two-twenty

Katie Holmes' Auditing Session • post/haste

According to the Cult of Scientology, the mind retains the memory of trauma in the form of engrams. During an auditing session, the events are recalled, and an e-meter registers the pain from the past, helping the person become clear. In this totally fake auditing session, Katie Holmes grows one step closer to... Tom Cruise.

Katie Holmes' Auditing Session (mp3)

The Transcript:

Auditor: Can you tell me about the time of sorrow?

Katie: Without him I feel his arms around me. The world around me changes and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.

Auditor: Thank you very much, your needle is floating now.

Katie: The world is full of happiness that I have never known. I love him, I love him, I love him.

p.s.
That is actually Katie Holmes singing.

bite the pillow sham, bitch • post/haste

In reading today's Newsweek article on Martha Stewart's stay in the joint, two-twenty learned what gay men who are addicted to HBO's penitentiary drama "OZ" already know: prison sex is hott!

We pulled a few choice quotes for you:

"We went to lean against the visiting-room wall for a modified version of the yoga pose called 'downward-facing dog', from which she seamlessly moved into a headstand."
- Martha Stewart Living editor Margaret Roach

"The fact is, the American public loves a great come... And her story is even more compelling now.""
- NBC TV chief Jeff Zucker

Okay, fine, "comeback". He said "comeback."

Martha Breaks Out | Newsweek on msnbc.com

big ups and beat downs: gawker edition • post/haste

Is there irony in an irregularly updated and only debatably clever website passing judgment on one of the most successful web logs, like, evah? That is a question that can only be answered by a question: is there irony in an Alanis Morisette song? Regardless, because we care, a few Big Ups and Beat Downs directed at blogospheric behemoth Gawker Media:

1. Big Ups to Flintlock Pistol for his new position as time keeping drum beater on the corporate viking slave ship that is Gawker Media. Keep making us WASPs look good!

2. Related News: Big Ups to former slave driving drum beater and former former Gawker editor Ckhouirrye on his gig as Editor of Sorts at the most famous non-existent magazine ever. Well, maybe the second most famous. After "American Bitch".

3. Big Ups to Gawker Media and lifehacker for their $25,000 per month advertising sponsorship agreement with Sony. Says AdAge: "...media pros are buzzing about whether the Sony-Gawker pricing begins to define buys on high-profile blogs going forward."

4. Related News: A mild Beat Down comes from the same above-linked AdAge article: "...two of Mr. Denton's latest blog launches were flops. Kinja.com, which was about weird stuff on the Web, and Kitaku.com, which was for an audience of video-game freaks..." It's always sad when weird freaky stuff doesn't catch on.

5. Big Ups to Gawker.com for exposing the lurid, kinky, downright dirty side of what was supposed to be the cleanest Super Bowl ever: Fox and U.S. troops love football and digital penetration of the anus. What's that? You don't get it? Well, see, the "shocker" is... Ummm, Urban Dictionary? Can you field this one? We're no prudes, but double penetration has a way of making even interracial semi-topless canoodling look tame.

6. Lastly, we are forced by circumstances beyond our control to give a stern Beat Down to Gawker.com. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. We are certain that you are a very nice person. But lady, you just plain ain't been funny lately. Are you sure you have little enough to lose to be doing this? Do you need inspiration? Hott tip: Monkeys are always funny!

that's hot • post/haste

As dear Winona once taught us, shoplifting is hot (this is a corollary to the "any publicity is good publicity" law of Hollywood). But let's face it, that was then... This is 2005, baby, and we want our thievery dressed in thigh-highs; we want a little pudenda with our purloined property.

Today, we discover a highly evolved hybrid trend: meta porn shoplifting. This v. v. hott, v. v. neuw trend involves grabbing a (preferably "unauthorized") sex tape of oneself and storming loudly out of a store, all in full view of security cameras (as everyone knows by now, it's always better on camera). As with all most excellent trends, at its inception it can only be adopted by a select few. Proving once again that she has her finger on the pulse of public puerility (and who knows where else that finger has been?), credit for inventing this startlingly innovative and sublimely self-referential act goes to -- who else? -- Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton to Face Charges of Theft and Vandalism? | celebrityjustice.com (via Salon)

drowning in the shallow end • post/haste

How lame to re-enter the blogosphere by linking to a Page Six item that has already been linked to by Gawker, right? Baby steps, people.

The whole Abigail (Spath) Vona / Doug Dechert train wreck nearly roused enough righteous indignation to prompt a post, but we were laughing too hard to type coherently. Nice one, Doug, you're a real gentleman. As a good friend of mine is fond of saying, "Sleaze is so in this year." Speaking of which, Salon follows up last week's slavering review of Jenna Jameson's new book with an interview with the Miss Vona in question.

Sorry, back to the Page Six item in question... does there exist a sentence more vile than the following?

"Not even the drowning death of a crew member on a yacht where Usher's mom, Jonnetta Paton, hosted a "Welcome to Miami" party for her son could dampen the high spirits at the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami."

Oh, wait, there does exist such a sentence(!):

"No one noticed he was missing until the morning. Rochel's body was discovered Saturday afternoon about 100 yards from the yacht, washed up on the rocky shore near the chichi Fisher Island Beach Club, where diners had eaten lunch unaware of the nearby corpse... When PAGE SIX's Tom Sykes asked Usher about the death at his post-VMA party at Ian Schrager's Shore Club, the star said he didn't know anything, and added, 'I'm not responsible.'"

Yeah, yeah, that's three sentences, so sue me. Doug Dechert probably will.

Drowning Mars VMA Bashes | NY Post (via Gawker)

dammit, my jo can out-ho j. lo • post/haste

Surprising no one, Janet Jackson recently announced that she suffers from acute schizophrenia. Her multiple personalities include "Strawberry", "the most sexual of them all; the wildest," and "Damita Jo", who is "quick to put you in your place." In other words, it makes perfect sense that she would pull a wildly sexually inappropriate publicity stunt during one of the nation's most-watched television events, and then lash out at the media for singling her out and persecuting her with the hours of airtime and miles of column-inches they devoted to her. That about-face had nothing to do with hypocritical narcisssism, or even damage control, people, it's her personality. Er, personalities. Perhaps it runs in the family...

Janet Says She Has a Sexual Mind | msn entertainment

jules and jules • post/haste

After reading Page Six's announcement of Julian Casablanca's engagement to assistant band manager Juliet Joslin (via gawker), we had to take a look at the "presumptive Mrs. Casablancas". Here she is, in a still nabbed from The Strokes' video for "Someday":

Doesn't she look a little like Yoanna, the second season winner of America's Next Top Model?

Eh. Whatever.

olsen twins: v.v. hott on les • post/haste

This is pop culture happening, boys and girls, right before your very eyes. Courtesy of your local blogging community (via lindsayism):

"They're mini-moguls - like what Oprah would be if she were two little white girls."

straddling ewan • post/haste

Ewan McGregor, perhaps best known for displaying his light saber in multiple films (well, to some), is about to set out on a three-month long motorcycle journey around the world with his friend Charley Boorman. The easy riders, who have been training with former SAS soldiers to ensure that they're up to whatever rough spots they hit on the road, will document their voyage through Russia, Alaska and the United States. Two-twenty is guessing that it'll only be a matter of time before the duo are joined a la Forrest Gump by a wake of women motorcycle enthusiasts. (Joanna, what are you doing? You don't know how to ride a motorcycle. Yeah, we know you've freeze-framed Velvet Goldmine, like, a hundred times, but he's not gonna take his pants off in this one. No, we're not sure, but... fine. Go.)

will the bride wear white? will the bride wear anything? • post/haste

Today's 3am report in the Mirror breaks Christina Aguilera's engagement to boyfriend Jordan Bratman. The couple apparently met last October at a management meeting, and have since been spotted at various sporting events and shopping malls. But don't for a moment think Bratman's taken the X out of Xtina: on one of their recent dates the chanteuse(!) followed up a visit to an Elton John concert with a trip to titty-bar Jaguar's on the Vegas, uh, strip. There Miss Thang not only supposedly kicked down two grand for lapdances, but held a dance-off with one of the ladies.

Two-twenty heartily congratulates the happy couple, and looks forward to paparazzi photos displaying a wedding ceremony reflective of their shared taste for tastelessness.

anti-anti-depressants • post/haste

It appears that some of our favorite mood-enhancers -- including the ever-popular Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and Wellbutrin -- may not be so helpful after all (msn.com). The FDA has suddenly decided that these and other commonly prescribed anti-depressants can actually increase the chances of a prescribee becoming suicidal.  

According to the article on msn.com: "Doctors, patients, and family members should be on the lookout for any symptoms of mania, including feeling extremely happy... inflated self-esteem, not needing as much sleep as usual, talking, or being more active than usual."

Um, right, so if you see any signs of your depression lifting, try to stay away from razor blades for awhile. FYI, two-twenty has found that alcohol is a very effective suicide deterrent. Generally, we are either too happily, sloppily drunk to even contemplate suicide, or so hungover that we lack the motor skills necessary to tie an electrical cord into a noose.

the true dangers of pirated music, or, killing me not so softly • post/haste

Some crazy chick allegedly killed her boyfriend with her iPod. Our God, like Mel Gibson's, is a cruel and vengeful one. So don't fucking fuck with him. (via the nothing i know).

belaboring, obviously • post/haste

Gee, those poor folks over at MTV just can't seem to catch a break. Or they're not offering their workers enough coffee breaks, or someone's threatening to break someone else's legs, or something. Whatever the case, MTV and the proletariat are clearly not getting along. First, there was the rumor of a strike at the MTV Headquarters' cafeteria. Then one of the most spoiled, drunken, and arrest-prone casts ever (two-twenty hearts you!) to appear on The Real World threatened to quit their cushy job. Finally, today the AP reports that the next iteration of the show will not be shot in Philadelphia due to a labor dispute. Reality's a bitch.

Incidentally, while researching this item we dug up an article from the daily newspaper of two-twenty's alma mater. In it, a dear young girl says the following: "Frankie is alternative -- she boasts more than once to having met her current boyfriend in the back of a porn shop -- yet she also has a good head on her shoulders." Hahahahahahahaha! Ah, out of the mouths of babes.

the hunter becomes the hunted • post/haste

Are we so hard up for celebrity sightings in NYC that we have resorted to stalking certain web-based authoresses of dubious provenance? In yet another massively meta moment provided free-of-charge by the interworldwidenetosphere, gawker stalks a former iteration of itself:

I saw Elizabeth Spiers in the bathroom at New York magazine. She's a lot smaller than I thought she'd be.

Maybe we are that hard up, seeing as said edition of gawker stalker included not one but two Vincent Gallo sightings, not one but two Sean Lennon sightings, a Kathy Lee sighting, and so many Strokes that we nearly climaxed.

the hair club for penn • post/haste

Could Sean Penn be taking another swipe at his former friend Nicolas Cage? IMDb reports that Penn now credits his success to his hair -- something Cage, who Penn criticized back in 1991 by stating he was "no longer an actor", has been losing steadily for years. Penn was quoted as saying, "All the training I've received is based on finding things internally and pulling them to the surface. Then I began trusting that those things would be there. But now I consider myself to really be a hair actor...". We're hoping Cage comes back with something along the lines of, "Sean Penn is Sam."

A "hair actor". Please. That is so retarded.

minor report • post/haste

The Mirror reports that Colin Farrell almost hooked up with Lindsay Lohan, the chick from Freaky Friday, but bailed on the date after she told him she was just seventeen years old. "Thanks," he supposedly said, "maybe in a year or so."

In the meantime, Colin can console himself with one of Lindsay's, like, totally cute t-shirts:

COLIN DOES HAVE MORALS AFTER ALL | Mirror.co.uk

brevity is the soul of wit • post/haste

Wonkette may have summed up the whole surreal media (non)circus surrounding THE NAME as succinctly as possible. At the end of a post about the Observer article we mentioned below (titled "Alex Polier, Insta-Celebster"), she links to it as "[whatsherface], Insta-Celebster [NYO]".

Wringing of Hands Watch: We Didn't Realize a Salmon-Colored Paper Could Blush | Wonkette

many middle-aged ghosts in the machine • post/haste

Related to the below item: Friendster has been either down or incredibly slow for much of last night and this morning. Coincidence? Two-twenty postulates that tens of thousands of 40- and 50-something journalists, political types, and curiosity-seekers are busily trying to create profiles and networks intersecting with Miss Polier. Don't expect this to end any time soon, as these people will surely come for the Polier, but stay for the twenty-something potpourri. Can we create a news story that sends them all over to craigslist casual encounters where they belong?

Note: we realize that in order to report this v. v. important speculative "news" item to you, our faithful readers, we must also acknowledge that we have repeatedly tried to log in to Friendster over the course of last night and this morning. Research, people.

funny but not funny ha ha • post/haste

A quick sex-scandal-that-very-nearly-was update: Wonkette relays the fact that Lloyd Grove used Alex Polier's Friendster page as a "source". Two-twenty would like to mention that we found THE PAGE, like, ages ago and actually didn't use it because it felt kind of, well, creepy. If you have ever wondered about our ethics, perhaps here is a clue to their nature: when it stops being funny and starts being creepy, we're out. Unless there's a lot of money involved, when we have been known to cross the good touch / bad touch line. Metaphorically speaking, that is. Perhaps we've said too much.

Also, an abridged late night television report, scandalous edition: Letterman made one off-hand remark along the lines of (this is paraphrased), "some Kerry intern thing that may or may not have happened, we don't know." Conan made a full-on, Monica-referencing intern sex joke in his monologue, but it was so lame we have forced ourselves to forget it. Related news: Nicole Richie was on Jimmy Kimmel, and she is still totally nuts. In response to a female audience member's heckling Nicole threatened offered to 'preg test' her (a reference to when Nicole shoved her arm elbow-deep in a cow's hoo-ha on The Simple Life, remember?). We have decided that her face looks oddly Picasso-esque, like things aren't quite put in the right place in an effort to add a third dimension to what essentially is a two-dimensional image.

Sorry, a little Nicole tangent there. Here's an interesting article in the Observer about the whole Polier cewebrity (groan) phenom: Alex Polier, Insta-Celebster. The story uses Polier's Friendster page as its primary source, but somehow their fancy talk and big ideas give the story a veneer of non-creepiness. Still, publicly announcing that Polier's favorite movies include "Die Hard" and "Jerry Maguire" does seem a bit mean-spirited. Dammit, now we've done it too. Maybe she was being ironic?

no sex scandal no cry • post/haste

Thousands, nay hundreds, nay literally dozens of people are clamoring for two-twenty’s position on the short-lived Kerry sex scandal and how its portrayal (or lack thereof) in the media will affect the future of journalism as we know it. We have a few things to say on the subject:

• Firstly, we would like to reiterate that we are aware neither of any homemade sex tapes nor of any affairs with presidential hopefuls involving one Rachel Federman. We assume that she is a perfectly upstanding member of society, and also like to think that she is way hotter than Alex Polier.

• You know what’s funny? When everyone is aware of something and talking about it privately to the point where it bubbles over and becomes essentially public knowledge but some people, making claims about propriety and respectability, remain publicly mute while still nattering away behind semi-closed doors. It’s like that time at your Uncle’s third wedding when everyone knew that you and the bride’s daughter had been fucking like bunnies on acid ever since the rehearsal dinner. That was uncomfortable for you, wasn’t it? But let us all remember—you got more pussy that weekend than you had for a year. So how bad was it, really? In the above scenario, no one is meant to represent Rachel Federman. Matt Drudge is the bunny on acid, obvs.

• Unsubstantiated rumors are not appropriate subjects for mainstream journalism. You, know, rumors like Iraq has WMDs, Saddam is about to push the button, non-Western governments are aligned in an Axis of Evil, that kind of stuff.

• The Internetowwwebosphere is a perfectly appropriate place for rumors. In fact, it is the glue that holds the whole damn thing together. Case in point: over the weekend you could come to this site to do one of two things: look at a picture of Paris Hilton taking a money shot to her naked, heaving bosom, or read a name. Thousands came to read the unsubstantiated name, but very few came to view the, er, substance as it splashed across Paris’ well-trodden well-proven rack.

• For the record, we doubt anything really happened here. We’re not saying it’s impossible, we’re just saying we doubt it. It seems too improbable that a man whom critics deride as not being passionate enough would give in to passion while concurrently planning his campaign for President. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that even the possibility of anything having happened will matter quite a lot to a certain group of people: the hard-core Christian right. Which means that Bush’s base has been reinforced whether Kerry basely reinforced a bush or not, if you know what we mean.

• Lastly, noted political analyst and presidential advisor Ben Affleck was not available to offer Kerry counsel today, as he was too busy fucking a gaggle of cheap strippers down at Daytona Beach (see how much fun this unsubstantiated rumor thing can be?). Thankfully, two-twenty is here to pick up the slack. Kerry: you need to come out and forthrightly deny this to the American people. Why? Because the discussion about how this story proliferated in the media is an important and valid one, and it will happen. In fact, it already is. If you can plausibly deny the allegations rumors, then the question debated will be “How could such a patently false story worm its way through back-alley blogs and British tabloids to end up in the mainstream media?” Otherwise, there will always exist a kernel of possible truth every time the subject arises, and each time it does you will be painted with just a dab of sex scandal paint, until by dint of your inaction your nice suit has been completely ruined. That’s a dry-cleaning bill we wouldn’t want to have.

why stop now? • post/haste

You know what this is?

Irrelevant. You know what this is? Your tax dollars at work.

Pic of 'JFK' sex storm girl | thesun.co.uk

sex scandal smorgasbord • post/haste

Ha ha ha. Ha. Neil Strauss has had a certian buzz about him on the interwebosphere recently, but let us not forget about the man who made Neil the sex machine he is today: Mystery. Here's a link to his website, which breaks down the "venusian arts": The Mystery Method. A sample of what to expect:

MM is comprised of all my most popular venusian arts concepts: The 3 second rule, group theory (social dynamics) including pawning, solid game vs. fool's mate, neg theory, peacock theory, indirect stackable openers, hoop theory, cat theory, multiple thread theory, active testing for IOIs (indicators of interest), LMR (last minute resistance) tactics, and more.

Speaking of scary sexy things, the free Paris video has already been taken down. Sorry. We have it, if you want you can come over and watch it. Bring beer. From the "you can thank us later" department: at least we saved you the money shot.

In related news, we would like to point out that, as far as we know, Rachel Federman has never been in a homemade porn video. Nor, again as far as we know, has she ever slept with Sen. Kerry. Oops. On the other hand, Alex Polier. Alex Polier Alex Polier Alex Polier. We will not take the low road and link to THE NAME while debating whether or not one should speak THE NAME. Rather, we will take the even lower, gutter-level road and speak/write/shout THE NAME in the streets. And mention that we spake it last night, bitch.

We feel a little bit trashy today. And it feels good.

ps we will be voting for kerry come november. and if it turns out that there is any truth to this rumor, we will vote for him even harder. and we will definitely buy a Polier handbag or scarf when they arrive at a store near us.

the whole goddamn paris hilton video - free! • post/haste

We feel very dirty. That is all.

Oh, one more thing, you'll need the latest DivXXX codec. Good luck trying to see the files on a Mac (we couldn't).

Downloads are here (use download link to disk), and are NOT locally hosted:

one
two
three
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five

rachel! shelly! kerry! (we are deep throat and we can too) • post/haste

This just in from our aforementioned Greenwich Village spy:

220,

Based on what (names withheld) could remember, the girl that lived in 10
Jones was named Shelly Federman, who was moving to Israel. Based on the
Drudge report on the intern, the girl fled the country. So, if some Rachel's
are known as Shelly, then here is the intern everyone is looking for:

Specifically:

"Rachel Federman, junior partner, interned for U.S. Senator John Kerry as an
assistant to the Environmental Issues Manager and has been a freelance
consultant to firms devoted to proposal writing and special event planning
for nonprofit organizations. Her grassroots experience includes serving as
lead organizer for her town's Earth Day Committee."

Company launced[sic]

two-twenty exclusive! on kerry sex scandal! in new york! • post/haste

One of our Greenwich Village spies says the New York Post was poking around Jones Street looking for the apartment of one Alexandra Polier... who or may not have had an affair with Senator John Kerry! She's in her mid twenties and blond... and may be an intern! So if you hear about it... you heard it here first!

even his sex scandal is boring • post/haste

Bet Salon wishes they hadn't "sexed up" (sorry, that's a British term, ask Eurotrash) Kerry now, eh? Still, two-twenty's gut says this dog won't hunt.

CAMPAIGN DRAMA ROCKS DEMOCRATS: KERRY FIGHTS OFF MEDIA PROBE OF RECENT ALLEGED INFIDELITY, RIVALS PREDICT RUIN | Drudge Report
We're Already Tired of This Story: Kerry's Sex Life | Wonkette

this can only end badly • post/haste

So, the Grammy's were last night. The only interesting things they produced, as far as we can figure out, were one of those beautiful accusatory apologies from Justin (you remember, you used to hear them all the time from your favorite passive/aggressive ex-boy/girlfriend), and this:

photo from yahoo.com

We're sorry if the thought of a Vicodin and Red Bull-fueled sapphic orgy, all bright red collagen-injected lips and bony ass and Courtney passing out slick-faced between Paris' thighs as she mugs for the nightvision camera... we're sorry if that makes you spew your fat-free muffin all over your keyboard.

It's not us, it's you.

ps: for more insightful thoughts (read: thoughts from someone who actually watched the show), try here.

miss usa, brought to you by stoli and red bull • post/haste

Bad ideas just seem to happen when Sam Solovey (late of The Apprentice) is around. Could this (second item) have anything to do with this (latter via Gawker)?

heinz-kerrys are the new hiltons • post/haste

We are not sure why, but Salon has decided to do an expose on the Heinz and Kerry families (referred to as the "Heinz-Kerrys"), calling them "a roiling mass of beauty, brains and bad temper." Um, ok.

Apparently, sometimes the Heinz-Kerrys use swear words. One of the Heinz boys once dated Gwyneth (who is herself quite the wildchild what with the marriage and the bun-in-the-oven and all), and another "is a reclusive Pennsylvania Buddhist who runs a school for wayward kids and is... [sensationally leading ellipse theirs] a blacksmith." Zounds! Daughter Alexandra Kerry is... a filmmaker!

Is this left-leaning Salon's attempt to spice up Kerry and get the pro-boob flash vote on board? Perhaps, as they end the piece thusly: "So far, allowing us to see this bunch of loons up close has only made their dull patriarch -- the man who may be elected president -- more palatable." Mmm... palatable loons.

Full disclosure: as two or three readers may remember, two-twenty once knew Alex Kerry, way back in our prep school daze. Due to the huge amounts of drugs and alcohol we imbibe on a daily basis, we barely remember anything about her. Regardless, we are very happy to hear how exciting and scandalously fabulous her life has become.

Is America ready for the wild Kerry family? | Salon

coincidence is the hob-bloglin of small minds • post/haste

See anyone you might recognize here? Lawyer-proof (er, right, like anyone looking at this either cares enough - or can afford - to hire a lawyer) unfounded hypothesis: ultragrrrl meets ikeepadiary in the Gothamist featured personal of the day:

Gothamist: continuing their crusade against anonymous blogging. Two-twenty: continuing to have too much time on our hands.

tit the new ass, nipple shield the new thong • post/haste

Paris' publicists are out in force this week. Cindy Adams reports that Paris Hilton is trying to rustle herself up a book deal. Is this hott new gossip? No.

Lloyd Grove gives us a bit more juice, with reference to "shrinking-violet" sister Nicky and an apparently dead-on-the-vine Simple Life season two - in Alaska. Wait, Fox already did that show. It was called Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska. As they say, no buzz.

Two-twenty thinks publicists everywhere are feeling a little bit of extra pressure this week; pressure to live up to the recent extravagant successes garnered by the publicity teams behind Janet's right teat, J.Sim, and Joyce Wadler's back.

sperm whales are the new black • post/haste

An anonymous, giggle-stifling fott sends us a report on today's Fashion Group International Rising Star Awards Luncheon here in Manhattan:

...It was just like my second-fave episode of AbFab, except it wasn't meant to be funny. As the 7th Ave. rag hags squinted into the Waldorf's teleprompters, I couldn't help thinking, "Jesus H. Christ - does no one read these scripts beforehand?!" One of the presenters, Alan Flusser (author of the timeless classic "Dressing The Man") was forced to keep a straight face while reading the following: "...His fall/winter 2003-2004 collection was inspired by Alaska, with its majestic glaciers and playful sperm whales."

The jokes are bumping into one another and having trouble getting out. "Majestic glaciers and playful sperm whales"... sounds like a roomful of UES trophies and their drunkenly-pawing husbands. Speaking of, well, er, other presenters included Patricia Field, CNN anchor Soledad O'Brien, and "plus size" model Emme. 'Nuff said.

dirty bitchy things • post/haste

Popbitch returns after a month-long hiatus. As usual, they bring us the good, the bad, and the ugly:

Good news: "Patrick Swayze has an Arabian costume he wears for sex games with his wife," and, Raver Porn (uh, not work safe).

Bad news: "The film version of Knight Rider now looks sadly unlikely. David Hasslehoff says 'Up to now the film company has found all the suggestions terrible.'"

Just plain ugly: "During one of Nick [Carter]'s gigs [his younger brother] Aaron started to hump a young girl against the wall backstage in front of all the lighting and sound technicians. When the sound guys complained, Aaron's only response was 'Whatever' as he just kept banging away."

Thank you, Popbitch. We missed you.

bush twin powers... activate! • post/haste

Two-twenty totally hearts the Bush twins. In fact, they were the subject of our very first post those many long, er, weeks ago. Fucking johnny-come-latelies.

Today, Ron Mwangaguhunga shares the love by breaking down Star Magazine's profile of Jenna and Babs. Here's hoping that the pressures of an election year spawn irrational behavior on the Twins' part, as well as the press scrutiny necessary to properly document it.

The Youth Gone Wild | The Corsair

mickey's widemouth sailing team | alex • post/haste

This half of two-twenty must admit a dirty little secret – I am a sailor. That’s right, by night I am a city-dweller, replete with literary interests and aspirations, more or less tolerable taste in music, and a socially acceptable but tremendous drinking problem. By day (at least during certain spring and summer months) I am a WASPy creature ruled by the wind and the sea, wearing khaki shorts and the occasional blazer, surrounded by too much reggae and sporadic bursts of Jimmy Buffet (not of my own free will, I assure you), and burdened by a socially acceptable but tremendous drinking problem. So sue me. There are worse hobbies one could have, like collecting imaginary girlfriends, being a plushie, or blogging. Dammit.

Moving on. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that my two worlds would collide. But they have, and the resulting wreck is called The Real World: San Diego. The show began under a dark cloud of rumored date rape, and has already begun to live up to these foreshadowings of scandal. I started watching because I had a passing interest in the participants’ day job, which is crewing on former America’s Cup yachts. But I have been drawn in by their other activities – mainly getting blind drunk on forties, calling people “the n word”, getting in fights, enjoying (or not) intoxicant-fueled romantic interludes, and most recently getting arrested (two at a time no less, in unrelated incidents!). Oddly, as I watched the hilarity unfold I found myself thinking, “Where have I seen this combination before?” Then I remembered (link below). Life imitating art is good, life imitating parody is good reality television.

Colt 45 Cup | Sailing Anarchy

you can't retouch this • post/haste

Okay, so the nipple-less Britney pic is probably just another example of overzealous Photoshop touch-ups. The site below proves that the art of digital manipulation is a double-edged sword.

Detouching Photoshop Contest | Worth1000.com (via awful plastic surgery)

round, smooth objects in the news • post/haste

Well, one thing's for sure, there will be no shortage of breast and bun-related 'golden globe' puns today. Two-twenty elected to spend Sunday night guzzling red wine and sampling shots with martini chasers (we tried Das Komet because we liked the bottle. It tastes like the candy you used to take out of the bowl at your grandmother's house). Hence, no clever deconstruction of the spectacle that is unleashed when the celebrity-mad worlds of film and television are thrust together and encouraged to mutually masturbate. Try here.

More importantly, what happened to Brit Brit's nip nips? Stereogum posted this picture yesterday, leaving two-twenty puzzled and possibly a bit disturbed:

pic from stereogum

Did she have a nipple-ectomy? Is she a pod person, and if one ever were lucky enough to slip off her La Perlas, would one find only a smooth expanse of plasticized skin between her thighs, Barbie-style? These are troubling questions, people.

already over it being over • post/haste

You've read about it elsewhere, but we would be remiss not to mention it: we've been over Bennifer for a while now, but apparently they are finally over each other.

Jen and Ben split for good | ananova

p.hil, meet j.sim • post/haste

Sure, Paris Hilton and her "personal brand management" machine may be unstoppable, but let us not forget the other blonde idiot savant, Jessica Simpson. Her recent and upcoming projects include:

• Newlyweds - Nick and Jessica
• an ABC sitcom, a possible Sony Pictures movie deal, and a rumored role as a Marvel Comics character
• Dessert: an edible skincare product line (as seen on Letterman this week)
• a book
• an ABC variety show
• a Super Bowl ad
• an obsessively compiled fan site through which we found most of the preceding information

Two-twenty supposes this means that, provided you back it up with an appropriate level of physical attractiveness and cluelessness, you can ride either the virgin or the whore paradigm straight to the top of the heap.

nothing sells soft drink like chainmail brassieres • post/haste

Britney, Pink and Beyonce will apparently attempt to out-Xena each other in a new Pepsi commercial. Assuming that one does not assemble this level of pop cultural cache for your average run-of-the-mill campaign launch, two-twenty believes we may have found one reason to watch the Super Bowl. Er, or six depending on how you look at it.

Girls Of The New Pepsi Ads | stereogum

seeking self-insured actors • post/haste

The pitch is so obvs: Blair Witch meets Jaws. Apparently no one saw the potential for ridiculously large boxoffice, though, so Chris Kentis had to make his movie Open Water all by himself and then bring it to Sundance.

How, one might ask, does a low-budget filmmaker unable to afford even a rudimentary mechanical shark a la Jaws, make a movie about two people trapped in shark-infested waters? Easy - find two desperate actors, chum the water, and toss 'em in. Seriously.

Sundance '04: Now Terror's at Sea Newsweek (msnbc)

Related news: the Blair Witch kids are all abject failures, failures who made a few million and five years after the fact still merit several thousand words in both the Times and Newsweek.

A Slump, or the Curse of the Blair Witch? | NY Times
Curse of the Blair Witch | Newsweek (msnbc)

death imitates art • post/haste

Great, just what we need, another addiction. Daphne, friend of two-twenty and occasional fashion critic / spotter of trannies, got us hooked on the Daily Telegraph obits with this "free taste":

Jennifer Ross Obituary | Daily Telegraph

It's really less of an obit and more of a, well, concise history of the decline and fall of the English aristocracy. To wit:

In 1942 Jennifer, already pregnant, married Robert Heber-Percy and entered a most unusual ménage. Heber-Percy had been living at Faringdon for a decade as the boyfriend of Lord Berners, the composer and eccentric known for his waspish sense of humour and his exotic way of life: guests were summoned to dinner by a music box in the hall; the doves that flew about were dyed many and various colours (inadvertently making them vulnerable to predators)...

Heber-Percy himself was a wild figure, known as "the Mad Boy" in Berners's circle. He had done more than enough to earn the sobriquet... He once nearly killed a woman in Salzburg by throwing a tankard from a restaurant, attempted to commit suicide and had to be removed heavily tranquilised. When he arrived in Florence he was "carried into the hotel in a semi-conscious state still dressed in his Tyrolean costume and with his hair hanging all over his face". At Amalfi he hit Berners over the head with a button-hook when Berners, wary of being spotted at the table with a young man sporting a bright red shirt, refused to accompany him to breakfast on the terrace.

When pressed, Daphne kindly forwarded on another fix, leading us blindly, indeed helplessly, down the slippery slope to full-fledged dependence. An auspicious beginning:

GRAHAM MASON, the journalist who has died aged 59, was in the 1980s the drunkest man in the Coach and Horses, the pub in Soho where, in the half century after the Second World War, a tragicomedy was played out nightly by its regulars.

leads to a brilliant and summary end:

[He] cooked Mediterranean food well, liked Piero della Francesca and Fidelio, choral evensong on the Third Programme and fireworks. After Marsh Dunbar's death in 2001, with almost all his friends dead, he sat imprisoned by emphysema in his flat, with a cylinder of oxygen by his armchair and bottles of white wine by his elbow, looking out over the Thames, still very angry.

Between those two gems lie sixteen additional paragraphs describing, among other things, Mr. Mason's associations with "many of the painters as well as the writers, actors, layabouts, retired prostitutes, stagehands and hopeless cases that then gave Soho its flavour."

Enjoy.

Graham Mason Obituary | Daily Telegraph

virtual infamy • post/haste

Whew, quite a weekend. Let us begin with the obvs: on Saturday night Lockhart Steele and friends threw down on the LES for a second thirtieth birthday party (the first one, apparently, was in Vegas and was only for the kewl kids). There were a veritable smorgasbord of web-based personalities in attendance, including Gothamist, Whatevs, Lindsayism, JVG and the ex-Miz Gawker, Elizabeth Spy(as in the magazine)-ers (now located here, and here). All were quite wonderful, although we only saw the lovely Lindsay at a distance and did not get a chance to speak to her before she spirited herself away to other environs. There is still hope, however, as plans exist to try and catch The Information at Sin-e tomorrow, and Lindsay will surely be there protecting her boyfriend from hordes of slavering hipster chicks. Two-twenty is extraordinarily embarrassed to admit that we (I) were (was) rendered speechless by the arm-warmered fabulousness of the aforementioned Miss Spiers. Turns out two-twenty is better read than spoken with.

One can only assume that this will be a much blogged-about event, once everyone recovers sufficiently to type. Two-twenty is only too happy to add to the insanity, and by the way is only able to type because we (I) are (am) still drunk. Happy birthday, Lockhart – now is probably a good time to get started on the Book of Ages: 31.

p.s. special thanks to felony for being two-twenty's honorary date for the evening. hey, wait, her boyfriend is in a band too. those musicians get like acres and acres, huh?

our spies are everywhere • post/haste

Turns out two-twenty had a source placed at this weekend's Ian Spiegelman bash. So secret a source, in fact, that even we did not know that we had him/her until he/she emailed us yester-eve. Turnabout being fair play, we feel we must print the dish on the dishers:

david carr totally missed the 3 best things about ian spiegelman's party:

3) richard johnson committed the most egregious fashion violation of 2004 (and we haven't even seen an awards show yet): he had on an off-the-peg, brooks brothers-type grey suit - WITH A BLACK T-SHIRT ADVERTISING THE RAMONES. I think sometimes queer eye should run a disclaimer that says "do not try this at home, especially if you are about to turn 50."

It seemed somehow appropriate to two-twenty that skeezy trannies were there to up the catty factor, then we thought it odd cuz we remembered that Spiegelman once infamously offered to "kick the living shit" out of some "faggots", then we remembered that he wrote a book called Everyone's Flaming and it made sense. Wait, sorry, burning. Everyone's Burning.

p.s. yes, in fact, due to the recent over-exposure in sunday styles, sex is now officially over, at least in manhattan. sorry. the good news: you can still get it on behind walmarts and in quick-e-mart parking lots in the midwest for another year or so.

single, mostly-white females • post/haste

One of the funniest (post -- no pun intended) New Year round-ups we've ever read listing NYC's most desirable bachelorettes. If you're short on time, just skip to the "cons", e.g., Ally Hilfiger, "Prone to crying jags; nasal voice could crack a diamond." Sparklingly brilliant (pun intended).

New York's Most Eligible Bachelorettes | New York Post Online Edition

social lubrication • post/haste

You may remember Chris London from the cover of the Times Sunday Styles section a couple of weeks ago, or perhaps from our little expose here at two-twenty. Our crack team of unemployed bums, er, investigative journalists, found that Mr. London, Esq. has popped up in quite a few articles about dating in New York, among them separate features in New York Magazine by Amy Sohn and Vanessa Grigoriadis (for the record, Mr. London thinks Ms. Grigoriadis is a dreamboat with brains and talent to boot, and has less kind things to say about Ms. Sohn).

Anyhoo, as anyone who read our post(s) already knows, our portrayal of Mr. London – although all in good fun – was somewhat less than flattering. So imagine our surprise when two-twenty (full disclosure: the fairer half of two-twenty) received an email from the lascivious lawyer, followed by a snapshot (that we can't, for some reason, un-embed from his email) and then, wonder of wonders, an invitation to a holiday party!

Two-twenty’s spidey sense tingled, suspecting a trap. But when Mr. London insisted, seemed genuine, and offered to comp us (our first press junket!), we agreed. The event was held at a bar located near Wall Street, a place we studiously avoid lest we upset the delicate goings-on down there that feed the pitifully small remnants of our trust funds. There was a dance floor, and a multi-colored disco light display, and “Play That Funky Music, White Boy” was played, we believe by a white boy. We drank, oh how we drank. We met Mr. London, who was an exceedingly good sport, and whose previously demonstrated mediawhorishness and self-aggrandizement were offset and perhaps even overcome by a genuineness reminiscent of some of the best personalities on Average Joe.

So, to Chris London, Esq., a thank you note:

Dear Chris,

Firstly, two-twenty finds we must apologize for the tardiness of our note; punctuality was never our strong point, and our practice of genteel protocol does not always live up to our firm theoretical belief in it.

Moving on, we would like to sincerely thank you (and Murph!) for allowing us to join you and your friends for your “downtown revival” holiday party last week. As we do not frequently (okay, ever) circulate in Manhattan’s “financial world”, it was exciting to see that the New York Stock Exchange is still standing! Two-twenty regrets that we didn’t stick around and get drunk enough to dance, but we know we would have regretted it even more if we had. Your magnaminous attitude in the face of snark (apologies to gawker) is a rare thing indeed, these days. Those who have come before you took lemons and made lemonade, but you went one further and had the bartender make us all kamikazes. Repeatedly.

So best of luck to you, erstwhile lawyer, lover, and liver of a life unlimited. We salute your spirit, and now know who to call when the pressure of dating in New York gets us (well, Alex), uh, down.

p.s. careful with that blog, London. Two-twenty watches and you are liable to get your reputation back!

p.p.s. the verdict is still out on whether or not we’ll be able to swing by the NYE party at the Chelsea Museum you’re "guest bartending" at tonight. Sounds like fun, but Chelsea is so 2001. Regardless, we of course heartily encourage all of Manhattan's single ladies to go tonight, if only for the opportunity to check out the mysterious NYC phenom that is: Chris London, Esq.

mr. and mrs. dicaprio? • post/haste

According to TeenHollywood.com -- okay, maybe not the most reputable news source -- Gisele has finally accepted Leo's hand in marriage. The former Pussy Posse ringleader reportedly kicked down the proposal over the summer with a $212,000 ring, but Gisele waited until just a few weeks ago to say yes, a delay her blabbing "friend" says is typical for Brazillian women. The news, if it is in fact true, will likely come as a shock to no one because no one cares anymore.

Leo And Gisele To Wed Next Year | TEENHOLLYWOOD.COM

bombs away • post/haste

According to the Daily Mirror, Ben Affleck's new movie Paycheck, the one that shows every sign of bombing at the box office, will premier not in LA, nor New York, but in a place where bombs explode all the time. Yes, that's right, in Baghdad. With Ben in attendence. If Philip K. Dick (the author of the story that the film is based upon and a two-twenty fave) weren't dead, he'd surely be inspired by these events to pen an eerie post-apocalyptic yarn about a Hollywood nimrod who visits one of the most perilous places on earth to promote his film... and dies.

BEN BAGHDAD PREMIERE | 3 am, Mirror.co.uk

when bad things happen to bad films • post/haste

Ooof. Things are not looking so good for the new Affleck vehicle, "Paycheck". The lead blurb atop today's double-page spread in the Times reads: "Unlike any film you've seen before or will likely see again!" Is that good? The quote, by the way, is from Earl Dittman of the almost entirely fictional "Wireless Magazines". Mr. Dittman is quite possibly the most notorious hired gun hack ever to attend a studio press junket.

Other "media outlets" quoted in the ad include "Dark Horizons" and "Univision", along with the usual assortment of local network affiliates. In fact, the only quote from anyone whose critical faculties can in any way be fairly assessed reads merely "Double hot." Sorry, "DOUBLE HOT!" Two-twenty imagines the original sentence that this gem was so carefully carved from: "Given the choice between watching this movie or being stuck in the eye with a glowing hot coat hanger while simultaneously being reamed in the ass with an also-very-hot poker, I would choose the DOUBLE HOT!"

Rubbing salt in the wound is the spread for "Return of the King" on the very next page, with blurbs from losers like David Ansen, Lisa Schwarzbaum, and Elvis Mitchell.

michael xxx • post/haste

Today’s Daily News reports that rumors of Michael Jackson’s religious team-switching were greatly exaggerated. Jackson’s “official mouthpiece” (gee, we could do a lot with that one, but we’ll leave it to you) stated simply, “That’s not true.” The mouthpiece added, “Michael has always been a Jehovah's Witness." Well, the Witnesses do ascribe to the theory of “get ‘em while they’re young”… ooh, maybe we should have left that one to you as well.

This is an unfortunate development, as two-twenty has been examining the tenets of Islam and how they might suit Jacko’s lifestyle. Preliminary research has led us to resounding evidence suggesting MJ may have already studied the Koran, specifically the following two passages describing Muslim Paradise:

In Gardens of Bliss: A number of people from those of old, And a few from those of later times. (They will be) on Thrones encrusted (with gold and precious stones), Reclining on them, facing each other. Round about them will (serve) youths of perpetual (freshness), With goblets, (shining) beakers, and cups (filled) out of clear-flowing fountains: No after-ache will they receive therefrom, nor will they suffer intoxication: And with fruits, any that they may select: And the flesh of fowls, any that they may desire. And (there will be) Companions with beautiful, big, and lustrous eyes,- Like unto Pearls well-guarded. 56:12-23

Doesn’t that sound exactly like the scene at Neverland Ranch? But wait, there’s more…

And round about them will (serve) youths of perpetual (freshness): If thou seest them, thou wouldst think them scattered Pearls. And when thou lookest, it is there thou wilt see a Bliss and a Realm Magnificent. Upon them will be green Garments of fine silk and heavy brocade, and they will be adorned with Bracelets of silver; and their Lord will give to them to drink of a Wine Pure and Holy. 76: 19-21

Boys, brocade and wine. Paradise on earth.

media empire tightens grip on trendy terminology • post/haste

In a masterstroke of media savvy, weblog Gawker today rendered 90% of its online competition irrelevant. By releasing a list of words deemed no longer "hott" in '04, the site at once established an easily understandable measuring stick by which other sites may be gauged. Indeed, the new criteria could also affect an assortment of newspaper columns, magazines, media personalities, Lower East Side conversations, and VH1.

Among the newly banned words: "snarky", "kutcher", "metrosexual", and "hipster". Analysts assure two-twenty that the vast majority of Manhattan-based media will not be able to recover from this gutting of their lexicon. However, to ensure the site's place at the top of 2004's media heap, Gawker also specifically allowed several terms, including "hilton", "tina brown", and "blogs".

A Memo from Gawker's Ombudsman | um, Gawker

gray lady's grave gossip • post/haste

Jesus, someone hand us a razor blade. After yesterday's attitude-laden edition of Boldface Names, two-twenty decided to give it one more try. Unfortunately, it looks like Joyce forgot her funny pill and instead took a dose of depressants.

Things we learned: as a young lass Charlize Theron witnessed her mother kill her father as he attacked her in a drunken rage. Not having fun yet? Howzabout this: Marcia Gay Harden's 10-year-old niece, along with the child's mother and brother, all died in a fire this week! Uh, Joyce, the obits are a few pages thataway. Thanks.

Boldface Names: And So, We Talked About Makeup | NY Times

ultralounge makes for ultrasnark • post/haste

A group of people who are not particularly fond of us broke in to two-twenty HQ this morning, tied us up, drugged us, and forced us to read the Times' so-called gossip column. We were not surprised that we enjoyed the tying up part and the drugging part, but imagine our astonishment and horror when we let out a smirk and possibly even a snicker while reading Boldface Names!

Read it yourselves and tell us if we're crazy. Seems like receiving officious emails from snot-nosed press agents, getting the cold shoulder from P. Diddy, and witnessing pencil-stached Matt Dillon get dissed really brings out the snark!

Oh, and in response to aforementioned officious email, we would like to present this little multiple choice question:

"Marquee" is to "nightclub" as:
A. "feta" is to "cheese"
B. "Paris Hilton" is to "narcissistic slut"
C. "The Simple Life" is to "nearly unwatchable show we thought we were going to love"
D. "toxoplasma gondii" is to "a parasite found in domestic cats that studies show may actually alter the personalities of the cats' human owners, turning women into 'sex kittens' and men into 'alley cats'"

The email, if you can't bear to go to the Times' website, read: "Please refer to Marquee as an 'ultralounge' rather than a nightclub."

Boldface Names: Well, One Guy Is Available New Year's Eve | NY Times

born to gawk • post/haste

Uh, right, as if you're checking this site before Gawker. So consider the following link a simple happy birthday wish from us to them, as opposed to anything that might actually be useful.

p.s. rumor has it Gawker is pretty fit for a one-year-old.
p.p.s. two-twenty's blog-years-to-human-years conversion calculations indicate that Gawker is 29 and will remain so for the foreseeable future.

Happy Gawkerversary: Some Greatest Hits | Gawker (duh)

transcending taped tryst with trillionaire trollop • post/haste

Is it true? Salon's The Fix reports that Shannen Doherty and Rick Solomon are back together again (!). If this is true, it would be so much bigger than, like, if Brenda and Dylan got over the whole Kelly thing and there was, like, a total Christmas special and like, they had, like, kids and... wait, it was Kelly who got to star(r) in this year's Christmas Special.

We cannot help but be slightly skeptical, if only because Salon's source is the Internet Movie Database. Don't get us wrong, we love the Imdb. But it's more famous for proving that Roger Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (like, a totally awesome movie -- seriously) than for cutting edge celebrity gossip. Adding to the confusion, Imdb cites Page Six as their source, but why would we even be talking about the Imdb or Salon if Page Six was involved?

Heh. Made it through that whole post without mentioning Paris Hilton or the phrase "sex tape". Fuck!

Movie & TV News | Imdb - 3rd item (via Salon)

tad brock, man of leisure • post/haste

So maybe this is a little obsessive. And maybe it's old news to some, certainly to anyone in the "London Network". But two-twenty cannot get over the egregious self-promotion of this middle-aged Cassanova. Apparently, back in February, Mr. Chris "Sexually Healthy" London (Esq.) was the subject of an Amy Sohn profile in New York Magazine entitled "The Pickup Artist". In it, Sohn was kind enough to use a pseudonym for the saucy Social Artiste: Tad Brock (do you think that's his porn name?). This must not have sat well with the playah, as he promptly posted, or at least posited, himself as the Brockmeister on his own site.

We don't entirely blame him. After all, in the article he is quoted as using the phrase "gold-digging buck hos" in reference to the gentle ladies of the Upper East Side. Klassy. Definitely need to get your props for that.

The Pickup Artist | New York Mag

we want his publicist • post/haste

Two-twenty has a love-hate relationship with the Times' Sunday Styles section. We are drawn inexorably toward it, shredding less desirable sections in our haste to find out what is "hot" and "in", then we find ourselves lost in a fit of eye-rolling and wincing and judging, and then comes the guilt... Ah, but Sunday is nothing without its traditions.

Anyway, this Sunday offered an enticing mystery along with the news that pink is in (thanks!): just who is Chris London, the artfully stubbly 41-year-old "lawyer and executive recruiter", who got a huge picture of himself surrounded by chicks on the top of the fold of one of the most-read sections of the Sunday Times? A picture attached to a fluff piece about being oversexed, no less!

Two-twenty's curiosity was further aroused (heh) when we noticed that Mr. London even managed to get a rave review of his sexual prowess inserted into the piece! (The gist of the article, if you missed it, was that some guys in New York get so much puss-say and are so pressured by the ferociousness of women's come-ons to them that they must use Viagra et. al. despite being totally, 100% "sexually healthy".)

Well, we found him. Though we cannot be entirely, completely, lawyer-proof sure, and thus state so at the outset, it looks like Chris London is Chris London, Esq., author of the blog NYC Consigliere Corner. In his blog, Chris calls himself an "advisor & confidant to the best & brightest on the NY Social and Professional Scene [caps his] in matters of career, business & relationships". He also supposes that his job title, were he to label himself, might be "Social Artiste". Again, caps his.

Unfortunately, the last post to the blog was back on November 14th. In it Chris speaks of some moonlighting he's been doing behind the bar, and wonders why women "come back for more and flirt aggressively with [him]?" "Perhaps," he muses, "I am still charming and cute." From now on, however, Chris will always have to wonder if the women who pursue him are just after a big, hard, chemically-guaranteed cock.

In an Oversexed Age, More Guys Take a Pill | NY Times (SundayStyles)
NYC Consigliere Corner-- Chris London, Esq. (blogspot)

anything jagger can do, we can do better • post/haste

Still riding high from their 2003 MTV Lifetime Achievement award, and perhaps gunning for a knighthood, Simon LeBon and Duran Duran have decided to hit the road again on a new World Tour.

Drummer Roger Taylor had this to say: "The girls who followed us back in the 80's are women in their 30's now, but they are just as enthusiastic. The screams have just got deeper." Hm. Maybe it's all about the puss-say!

Arts Briefing | NY Times (last item)

we know how to spell dreidel • post/haste

All this week Gawker has been shamelessly promoting Judaism as the next big thing. Since two-twenty is, like, a quarter or something Jewish, we want in! We missed out on the Australian hotness, and now our Ozzie component is in Iraq taking pictures of blown-up things and whatnot anyway, and none of us can remember the last time WASPs were in, so we're cashing in while we can. We put the "ukkah" in "Cristmukkah", baby! Give us our props!

Regarding "Rich Jews" | Gawker

when beauty is as deep as your pocketbook • post/haste

Two new additions to awfulplasticsurgery.com - Xtina and Catherine "My Last Name is Cooler Than Douglas" Zeta-Jones. In addition, the site includes a brilliant quote from "a fan" of the self-styled drrrrrrty girl: "It looks like you could get herpes just [from] standing close to her." The site's sensible hostess declines to comment on the Zeta-Jones pics due to the star's "litigious" nature.

Awful Plastic Surgery

ny social diarist ponders paris (again) • post/haste

David Patrick Columbia continues his tradition of obsequious reportage on NYC high society with yet another item on his pal Paris. Sure, he only knows her in the sense that he's "been in the same room with her (and dozens of others) at her parents’ houses" but "To [him] she has always been a polite, even diffident pretty blonde girl who is very close to her parents and has a well known ambition to be an actress which her parents supported 1000%... [He's] always been amazed that such a personality could create such a huge celebrity."

Columbia also states (parenthetically) that he has not seen the video. We are thinking about mailing him a copy.

Paris Sizzles: Today's Social Diary - 12/9/03 | NY Social Diary

ozzy recovering from spill and pills • post/haste

Our favorite TV family had another incident of bad luck when Ozzy took a big fall off an ATV at his estate in Buckinghamshire. This news comes on the heels of yesterday's LA Times story about how Ozzy was completely whacked on painkillers during the second season of The Osbournes. Ozzy says he's off the goof-balls now, confirming our suspicion that some people really do live better through chemistry.

Osbourne Resting After Emergency Surgery | NY Times

like mother, like daughter • post/haste

OK, we know that, like, everyone probably totally knows about this, and that we may be displaying a dangerous level of cultural ignorance by admitting that this is news to us. But... Kathy Hilton, mother of Nikki Hilton and another young lady who shall remain nameless because one of us promised not to write about her for a whole week, was so totally a soft core porn starlet! Delicious sample title from her oeuvre: Terror at Orgy Castle!

Kathy Hilton's film credits (via Bob Cook at flak magazine)

hussein needs better management • post/haste

Britney's inspired more hate-sites than Saddam Hussein. Maybe if he makes a video with Osama Bin Laden he'll restore his rightful place at the top of Google's Most Hated.
dailyrecord - HATE ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

britney barfs again • post/haste

Another item on little BS spewing her pop tarts all over a bar. Last time, according to a Gawker Stalker it was at gay uber dive The Cock. Ted Casablancas relates that this time, thankfully, she made it to the loo.
Gossip - The Awful Truth - 12/4/03 - Page 1 of 10

all the fascism that's fit to print • post/haste

The NYT metro section may be both boring and barely relevant, but somehow whenever I see the word "sex" I start reading. An article about denying a film student's right to record live sex acts quotes one Richard Pierce, a spokesman for NYU's Tisch School of the Arts, as saying: "The history of art is replete with examples of artists producing great art under limitations." Uh, yeah, Dick. It's called dissident art and it flourishes in fabulous places like Stalinist Russia!

Keep the Sex R-Rated, N.Y.U. Tells Film Students

lizzie g iso slave • post/haste

lgpr (lizzie's pr firm) is offering internships for university students adept at windows 95, general clerical work, and who possess the ability to say "miss groobman, miss tara reid on line one" without cracking up.

Lizzie Grubman Public Relations

Get your Hilton out of my Bush! • post/haste

We'll always have Paris (and, wait a sec... I'm forgetting her name right now...), but let us not forget that there exist other fabulously sexy and gossip-worthy sets of single sisters. And better yet, some of them are twins! I didn't realize how starved I was for a debauched Jenna and Barbara panty-less toga party until, seeing their names, I pounced hungrily on this item on msnbc.com's The Scoop. Although it includes Pansy Division, it is lame. It did, however, remind me of the twins' heyday of underage drinking and pratfalls at frat parties, and filled me with hope of a brighter future when their sapphic trysts will be caught on digital video and leaked to the press. Until then, get your fill at The First Twins: Jenna Bush and Barbara Bush.