time on the stupid Wieners.

Mister Hamburger thought the space was nice too, traditional soft Viennese lighting, natural light streaming in through a skylight in the middle of the room and high cavernous red brick ceilings. The interiors earned Franks an extra hamburger.

APPEARANCE: Mister Hamburger knows what he doesn't like and he didn't not like this. The bun and meat looked very well cooked, and the bells and whistles looked delicious. Fries were on a side plate which Mister Hamburger likes in Vienna because sometimes the idiots in Austria serve you a schnitzel with so much fat and grease that when you cut into it the gross goopy crap leaks out all over your plate and makes the fries even soggier than they were before. One day, Mister Hamburger watched in horror as the future Missus Hamburger ordered a schnitzel and proceeded to use the french fries to soak up the excess fat of the Schnitzel. Mister Hamburger made an edict over that lunch that food should never be so greasy that accompanying deep fried potatoes can be used to soak up the fat. A fat sponge as Missus Hamburger calls it.

MEAT: Good quality beef, with good consistency in the grind. Good meaty flavor that Mister Hamburger misses when he goes to Vienna Macca's or BK.

BUN: The only reason the bun gets one hamburger s because Mister Hamburger loves a well toasted bun. The top and bottom outsides of buns should never be toasted, but should be warmed slightly, and the insides should be toasted to a rich brown color but not burnt, or so Mister Hamburger thinks. Franks toasted perfectly, but Franks buns were not up scratch. Surely they were the same buns Mister Hamburger buys himself from Zielpunkt, Spar or Billa the schtupidly named local grocery stores.

PACKAGE: Mister Hamburger enjoyed tasting the wide array of schmuck (Schmuck is German for decoration, you dickhead ("dick" is German for fat, you schmuck)).

TASTE: Solid, good meat flavor through the entire burger, and Mister Hamburger was pleased to see that they did not use too much cheese.

DRIPPYNESS: Excellent.

MEAT TEXTURE: Mister Hamburger enjoys a home ground meat patty, which this most certainly was.

MEAT COLOR: Brown on the outside and pink on the inside. Mister Hamburger loves.

SIZE: Mister Hamburger could not finish he fries, but he was very happy with everything except the size of the bun, which was too big for the patty.

VALUE: Even though it's in Euros, which is not good for Mister Hamburger (1 EUR = 0.782841 USD), it was good for approximately $9.45363.

COOKED TO SPECS: Mister Hamburger asked for medium rare and got something like it. Good.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Mister Hamburger thinks he was an illegal Turkish immigrant, which is a good thing here, because like Mexicans in the United States, Turks can cook damn good meat. Mister Hamburger is very happy that Franks employs "foreigners" who are largely looked down upon in this strange, xenophobic country. Besides, the four Mexicans in Vienna work at Pancho's, a local Mexican joint with good margaritas and an annoying closed Wi-Fi network.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: A lot for an Viennese waitress, who are generally bitches unhappy to serve you and even less happy that you're are bothering them by deigning to order food in their eating establishment. They're really rude in Vienna, especially at... well, anywhere.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: There was some type of Franks special sauce which was a mayo based thing, maybe vinegar or something, Mister Hamburger loved it. Oh yeah, and Mister Hamburger saw that they sell Macca's branded ketchup here at the stupidly named supermarket.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger was very impressed by an all round good dining experience and good service in a town which doesn't really do hamburgers and in a town where people are normally rude pricks. Even though it is kind of near a place Hamburg and the mayor is Mayor McCheese.

kool bloo | joanna, a.k.a the future missus hamburger • post/haste

Last night, in preparation for Mister Hamburger's and my upcoming nuptials, Alex, Liz and Arthur came over for Round One of The Official Wedding Cupcake Tasting. For three hours, I and my crack team of gifted palates sampled an assortment of cupcakes from five different bakeries, meticulously noting our reactions to a multitude of cupcake variables. To inject even more scientific-ness to the experiment, we emulated the wedding-environmental-factor of inebriation by pairing our test subjects with four bottles of champagne.

Just as Mister Hamburger began his weight-loss regime, I too have been trying to shrink down for our wedding.

Consequently, cupcakes and champagne were dinner. And lunch.

Perhaps having consumed enough of sugar in one sitting to spontaneously develop type-two diabetes produced today's intense craving for red meat. Or maybe it was last night's series of Mister Hamburger-like cupcake reviews and continuums. Or maybe it's just that I really miss the hell out of that man and felt like trying on his hamburger hat.

Whatever the reason(s), I caved to my craving, and just ate my first hamburger since — oh man — October. What follows is my first, and likely last, hamburger review.

Stay tuned for the results from Round One of The Official Wedding Cupcake Tasting. I'll post them when the dining room no longer smells like frosting, or the thought of cupcakes doesn't elicit waves of nausea. Whichever comes first.

Kool Bloo, 221 East 23rd Street, 212.679.5665

BURGER NAME: 8 oz Burger with Bacon and Cheddar Cheese, $9.95

FIRST IMPRESSION:
Home delivery really does a number on a burger. It's the steam. Someone really needs to invent a box that keeps things hot but sucks up the moisture. Anyway, the last time I even saw a hamburger in person was in Paris when Mister Hamburger finally answered the call of Quick's "Cheese Fever" ad campaign. That was a weird looking burger, and so was this. Kind of disappointed that it was so flat, not plump like Mister Hamburger's hat.

APPEARANCE:
Flat and steamed looking, but gets an extra hamburger because it was the first hamburger I'd seen in three months that was going to go into my mouth.

MEAT:
Looked good but flat.

BUN:
A little soft from steam, but not mushy. A bit smaller than the burger, which was kind of annoying, but no big deal.

PACKAGE:
Before I took a bite, I was beginning to think that the whole thing wasn't worth it...

TASTE:
Omigoodness. So good. Hamburgers are the greatest things in the world. Yeah, it was a little cold, but didn't matter. Really really good. Really great harmony of all the elements.

DRIPPYNESS:
This is my favorite review category. It has a funny name, and I really don't understand Mister Hamburger's criteria. I mean, in his last review, he referred to Burger King's special sauce as "good drippyness". It was a really juicy burger, but the bun caught anything that would have dripped onto my hand, or more importantly, the ring Mister Hamburger gave me when he asked for my hand.

MEAT TEXTURE :
Excellent. Perfectly medium rare, and just-right density.

MEAT COLOR:
Nice brown outside, and pinkish inside.

SIZE:
I'm not sure if it's because I've been au regime, but this thing was way too big. I cut it in half right out of the box, and half is back in the box right now. Felt really full when I had one bite left but ate it anyway and it was goooood.

VALUE:
If I hadn't been in a cupcake coma I'd have hoofed it over to Les Halles for a $21 Rossini.

COOKED TO SPECS:
Perfectly medium rare. Bravo.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:
I don't think he should have smooshed the burger on the grill (its flattened appearance suggested that's what may have happened), but there was a lot of love in there.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER:
He gave me change from his wallet which always freaks me out but he was nice enough.

ONE HOUR LATER:
A little guilty about breaking my diet, but half a hamburger digesting just fine, and will not turn the future Missus Hamburger into a cow. Believe I might be coming out of cupcake coma, too.

BELLS AND WHISTLES:
The burger came with fries. Though I did not want them, someone with a voice that sounds exactly like mine used my body as a vehicle to tell the person at Kool Bloo that she wanted the curly variety. I later saw that person's hand reach for about four of the fries — the only ones shaped in tight spirals. My psychic sense is that she only likes the tightly spiraled ones and that she thought they were delicious, with a delightfully subtle spicy kick.

FINAL IMPRESSION:
If I had had a hamburger in the last three months, this would maybe be a four-hamburger hamburger. But I haven't. I am giving it five. And, yes, Mister Hamburger, I know that you don't believe that it's even worthy of four and that I don't know what I'm talking and that I should stick to cupcakes. When you hang your hamburger hat up back on its peg at home we can order in from Kool Bloo and tell me all about it.

burger king, crab air base (forward operating base warrior), northern iraq | mister hamburger • post/haste

BURGER NAME: Whopper with Cheese meal, $5.25

FIRST IMPRESSION: Kebabs, roast chicken, slop from the mess halls throughout Iraq. A burger is clearly a welcomed treat anywhere on the planet, but in the land of shitty kebabs, and even worse KBR contracted army food, a Burger King was a surprise. Four hamburgers for the sheer fact they were there.

APPEARANCE: It would have gotten two hamburgers, but Mister Hamburger has a little sympathy considering this food has been driven up in armed convoys from Kuwait along some of the most dangerous roads on earth. The bun was a little soggy, almost as though it had been microwaved, but the sauces and the amount of lettuce were pleasing.

MEAT: Well grilled. The guys working in the BK were all south Asian, Mister Hamburger is not sure exactly where from, but wherever it is Mister Hamburger would like to go, because they know how to cook a burger patty. They are 100% better than those idiots in the U.S. Burger Kings.

BUN: Not Iraqi bread, but sadly a little soggy.

PACKAGE:

TASTE: Mister Hamburger loves fast food, especially when it is hard to get. This Burger king is one of two in Iraq, and the one in Baghdad is hard to access because Mister Hamburger does not have a Dept. of Defence card to access the base. Also, it is hard to justify driving down the infamous airport road where there are daily attacks and bombings, for a cheeseburger. Thus, the burger gets a higher than average rating, because Burger King Iraq are a bunch of hard asses.

DRIPPYNESS: Burger King always has good drippyness. It is that strange but good tasting white sauce stuff they use.

MEAT TEXTURE : Good, and good thickness.

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: The south Asians liked Mister Hamburger, and must have given him extra fries, because when Mister Hamburger got back to his tent, he discovered his bag was over flowing with fries.

VALUE: Everything in Iraq is tax free, except stupid Burger King - they make everyone pay full price. Mister Hamburger suspects this is to pay off the families who sacrificed drivers and soldiers who are forced to drive the ingredients from Kuwait. Mister Hamburger is sad for those dead people, though Mister Hamburger wonders if American Soldiers really need Burger King in a combat zone?

COOKED TO SPECS: Pretty good, but missing salt in the fries and the bun could have been better.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Would have been three, but Mister Hamburger suspected use of a Microwave there.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: No attitude, no shit service. Fast turnaround. We need more of these fellows to work in the States, because those shit eating morons at any chain store in the United States really make ordering burgers a nightmare. If you are reading this Macca's and BK employees of America, kill yourself, you rude selfish arrogant fuckers.

ONE HOUR LATER: Not local food.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Canned drinks and the fries were not salted enough.

FINAL IMPRESSION: It is thanks to the U.S. air force that this base has so many little stores like this Burger King, there are at least 6 including a Taco Bell. The air force are known widely to have good food at their bases, and to look after their soldiers, but sadly the air force are a bunch of dicks. On the way to the humvee that was picking up Mister Hamburger, an Air Force police officer stopped the driver, an army guy, and gave him a ticket for stopping in a no parking area. The driver tried to explain that he was just picking up Mister Hamburger, but the air force cop would not have a bar of it. Can you imagine? In a serious and brutal combat zone, some loser stops a car on a military base to give out a ticket for not paying enough attention to road rules? Mister Hamburger thinks that the air force policemen should be given rifles with no ammunition and sent across the wire to have a look at what the soldiers are dealing with off base.

mcdonalds in nanning, china | mister hamburger • post/haste

McDonald's, Central Nanning, Southern China
(Mister Hamburger regrets to say the Home Delivery option isn't available, even though Mister Hamburger is in the land of home delivery.)

BURGER NAME: Double Cheeseburger, medium fries, and orange juice. $3.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Noodles, rice, noodles, rice, noodles, rice, noodles, rice, noodles fucking rice. Even if they had served Mister Hamburger a bit of skanky meat between buns, first impression would have been five hamburgers because Mister Hamburger had had enough of going native.

APPEARANCE: Not noodles. Mister Hamburger loves not noodles.

MEAT: Good. Consistent like the McDonalds in New York or in Australia. All the same 1000's of cows in each patty.

BUN: Very fresh, very sweet. Lightly toasted. Wonderful. And not noodles.

PACKAGE: Everything was very fresh and Mister Hamburger has decided that McDonald's in China is better than any McDonald's in America. These Chinese take pride in their burger making skills. Mister Hamburger has mostly respect for the model citizens of communism working at McDonald's.

TASTE: Did Mister Hamburger mention the shock of a hamburger to his tastebuds was well received over the standard noodles and rice?

DRIPPYNESS: Even in China they can't make the Macca's drip.

MEAT TEXTURE : Much better than the fried dog or whatever the fuck Mister Hamburger pointed at to be fried, barbequed, and covered in weirdo sauce the other night.

MEAT COLOR: Was not the pale color of noodles or rice.

SIZE: Same size as every other burger in the world from McDonald's. Very socialist and fair.

VALUE: Cheap as shit. Mister Hamburger has decided not to buy tonnes of cheap Chinese clothes and electronics whilst here and gorge himself on McDonalds because of the bargain basement red spot special prices.

COOKED TO SPECS: Best Macca's ever.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Model communist peoples hero.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Mister Hamburger had the feeling that she was talking about him in front of him like Korean manicurists do in front of Missus Hamburger-to-be.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mister Hamburger wanted more.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Fresh fries. Cold orange juice.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger loved almost everything about the McDonalds, except on the wall there was a sign for their regional dishes which are usually fun. At this McDonalds they had some chicken sandwich thing special to China... like a fucking AVIAN FLU BURGER... and on another poster was an apple pie type of thing, but bright purple. That shit don't fly in Mister Hamburger's book, and all through his eating experience he felt ill looking at the sign, but he couldn't stop looking at it. Mister Hamburger returned to the McDonald's later for a follow up round, and sat away from the weirdo pie poster thing, only to have two young girls sit down on the neighboring table and eat two of the fucking things. Four hamburgers was the order of the day for Chinese Macca's, but it drops, and remains at zero until someone can get those fucking purple things away from your good correspondent.

mister hamburger's weight loss regime | mister hamburger • post/haste

After years of research and months of dutifully writing hamburger reviews, Mister Hamburger has been forced by management to explain his long absence from two-twenty.

Mister Hamburger, dedicated as they come in the World of Hamburgers, was happy to sacrifice his usual sharp looks for an extra tire and love handles. However, Mister Hamburger became concerned that the future Missus Hamburger was not excited about his extra girth, shortness of breath, and potential likelihood of heart problems.

Mister Hamburger has started running. Look for the guy on the East river some afternoons wearing his hamburger hat and puffing and panting his way down to the Russian and Turkish Baths. Mister Hamburger gives the baths .

The running, however, only gets because it is so hard for Mister Hamburger to get motivated to go out as New York gets so goddamned cold. Mister Hamburger gives New York's relative lack of Autumn .

Mister Hamburger has some travel plans over the next fifteen months or so. Stay tuned for Mister Hash Cookies, Mister Dim Sum, Mister Kebab, and Mister Spaghetti.

Mister Hamburger has not quit though, he still has hamburgers now and then.

miracle grill | mister hamburger • post/haste

Miracle grill, 1st Ave btwn 6th and 7th, 212-254-2353

BURGER NAME: Sirloin Burger with cheese ($13.45)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger went to a German place for beers earlier and ordered something called a Spartan ale. Mister Hamburger, being a real man, ordered one liter of the lolly water crap and was forced to drink it to prove his manliness. When he arrived at Miracle Grill, the miracle was Mister Hamburger did not piss himself, or vomit the sweet crap back up.

Instead, Mister Hamburger made it to the toilet, and on the way back he saw some incredible looking burgers on the grill with a nice man dropping spices onto them. Mister Hamburger had already settled on the chicken breast, though upon seeing the patties grilling, he made urgent changes to his order after racing back to the table like a loser from LA.

APPEARANCE: The patties cooking on the grill with some stuff being dropped onto them is an image Mister Hamburger will die with.

MEAT: The consistency was very very good, with the patty staying well together during the entire session of burger love.

BUN: Too thin, though, like the meat stayed together very well even with lots of drippyness.

PACKAGE: Very handsome arrangement. Mister Hamburger could not have dreamed of such a beautiful arrangement in his wildest fantasies. Except for Les Halles or DB Bistro of course.

TASTE: Extremely good. Could taste all the goodness thoroughly with even flavors of bells and whistles, some crazy béarnaise sauce pretending to be chipotle mayo type of stuff, and the wonderful fabulous meat.

DRIPPYNESS: A little too much drip for Mister Hamburger's liking, some of the juice dripped onto his hands which is not sexy from a hamburger.

MEAT TEXTURE: Very firm, and perfectly cooked.

MEAT COLOR: Mister Hamburger loves char grilled patties with bright red insides.

SIZE: Too Many fries, but the burger alone was an excellent size.

VALUE: Easily enough for a major sit down dinner, and cheap.

COOKED TO SPECS: Exactly medium rare. One of the very very few places on earth who understand what medium rare means to a medium rare lover like Mister Hamburger.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Mister Hamburger spoke to the cookers and told them it was one of the best burgers he had eaten in the city, and they seemed honestly happy. Mister Hamburger also thinks they understood what he said because they answered him in engish - "really?" they said. Mister Hamburger said "Yes, you will lead a successful life in the hamburger cooking, or anything else you decide to do because you are legends of the grill and this understanding can translate to anything such as the tea ceremony, flower arrangement, or artistic direction.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: She was a lover of the hamburger and therefore well looked upon by Mister Hamburger.

ONE HOUR LATER: Mister Hamburger had a vodka as usual, and he felt damn fine.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Hand cut fries, and a damn fine sauce that tasted a lot like Bourdain's Béarnaise sauce.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger told the chef he loved him. Maybe it was the vodka, but Mister Hamburger was very very impressed.

corner bistro | mister hamburger • post/haste

Corner Bistro, 331 W 4th st. (kinda near 8th ave), 212 242 9502

BURGER NAME: Bistro Burger, $6.00

FIRST IMPRESSION: Big colorful looking burger with the lid off. Looked damn good. Simple too, on a paper plate thrown down in front of you by some old fart who has probably been there way too long.

APPEARANCE: The proportions were all excellent to the eye, and the lettuce and tomato were f-f-fresh. There was a lot of bacon, and mister hamburger likes to think he can never have too much bacon.

MEAT: In Mister Hamburgers life, which has involved many many burgers, he has only had two hamburgers previously cooked properly. Medium Rare was really medium rare. Mister Hamburger orders his meat this way because should the meat be of good stock, like those cows in Brooklyn for example, then the meat tastes fucking awesome this way. Overcooked meat is the sign of bad beef. This beef was good beef. Very highly recommended.

BUN: A little thin for the size of the patty, but all round - pun intended, it was good. Fresh bread and lightly toasted.

PACKAGE: Simple and sexy.

TASTE: The meat was very very well prepared, but the taste of it was overbearing. The raw onion, which is a good secret as mister hamburgers friend pointed out, should have been more dominant through the burger, same goes for the lettuce and tomato and bacon and cheese.

DRIPPYNESS: Looking up over Mister Hamburgers $2 lunch beer, Mister Hamburger saw his friend taking his first bite as a flood of juices dripped into his paper plate. That is not good. Too much drippyness for Mister Hamburger, and afterwards a trip to the bathroom was necessary.

MEAT TEXTURE : Great. Really great, in the middle where the meat was rare, it was just warm enough to eat and not cool enough to be tartar.

MEAT COLOR: Beautiful. Bleeding in the middle and Charred on the edges.

SIZE: Very good size, though the patty was a little to big.

VALUE: Damn good. Especially washed down with $2 beers.

COOKED TO SPECS: One of three chefs who can cook medium rare. Mister Hamburger would marry him if he were a sexy lady and Mister Hamburger was not already engaged to a sexy lady.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Happy, underpaid chef. Need more of them in the city.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Bartender and the old weirdo who took the money were both very nice and fast.

ONE HOUR LATER: A tiny bit drowsy because of beers and the afternoon sun.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: No idea about the fries. I heard the pickles are good. The $2 beers were the best.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Would have been a solid four if Mister Hamburger did not have so much grease on his hands afterwards he could have delivered a baby lamb without any astroglide.

schnäck | mister hamburger • post/haste

Schnäck, 122 Union Street, Brooklyn, 718.855.2879

BURGER NAME: Best Deal, Quad burger, swiss cheese, bacon, lettuce tomato. $6

FIRST IMPRESSION: While the bun looked a little shiny when they put it in front of Mister Hamburger as though they had spilt a little oil on it, it looked fucking good. The burger would have had 4 hamburgers, but Mister Hamburger absolutely hates brooklyn and everything to do with it, and this was a long goddamn ride from midtown on the stupid F train. Plus, the fucking waitress took the piss out of Mister Hamburger and Mister Hamburger's friends when we ordered too much beer. Bitch. If you're reading this, bite Mister Hamburger.

APPEARANCE: A small tower of a hamburger, but well proportioned all the same. The colors in the store made it look even better.

MEAT: Great meat, could faintly taste the charred meat that had been cooking on the grill all night which was a highlight, and the flavor was strong enough to permeate the entire package.

BUN: Fresh bread, not toasted at all - a big fuck up. Why doesn't everyone lightly toast their buns? If you don't do it, then the burger is like some yard sale special or a corner food cart job. I mean, a little bit of toasting isn't too much for mister Hamburger to ask is it?

PACKAGE: Looked sexy. Colorful. But I guess they have the hipster money and flair to make it look good out there in Brooklyn. Doesn't matter if it tastes like shit, and is served with attitude, just so long as it looks good. Being that far deep into Brooklyn, Mister Hamburger was surprised they didn't put little baby Ipod buds into the side of the burger or something equally fucking stupid.

TASTE: Everything was very good. Solid three burgers. Mister Hamburger said four hamburgers part of the way though, but he was wrong. Mister Hamburger was, after all, in Brooklyn.

DRIPPYNESS: Good amount of drippyness, though the problem was that the drips did not really amass into one part of the burger like usual and drip onto Mister Hamburgers bib, instead it sort of dispersed all over Mister Hamburger's hands, which Mister Hamburger does not like. Mister Hamburger likes to sip on his balloon of Cognac during his hamburgers without getting grease all over the glass. Thats a lie. He was drinking beer out of little plastic cups. Cool. Brooklyn losers.

MEAT TEXTURE : Good meat, good cows in Brooklyn. The cows there must love listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's all the time and drinking Pabst Blue ribbon.

MEAT COLOR: Pabst gives the cows good color too evidently.

SIZE: Mister Hamburger was achingly hungry, and the burger was a good size to fill his pained stomach. It should be noted however, Mister Hamburger does not want to stomach any more shit from Brooklyn for a while. 12 minutes on the F train Mister Hamburgers fat ass.

VALUE: Six bucks was pretty good for this burger, and the beer was cheap to, though it cost four bucks for Mister and Missus Hamburger to get out there and then another twenty something to get home in a taxicab. That makes it bad value. Oh - and you have to order the fries separately, that sucks.

COOKED TO SPECS: The guy who is featured on this site holding the hello kitty bong was sitting next to Mister Hamburger and he said he was asked how he wanted the burger done. They did not ask Mister Hamburger.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Good chef. He had to work in roughly 120 degree heat in the shitty brooklyn sweathouse. That's dedication. And he was chewing a match. Cool. No ipod buds, even cooler.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: The next cracker living in a reclaimed/gentrified neighborhood of New York City to give me any type of attitude for no reason other than they are so fucking cool because they looove brooklyn or the bronx is going to force Mister Hamburger, who is also a founding member of the two twenty slasher gang, to set his entire gang of switch blade carrying bad asses onto him to cut him a new ass hole.

ONE HOUR LATER: Full.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Would have been three, because they were very good fries, slim and crispy for the most part, but the problem was that we had to order them separately. That's stupid.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Good solid burger. Fuck Brooklyn.

db bistro moderne | mister hamburger • post/haste

DB Bistro Moderne, 44th btwn 5th and 6th Avenues, 212.391.2400

BURGER NAME: THE ORIGINAL db BURGER - Sirloin Burger Filled with Braised Short Ribs, Foie Gras and Black Truffles Served on a Parmesan Bun with with Pommes Soufflées or Pommes Frites $29

FIRST IMPRESSION: One of the top five of the most beautiful things Mister Hamburger has ever seen in his whole life.

APPEARANCE: Both in summer and winter DB's hamburger, or fois gras burger as they prefer them to be known look incredible. To the untrained eye the burgers would look rather similar side by side, but to Mister Hamburger, long a fan of the best hamburger joint in the world they are echelons apart.

The difference is in the Truffles.

Obviously, truffles are far more flavorful and resonant during the winter months, when they are in season. During summer the black truffles are very weak in comparison. Mister Hamburger loves both types of truffle of course, and even more so in a hamburger, but DB bistro mostly snubs the summer variety.

Chef Daniel Boulud adds only small amounts of shaved truffle to the summer fois gras burger to "bring out and add to the flavor of the braised short ribs" as a waitress explained. These burgers are twenty nine dollars.

During winter however, Chef Boulud loses his shit.

He adds a seventy five dollar fois gras and truffle burger to the menu. Not to be outdone by other expensive burgers in a city which once boasted a $1000 cocktail, he makes sure DB Bistro has the fanciest of fancy - the jewel in his golden hamburger hat is a $125 fois gras and double truffle burger.

MEAT: top quality and tastes better than some of the American Kobe around town.

BUN: It has cheese melted onto it. How could Mister Hamburger give that anything less than five? Mister Hamburger loves to eat hamburgers, but he also loves to eat cheese.

PACKAGE:

TASTE: Just look at the ingredients. Some commentaters claim that when a burger is this fancy it is no longer a burger, but they are uneducated idiots. A patty with buns on either side is a burger, end of story.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect. Maybe three drips of fat on the plate at the end.

MEAT TEXTURE :

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: not too big, but seems to be compressed because Mister Hamburger felt really goddam full when he finished.

VALUE: It is really really expensive - Mister Hamburger has only had the twenty nine dollar and the seventy five dollar varieties, but it is strongly recommended because it will blow your mind, you'll never look at a hamburger in the same way.

COOKED TO SPECS: I guess it is really hard to cook a burger that has fois gras and braised short ribs inside, and they got damned close to medium rare. Perhaps Mister Hamburger will start asking for rare burgers in order to get medium rare.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Funny, friendly and nice. He would have gotten five hamburgers if he had been ruder to the fucking suit clad monkey show on the next table who pretended to know more than one another about the wine.

ONE HOUR LATER: Incredibly filling. One valentines day Mister Hamburger ventured out with Missus Hamburger-to-be to eat the three most expensive burgers in the city. Mister and Missus-to-be were defeated after DB Bistro. It looks small but the thing packs a punch, and much vodka is required to help break it down.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: See the photo. The fries are empty balloons of deep fried potatoes. If you've ever eaten a salty and lightly greased cloud, then you can imagine how damn good these things are.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Way back when, during the Les Halles review, Mister Hamburger claimed to have understood the complex rules of men not having best friends. Though only now does Mister Hamburger see the problems that have arisen by wanting to have Anthony Bourdain as his best friend. He cannot have Chef Boulud as a best friend too because one of them has to be better than the other. Mister Hamburger has decided he would like an inner circle of friends instead and both Bourdain and Boulud are in it.

the park | mister hamburger • post/haste

The Park, 118 10th Ave, Btwn 17th & 18th St, 212-352-3313

BURGER NAME: Burger with onion rings, Cheese and bacon extra. $10.

FIRST IMPRESSION: The cheese was melted nicely on top of the patty and we had a good seat. We had a good seat because there was a bomb scare right outside minutes before we arrived, and the NYPD had dogs and bomb squad come down and cordon off the whole block. While we went to another nearby place, they found a garbage bag with guitar strings inside, leaving the Park and the neighboring bar completely empty for us.

Apparently it is usually filled with dicks from this part of town and a whole bunch of bridge and tunnel sluts and dickheads, so we got lucky. Outside table in the smoking section and only one table of trash monkeys dressed like they had come from mowing the lawn in Hoboken with their dirty hoe bitches dressed like they had just come from redecorating their trailers.

Said the waitress at the place we had to wait for the bomb squad to clean up "If i was going to bomb a place around here, I'd do the park as well."

APPEARANCE: The bun was split so Mister Hamburger could appreciate the good meat and cheese, and they forgot my bacon so they brought it on a separate little place which was cool. Bacon should always be put on a separate plate, it makes it look so serious and good.

MEAT: Good flavor though not special.

BUN: Fresh bread, covered the entire patty, and a good width. Mister hamburger hates buns that are too thick.

PACKAGE: Good plate of food.

TASTE: The fries were really good, excellent in fact, and the rest of the burger was good too, though like i said, it wasn't really that special.

DRIPPYNESS: Slightly over cooked and dry.

MEAT TEXTURE : The meat was definitely of a good quality and grind, though I think the chef was scared of getting blown into bits of a new hamburger and could not concentrate.

MEAT COLOR: Looked real. Better than lots of places Mister Hamburger eats at.

SIZE: Perhaps slightly too many fries. Mister Hamburger does not like too much food, he likes them small.

VALUE: Average for the food but the atmosphere of the place was very nice. Big open air space and polished wood and cavernous inside.

COOKED TO SPECS: Everything was pretty spot on, but the chef freaked out because of the bomb and couldn't do medium rare. Mister Hamburger very very very rarely gives chefs the benefit of the doubt, but in this case he is prepared to go back and try again. Mister Hamburger thinks that chefs who does not cook to specs should have an eye poked out for each grade he cooks out of the requested doneness. Or have the hamburger stuffed in their ass.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: He tried but was preoccupied. Pussy.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: He was nice and did not complain so much. Just your average metrovague wanna be actor who is happy being paid $5 an hour serving bridge and tunnel trash and Leo for the moment.

ONE HOUR LATER: Good. Vodka helped though.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Damn good fries. Onions, lettuce were all good and heinz ketchup. Mister Hamburger thinks that Mayor Bloomberg should issue an edict that makes it illegal to serve anything but Heinz.. in fact:

FINAL IMPRESSION: Best thing about the place was the environment. Really nice looking place except for the horrible Jersey types.

mcdonalds, 23rd and madison | mister hamburger • post/haste

McDonalds Family Resto, 23rd and Mad.

BURGER NAME: #3 meal - Quarter Pounder with Cheese, fries and a minute maid fake juice.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Had they not had the paper on the tray that had a big picture of golden fries it would have gotten one.

APPEARANCE: The bun was on crooked and I had to rotate it to make it look slightly edible i my photo. The meat was only half on the bun and i couldn't push it back because the cheese had melted it into position.

MEAT: Mister Hamburger used to work there.

BUN: Now, Mister Hamburger is going to tell you a little story about MacDonalds. Once I took acid and went to a dancing party at a large discoteque. After the cops came and shut it down, I went to a party at someone's house where I was pressured into smoking bongs of Pachouchi from a bong that was shaped like a 14 inch penis. It strongly resembled Mister Hamburger's hot beef injector in fact. A little small perhaps. Ask any of the girls at Coffee Shop. That's why they walk funny. It has nothing to do with the 8 inch pumps they wear. Anyway, I started freaking out a little but and took the train directly to work where Mister Hamburger was put onto Hamburger bun cooking duties. Mister Hamburger was pretty fucked up and worked very hard and soon enough the hangover from the acid kicked in and Mister Hamburger was found fast asleep in the rack of cheeseburger buns - the quarter pounder and big mac buns had too much texture for a solid sleep because of the sesame seeds. A manager found Mister Hamburger asleep in the buns and made him keep working which was a bad idea. Dozens of blisters later, Mister Hamburger was sent home. The buns were very comfortable and for many years Mister Hamburger has sought a mattress from Mister Sleepy. Sadly they don't sell them. With exception of the rack of buns I slept in, McDonald's buns have lots of sugar and are cooked very well. To perfection in fact. Mister Hamburger loves McDonalds buns.

PACKAGE: Solid, though I felt like I was being beaten into it by the lesser Hamburger gods towards it. The greater gods were telling me to go to Shake Shack across the street but it was raining.

TASTE: Once, when Mister Hamburger was Master Hamburger, he used to eat at Balwyn McDonalds which was the best one in the world. Once his friends dad, who was a fucking hippy crunchy prick who always complained his meat was grey told me he thought it was actually sawdust. What a dick Master Hamburger thought. Now I know he was right. He is still a dick though and his marriage actually ended badly because he was such a loser.

DRIPPYNESS: Dry.

MEAT TEXTURE : Sawdust.

MEAT COLOR: Cool from the outside, but kinda sketchy if they don't cook it enough which is hard seeing as the grills are timed. I know. I worked there. when the patties come from the freezer, they are hard like a brick and smash if you drop them on the floor.

SIZE: Just too much. Good sizes at Maccas.

VALUE: Cheap as shit. And a good view up Madison.

COOKED TO SPECS: The thing is with Macca's it is all or nothing. Everything in the fucking place is timed. The fries the drinks the burgers even the ketchup portions. If they somehow manage to fuck that up, they get 0 hamburgers.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Exactly the amount of love you get for $6 an hour. Mister Hamburger knows. He worked there.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Typical Macca's fucking bitch, but quick for a change. Once I heard a joke about a guy who had to wait for his meal and the lady said she was sorry about the wait, and he told that bitch "Take a couple of jogs around the block and maybe you'll lose it." Fuck yeah. I mean really, for $6 an hour how can you afford to eat so much your gut hangs below your belt?

ONE HOUR LATER: Designed to be digested easily.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Years and years and millions of dollars in development, how can it be bad.

FINAL IMPRESSION: I mean - it's still Maccas, Mister Hamburger's first love.

fifth avenue coffee | mister hamburger • post/haste

Fifth Ave Coffee 389 5th Ave (36th street), 212-686-3560

Note: Home delivery burgers get rated higher than burgers in resto's because it is a very difficult art form to make and send out a burger and have it at your place in good condition. For example, this one gets 5 hamburgers first impression, but it would get 2 in a resto...

BURGER NAME: Cheese burger deluxe with bacon

FIRST IMPRESSION: These guys get a golden hamburger hat. They seperate the fries in a tin pan thing, which means they stay crispy unlike any other monkeys who run diners in Midtown, especially those twats at Blue Moon or whatever it's called. I hate those idiots. The burger was in a little plastic thing which didn't squash the bun at all.

APPEARANCE: I mean, it is not five hamburgers in a restaurant, but for home delivery, it is for sure. I could have married this hamburger at home and been happy.

MEAT: not special. Overcooked though the texture was okay.

BUN: Little dry, which Mister Hamburger never likes. Mister Hamburger doesn't like too moist either. There are only a couple of places Mister Hamburger likes moist and his buns are not one of them.

PACKAGE: Really goddam impressive.

TASTE: With the beauty of the burger, Mister Hamburger was preppared for a fucking brilliant burger but was let down. It was alright, but nothing at all special.

DRIPPYNESS: Almost no drips at all, but the cheese was melted well all over the patty which was good, so it got one hamburger.

MEAT TEXTURE : Average.

MEAT COLOR: Stunning and lovely, but again, the cook must paint these things with good looking hamburger sauce ($19.95 rrp.) because it didn't taste that good. Maybe it was made of cat.

SIZE: Enormous.

VALUE: Enormous.

COOKED TO SPECS: Slightly over cooked. American diner cooks largely seem scared to cook things so they remain bloody.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: He certainly tried but I couldn't taste the passion of a true gold burger hat winner. He spent too long making it pretty and not enough time making it good.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Relatively fast delivery so everything was ready to eat when it arrived which was refreshing, though the whole experience was soured on the part of all my neighbors having a convention to talk about the Co-Op board right outside my door. To complicate things, my dog was trying to escape and I could feel everyone looking at me thinking he is the guy who didn't tip enough and now we have "cheap ass" written on the wall outside the elevators with an arrow to my door (which we do, and Mister Hamburger has tried and tried to clean it off, but I can't. It is in blue biro. If anyone has any magic tips which won't further ruin the lovely wallpaper, then tell me.)

ONE HOUR LATER: Too many damned fries which I have to try to eat. Felt a little full later, but that could have been on account of 3000 beers and shots over the past 4 days and the fact I was in bed watching the golden girls which will make anyone sick (it never fails to kill the old people that watch it). Was a fucking huge burger too, which I tried to but couldn't finish.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Crunchy fries, and the disgusting shit things called pickles were wrapped inoffensively with white paper making it much easier to pick it up and throw it out. Mister Hamburger hates pickles and those long green vegetable type things.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Like a really sexy bitch thats phenomenally bad in bed.

shake shack | mister hamburger • post/haste

Shake Shack, Madison Square Park

BURGER NAME: Cheeseburger, $3.69

FIRST IMPRESSION: Like a burger looked back home in Melbourne. Served in greasy wax paper, and in a box with whatever else you ordered, it's really simple. It's burger heaven. You can smoke while you order, smoke while you pick up your order, smoke while your slow eating friend finishes and smoke while you drink the beers you ordered. All outside in the park.

New York Magazine voted this the best burger in the city two years running, which makes it pretty clear that they're a bunch of dicks who can't think outside of the Paris Hilton/Maer Roshan/rewrites of Page 6 box. I mean they said in their review of it last year that it was NYC's answer to In'n'Out burger - why on earth would anyone claiming to be a New Yorker make a parallel with something those shit monkeys on the West coast came up with and say ours is as good. Danny Meyer obviously thought of it first and In'nOut burger stole it from his mind using super technology from outer space.

I mean it is a fucking good burger, but best in the city? Morons.

APPEARANCE: Joanna said "you know, those burgers just look like a picture of a burger." I think she wanted to be quoted like people in the Zagat's thing, so there it is.

MEAT: Brilliant. Fresh, cooked perfectly.

BUN: This bun is not toasted but it doesn't need to be. It is covered in greasy goodness, it is moist, and fresh. Awesome buns. Not like the average racks at that dump near grand central. I'd settle for awesome buns over an average rack any day.

PACKAGE: No charm whatsoever, but that's kinda the charm of this place.

TASTE: Extremely rich flavors in the cheese and the meat. The meat is just such high quality and cooked so well that it alone is brilliant.

DRIPPYNESS: Best drippyness on a burger I have had in my entire life.

MEAT TEXTURE : Awesome.

MEAT COLOR: Awesome.

SIZE: They are the perfect size. Big ain't always better in burgers, though the thing small cocked men say is not right at all. I have never met a girl who likes small dicks.

VALUE: About five bucks for some fries and a burger. The best.

COOKED TO SPECS:

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: It is a fashionable fast food joint, but the service is pretty good considering. Less attitude from the people cooking and giving you the food than the dicks who take your order.

ONE HOUR LATER: Felt great and ordering another burger now 5 hours on.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Shakes really good. Fries alright, not bad not good. They have Poochini's too, which is a three buck dish for the dog. Peanut butter on the bottom to keep them busy while you eat, frozen custard on top with dog croquettes stuffed in.

FINAL IMPRESSION: There was a huge bitch fight between two gangs of marauding ho's on the corner within view which involved women kicking other women while those lame park ranger types unsuccessfully tried to do something to stop it; I bought two well cooked phones after lunch from someone for a good deal; my dog is happy and full and not as annoying as normal; I smoked the entire time; and I had a fucking bad ass burger. Oh, and I got the phones unlocked at a place around the corner. Like I said, burger heaven.

pershing square | mister hamburger • post/haste

Pershing Square, 42nd street and Park Avenue opposite Grand Central terminal.

BURGER NAME: Sirloin Burger, $12 (Or $15 with fries. Criminals.)

FIRST IMPRESSION: Looked clean and edible.

APPEARANCE: Booooooring. They didn't seem to care much about that eating with your eyes thing.

MEAT: Sirloin. Good.

BUN: Little stale. Toasted well but just dried out the burger more.

PACKAGE: not greatly impressed at all, just bored.

TASTE: Meat and swiss cheese were very good together, not enough bells and whistles were not at all exciting.

DRIPPYNESS: Just like this review, the drippyness was average. Everything about this burger was average. Average sucks, and Mister Hamburger doesn't like average. I mean if I hate something then it is good to review and vent over the horrid experience, and if I loved the burger, then I can write a blow job piece. Mister Hamburger swears never to write another review about an average burger, unless I feel like it. Or I get paid.

MEAT TEXTURE : Impressed with the texture at least, though the fuck who over cooked it is still getting the hamburger and chain.

MEAT COLOR: Great color - i mean for a change it looked like I was actually eating meat.

SIZE: Pretty average. I mean it was big, but minus the all important bells and whistles, it just didn't cut it.

VALUE: Far too expensive. I think it is one of those annoying NYC things though - where you pay for rent; and I mean who the fuck does not want to sit right next to one of Manhattans busiest thoroughfares. Dicks.

COOKED TO SPECS: As ALWAYS I asked for medium rare and those fuckers gave me a medium. I mean how hard is it to cook a burger medium rare when you're a professional burger flipper? Morons. Mister Hamburger thinks that they should be given a ball and burger type thing until they learn how to cook. Like a big steel hamburger and a chain for their foot, and when they can cook to specs, then it will be given to the next chef who has ruined Mister Hamburgers day.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: I couldn't see or taste any real love. Maybe some passion, but he just seemed bored. Like Mister Hamburger eating it.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Bitches. Total fucking bitches. Average racks.

ONE HOUR LATER: Felt really good.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: My colleague said the pickles were good. All they gave us though was some lettuce a slice of tomato and a pickle. No fries - $12 for a fucking burger that is so boring it makes you want to fall asleep and no fries for additional head rest?

FINAL IMPRESSION: Hard to enjoy because we were being eaten alive by bugs and mozzies. So much itching it was crazy. The burger was cool, but $12 was steep for it. Nothing really great about it. For $8 I would have been happy and given it three burgers. Paying rent at this stupid place and guessing it is full of suits most of the time. If mediocrity and hanging out with cock knockers in suits is your thing, then you'll love Pershing Square.

in-n-out | mister hamburger • post/haste

IN-N-OUT BURGER, FISHERMAN'S WHARF, SAN FRANCISCO

BURGER NAME: Number 2 - Cheeseburger, fries and a drink.

FIRST IMPRESSION: Store was packed to capacity with asshole tourists like myself.

APPEARANCE: Looked fresh and exciting.

MEAT: Good meat flavor, char grilled on edges and med rare in the middle. Good.

BUN: Toasted really well, perfect size for the contents and patty.

PACKAGE: Looked like something from a 1960's film. Stupid bright reds and yellows and weird neon shit all over the place. Food all looked fresh and edible.

TASTE: I was expecting the best burger ever, and the one I had was good, but not like old homestead. Was still a shit hot burger though for a fast food joint - the best as far as that goes.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect amount so that it did not cover my hands in grease and fat and enough so it was moist and delicious. Yeah.

MEAT TEXTURE : Very good. They say they never freeze any of their ingredients which seems to make a difference.

MEAT COLOR: Looked like real meat. In-n-Out burger has good colorists.

SIZE: Perfect amount for lunch. Maybe to many fries, but I don't feel bad having to throw them in the bin like I do throwing a burger.

VALUE: For the flavor and the package it was great

COOKED TO SPECS:

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: I couldn't taste it but it was there. I knew. I could feel it.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: Weirdo californians on too much prozac serving. Friendly and quick. Food took 20 minutes to be cooked though which was not fast. Like French fast food which isn't fast at all.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Good milkshakes.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Mister Hamburger loves.

les halles | mister hamburger • post/haste

Les Halles , Park Avenue btwn 28th &29th

BURGER NAME: HAMBURGER ROSSINI, "ground to order, char grilled, slice of home made foie gras terrine melting on top, dip of black truffle and red wine sauce, $21.00"

FIRST IMPRESSION: It had foie gras on top which generally means 5 burgers automatically in the Mister Hamburger rating system, but it was missing cheese.

APPEARANCE: Beautiful.

MEAT: Beautiful.

BUN: A tiny bit to thick on the top, but otherwise incredible.

PACKAGE: Beautiful.

TASTE: The foie gras was so fucking good on the meat and squashed all over it when i was eating. Brilliant. The red wine sauce was a phenomenal, strong sauce and the truffle flavor was not dominating as it so often is in foods. Would have gotten 5 burgers should they have put cheese on the bottom of the burger. not on the top because it would ruin the foie gras.

DRIPPYNESS: Perfect. Not to messy so it was disgusting or made the bun soggy, and enough drippyness for it to be a real burger.

MEAT TEXTURE : un-fucking-beleivable. They ground it just for me, special meat for Mister Hamburger, Mister Hamburger loves. I also tried some of the raw hamburger meat (steak tartar that Alex ordered) and it was crazy.

MEAT COLOR: Les Halles always has incredible meat, and the burger was no exception.

SIZE: HUGE. So big i was tired for 3 hours from digesting it. I should not have eaten all of it but i couldn't waste the foie gras. I couldn't finish the fries.

VALUE: Before I became an alien I balked at $20 for a hamburger, but Mister Hamburger learned fast and doesn't mind kicking down up to $75 for a hamburger if it is a special occasion. $20 hamburgers are for dinner, not lunch and definitely not hangover brunches.

COOKED TO SPECS: Perfect. They are geniuses at Les Halles. If I ever make Mister Hamburger awards, they are getting a gold hamburger hat.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF: Gold Hamburger hat.

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: She was nice.

ONE HOUR LATER: Bloated. I should have just licked all the foie gras off the burger and not finished the rest.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Some of the greatest fries on the planet and it looked like fresh salad.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Even though a man should never have best friends, Mister Hamburger wants to be best friends with Tony Bourdain.

burger king | mister hamburger • post/haste

BURGER KING, 5th Avenue btwn 35th and 36th

BURGER NAME: Whopper with cheese value meal

FIRST IMPRESSION: Just when you think the scale of class in America could not drop at a lower level, you enter a Burger King. The fucking trash that inhabits these places throughout the union seems to have had their annual meeting in the BK near my house. The fat white fuck in the corner with nowhere else to go, desperate not to risk going outside into the heat should he accidentally sweat off one of his hundreds of pounds; the illiterate homegirls marching up the counter oblivious to the line and without saying a word waving some sticky wet voucher for a free burger in the workers face; and the freaks mooching about and cackling at seemingly nothing making everyone nervous.

APPEARANCE: Looked like it had been warmed up under the fat cracker in the corner for a half hour.

MEAT: The only saving grace of the burger. Over processed meat cooked to the high fast food standards, or about 3 minutes under the grill.

BUN: Not toasted enough and really dry which discounts the theory in Appearance.

PACKAGE: Mister hamburger gives it one burger because he was thirsty and it was hot outside. The Fanta was ice cold and enormous.

TASTE:

DRIPPYNESS: The strength of BK over McDonald's is that awesome sauce they use. I don't know what it's called but it is the runny white stuff. This burger did not have enough of that stuff, and the meat was pretty dry too. For the first time I had a burger that didn't have enough drippyness.

MEAT TEXTURE: Fast food joints are great for the texture. Every patty is exactly the same.

MEAT COLOR: Again, every fast food joint has the same grey colored meat. Kind of freaks me out, the whole grey meat thing.

SIZE: Too big.

VALUE: A lot of food but not enough for two separate sittings.

COOKED TO SPECS: I'd give it 5 burgers, but they fucked up the burger itself. You know exactly what your getting normally at McDonalds or places like that, but when they give you stale shit it's really bad.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: I'd give it less if i could. The dipshits behind the counter couldn't orchestrate my order and the homey trying to claim her free burger with the voucher that actually read 'free small soda'. At one point there were four idiots staring at the register with one brain cell between them and a manager trying to work out how I might be able to pay. Totally fucking useless.

ONE HOUR LATER: No problems, maybe a little sugar high.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: Stale fries, though as I said the drink was ice cold like Graham's beers in Vanimo.

viva las hamburguesas | joanna • post/haste

Mister Hamburger ran into a dear old friend at the Puerto Rican Day Parade...

He's too busy contemplating hamburgers to offer any comment other than that he gave the parade , and the encounter, .

moonstruck diner | mister hamburger • post/haste

MOONSTRUCK, 38th and Mad, HOME DELIVERY

BURGER NAME: Cheese burger deluxe (with fries)

FIRST IMPRESSION: ugly as hell. stupid onion rings on the side pressed into the bun leaving stinky ring marks on bun. fries flaccid and undercooked. squished into a stupid little cardboard type of box thing in a bag with about 4000 ketchup packages per burger and 6000 salt sachets. lost count of napkins and knives and forks at 9,768. who the fuck wants to eat a burger wit a knofe and fork? cunts.

APPEARANCE
MEAT: good black on top and bottom from grill
BUN: "at least the bun fits the burger" says joanna, which is about all you can say about them.

TASTE
MEAT:
BUN:
PACKAGE:

DRIPPYNESS:

MEAT TEXTURE : at least it is not full of gristle

MEAT COLOR: looks normal.

SIZE: huge. enormous.

VALUE: could feed a homeless man for 3 days happily.

COOKED TO SPECS: the meat is done to med rare well, but everything else slips out of the burger and the fries suck.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: service from people there is shocking and delivery takes forever.

ONE HOUR LATER: wondering why i ordered from they again.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: fries suck. onion rings are rejected by the beagle. they should be anyway. disgusting.

FINAL IMPRESSION: i always swear never to go back and then find myself on the phone with them again ordering the same crap.

barbes | mister hamburger • post/haste

Barbes - BURGERS AT LUNCH ONLY 36TH BTWN MAD AND 5TH

BURGER NAME: BURGER MAISON, $13 AS PART OF PRIX FIX BRUNCH

FIRST IMPRESSION: , nice looking resto, great friendly service, great brunch deal, really cheap. $13 for two courses and we got free drinks because we are nice people.

APPEARANCE
MEAT:
BUN: served in a baguette which is custom cut for the burger.
PACKAGE:

TASTE:
MEAT: little heavy on the meat side, but was of high quality.
BUN: too small for burger.
PACKAGE: three separate plates with burger, extras, fries and ketchup.

DRIPPYNESS: dripped everywhere.

MEAT TEXTURE : patty too thick

MEAT COLOR:

SIZE: patty a little large for bun and couldn't finish the entire thing.

VALUE: should have taken the rest home to eat later seeing as i am ordering another burger for dinner now.

COOKED TO SPECS: did not ask how i wanted meat done.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: excellent service. only place in nyc where they actually give two shits about what the customer thinks with exception of per se.

ONE HOUR LATER:

BELLS AND WHISTLES: lettuce, tomatoes and onions served on side to add yourself. Fries were good. Joanna liked them more than anything ever. cooked Crispy style where they're crunchy. Perfect amount of salt.

FINAL IMPRESSION: just for the great service. the appetizer salad was fucking awesome. blue cheese, some crazy champagne dressing and weird salad thing called endives.

jackson hole | mister hamburger • post/haste

JACKSON HOLE, 521 3RD AVENUE (35TH ST) 212 679 3264

BURGER NAME: Western burger. BBQ sauce, 7 oz. patty, bacon, cheese, fried sloppy onions.

FIRST IMPRESSION: fries, salad stuff, and burger were squashed rudely into a round tin holding thing with a plastic lid to show you how bad they looked squashed. reminded me of when jersey sluts press their tits up against the windows of the bus when they have a field trip in winter.

APPEARANCE:
MEAT: grey look and the edges were not charred.
BUN: soggy as hell on the bottom so it felt weird to hold. top was alright
PACKAGE:

TASTE:
MEAT: tasted like meat. just didn't look like it.
BUN: soggy and could have been toasted.

DRIPPYNESS: only a little drippy, but whole think was soggy so i think all the drops fell out on the way to the apartment.

MEAT TEXTURE :

MEAT COLOR: grey.

SIZE: huge. as big as a beagles head. maybe bigger.

VALUE: could feed a homeless man for about 2 days.

COOKED TO SPECS: did not char the top and bottom, and seems middle was not med rare, medium instead.

AMOUNT OF LOVE FROM CHEF:

FROM DELIVERY PERSON/WAITER: friendly.

ONE HOUR LATER: No feeling of sickness.

BELLS AND WHISTLES: fries were crap. soggy and thick. i hate fat fries. i like the ones like mc donalds or the refried mcdonalds fries at coffee shop.

FINAL IMPRESSION: Am not ordering from there again soon.

introducing mister hamburger • post/haste

Two-twenty is pleased to introduce our new columnist:

We'll let him speak for himself.