two-twenty

"come from behind victory" sounds kinda dirty if you think about it | alex • post/haste

And so it begins... SRO tickets went on sale this morning for tonight's spring training grudge match between the Yankees and the Red Sox.

The excitement is palpable as millions of fans from both sides of the fence think the same thought, drummed into their head by a relentless onslaught of bad screenwriting and even worse derivative sportswriting: "Bring it on!"

"Girl, it's already been brought-en!"

As an mlb.com story puts it: "Why else would 23-year-old Deborah Kellogg-Van Orden and her 21-year-old sister Rebecca spend two nights on pavement...?"

Um, because they're poor crackwhores? Just kidding, Deborah and Rebecca! We're sure that you're not poor whores, and that if you were, you would prefer cold hard cash in exchange for your services rather than a chance to kiss the glass dick. Why? because New Englanders are nothing if not practical!! Go Sox!

Sox fans ready for Yankees visit | redsox.com

brushing my shoulders off, pulling my sox up | alex • post/haste

I didn't gloat. When we swept the Yankees, I didn't start preaching from my digital soapbox. When we won six straight, I didn't start predicting a ring, or hurling sneering comments at passersby wearing pinstripes, the number 13, or hats with the 2003 AL Championship logo on the side. I held my tongue, and look where that got us. A five game skid.

So, fuck it: the 2004 Boston Red Sox are the best team ever in the history of baseball. They are going to win the championship of the world galaxy universe this year. Everyone and everything else pales in comparison to the bright shining greatness of this baseball team. In other words, best team evs.

Let's see if that helps.

Red Sox Rally Falls Short | redsox.com

killing time (and brain cells) with a vengeance • post/haste

We're not sure if it's because the global village idiots have officially taken over town hall, or if Americans have grown as bored with their citys' offerings as a kid at her mother's third wedding ceremony, but people are resorting to some bizarre activities to get out of the house. Two-twenty generally applauds innovation, but this latest spate of calculated distractions is so contrived that we've brainstormed some alternatives that we'd find just as fun, and often a lot more cost effective.

movieoke
East Village cineasts/exhibitionists are gathering weekly at Two Boots Den of Cin to recite dialogue from subtitles while scenes plays behind them.

two-twenty's movieoke
Buy a shitoad of Budweiser tall-boys and Michelob Ultra. Make Joanna drink the Michelob Ultra. Slip "Empire Strikes Back" into the old video tape player and ignore her clucks about it "not [being] the effing widescreen version!" -- she'll shut up once the crawl starts. Sit back, and listen as she recites every other line of the film. Drink another tall-boy when her babbling starts to annoy you: once Yoda hits the screen again you'll be laughing like a kid during her mother's third divorce.

staring contests
According to trendcentral, after a December screening of the film STAREMASTER: THE MOVIE at Pianos on the LES, "patrons rushed to the stage to create their own StareMaster contest". the rules are stringent, playground rules.

two-twenty's staring contests
Buy a shitoad of Budweiser tall-boys and Michelob Ultra. Commence staring contest. Joanna will be eliminated almost immediately due to hysterical fit of laughter. Let Alex and Ash duke it out until they require another beer. Turn on television and stare at that instead. Drink beer until convinced that television is staring back.

pornaoke
Thanks again for everything, Germany. On the last Wednesday of every month at Lucy's Hat Shop in Philly, participants provide the soundtracks to screened porn.

two-twenty's pornaoke
Buy a shitoad of Budweiser tall-boys and Michelob Ultra. Drink beer while watching Cinemax on demand "Max After Dark" movie. Barrage stone-faced Alex with dumb questions about Project Date-Our-Flatmate until he tells Ash and Joanna to "shut the fuck up".

chess boxing
This one hasn't hit New York yet to our knowledge, but it's a matter of time. In this Dutch invention, players alternate chess with boxing for a maximum of eleven rounds. The winner is determined by either a knockout or checkmate.

two-twenty's chess boxing
Buy a shitoad of Budweiser tall-boys and Michelob Ultra. Have Ash launch a computer chess game application and tell him there are beers in the refrigerator. Bring one to him when he asks. Let him play against the machine until he starts screaming "you fucking cheating monkey" so loudly that you can hear him from the other room. Go to any bar populated by suits just as happy-hour has turned ugly. Sit down at a table with a clear view of the bar and send Joanna to get drinks. Let Alex feign opposition to Ash's pugilistic instincts before averring that he's "got [Ash's] back". Watch the blood fly, then promptly exit.

rock paper scissors
Blame Canada. The 2003 Molson Canadian Rock Paper Scissors International Championships took place last October in Toronto featuring competitors from all over The States, including All Too Flat from New York, vying for world domination. You know the rules.

two-twenty's rock paper scissors
Run out of Budweiser tall-boys and Michelob Ultra. Commence competition to determine who will make beer run. Drink shitoad of Budweiser tall-boys and Michelob Ultra. Play again to determine how to kill rest of evening.

yet another example of money buying happiness | alex • post/haste

The best shortstop in the game is moving to third. And to the Bronx. Fuck.

Yankees close to acquiring A-Rod | mlb.com

(not such) a good sport | joanna • post/haste

The only thing I enjoy about football is exercising my uncanny ability to predict the winner based on which team's outfits I prefer. That's it. So imagine how annoyed I am now that after finally caving to Alex's plea to "watch just a little bit" "for the commericals" I actually missed Janet's "accidental" tit flash because I was too busy threatening to resign my American citizenship after seeing Kid Rock sing a three year old song in a homemade flag poncho. This picture slightly alleviates my pain...

now, if he were a catcher... • post/haste

Okay, two sports-related posts in as many days, I know, butt please bare with me. New Indians pitcher Kazuhito Tadano has a past. When he was a struggling college student back in Japan, Tadano made a mistake that any sports figure or millionaire heiress could make: he was in a sex video. One key difference may render him especially vulnerable to hecklers, however - the video in question was a gay porn (not that there's anything wrong with that). Two-twenty admits to not watching a lot of gay porn, so we are forced to ask the (male) gay community, is this man typical of the stars in your erotic films?

photo from msnbc.com

If so, the hetero and lesbionic has a, er, leg up on you. Tadano admits to participating in the video, but is quick to add, "I am not gay." Upon reflection, we realize that this could gybe with two-twenty's definition of homosexuality. After all, you're not really gay if you pitch, right?

Indians pitcher: Gay porn video was mistake | msnbc.com

karma's a bitch | alex • post/haste

Sports have been blessedly absent from this forum for some time, what with everyone focusing on something called the "Superbowl", which as far as we are concerned serves merely as a backdrop for the new Britney / Pink / Beyonce Pepsi commercial. For two-twenty sports begin and end with baseball, and in true, myopically East Coast fashion, our purview barely extends beyond the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry.

To wit: the gods are mighty and just. Aaron Boone, the imp who hit the pennant-clinching homer off Derek Lowe in last season's epic finale, will probably miss most if not all of next season due to injury. Quite literally adding insult to said injury, it occured while he was playing basketball, an activity that is banned by his contract with the Yankees. This means that Boone is likely to forfeit most of his $5.75M salary and be cut loose from the team. See ya, buddy. Go kick someone else's dreams in the gut.

Yanks Lose Boone to Basketball Injury, Possibly for Year | NY Times

who wears short shorts? • post/haste

The AP reports that Sepp Blatter, president of the world soccer association, thinks female footballers should wear sexier uniforms. "Tighter shorts, for example," said Blatter, adding, "Pretty women are playing football today. Excuse me for saying that."

One female Norwegian player retorted, "If the crowd only wants to come and watch models then they should go and buy a copy of Playboy." Er, or watch the Lingerie Bowl. God bless America.

FIFA president calls for sexier uniforms | msnbc.com

he's no a-rod, but we'll take him | alex • post/haste

To those who care: the sox have brought back one of my favorite dirt dogs, Brian Daubach. Some players still hold the fact that he played during the '94 strike against him, but for me he always kind of epitomized the scrappy nature of the Red Sox.

In related news: Lockhart Steele lists Tile Bar (1st/7th, aka WCOU) and The Magician (118 Rivington) as the two best LES bars for Sox fans in his exhaustive LS.com 2003 Lower East
Side Awards.

Oh, while we're on the subject of "sports", two-twenty as a whole does not particularly care for football, but for various personal reasons we would love to see a Patriots-Eagles superbowl. So please, people, add them to your bedtime prayers (that, btw, is when you nightly kneel by your bed, not the toilet).

Red Sox bring back Daubach | redsox.com

boring baseball post, sorry | alex • post/haste

The NY Times leads today's Sports section with a quote from Sox owner Larry Lucchino calling the A-Rod deal "dead". The Boston Globe decides to temper a similar headline with "shortstop and his agent remain hopeful of a deal". I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I personally think that the deal will still happen, if only because so much bad blood has been spilled and so many wounds left gaping. The latest "deal is dead" pronouncements could just be an attempt by the Sox to shift the appearance of 'needing the deal' away from them and towards Texas. As with so many things, if it works I think it is a good ploy.

Right now though, the whole story is about cash money and greed. A-Rod was too greedy three years ago and is now saddled with a contract that prevents him from leaving a team he is not happy with. The players union is too greedy in enforcing their change-in-contract rules, and do not want to set a precedent whereby owners might seek to reduce player's contracts to current market levels during any trade. By which I mean that although the union is right in principle, in practice A-Rod has so much to gain by moving to Boston that the argument is not true in his case. Nomar may look good, but let us not forget that he and his agent have been whining about getting no respect when in fact none of this would be happening if Nomar had agreed to the 4-year $60M contract he was offered last year. Why didn't he take it? He wanted to wait and see if the market would improve.

Oddly, the only player who is smelling rosy right now is the often controversial Manny Ramirez. I would guess that this is the case only because his agent has told him to keep his trap shut until things settle down. Good advice.

Rodriguez Negotiation "Is Dead" Red Sox Say | NY Times
Trade embargo | Boston.com
Player not an innocent victim | Boston.com

soul-selling in quest to defeat evil empire? | alex • post/haste

It has become the Paris Sex Tape of the baseball world: the A-Rod for Manny trade. People can’t stop talking about it. People can’t stop postulating and pontificating and prophesizing. Today's New York Times called the trade a “must” (yeah, what would you know about it anyway, graybeard?), and now crazy rumors are afoot involving a possible follow-up three-way between Boston, L.A. and Chi-town. See, I told you it was like the sex tape(s)! All I know is that next year’s looking pretty good from this Sox fan’s perspective, but I’d hate to see boy wonder Theo Epstein get so caught up in the monumentality of his trades that he forgets the basics. In other words, he’s got the best offense in the league as things stand right now.

A certain Manhattan-based Sox fan with a “web presence” brought up the possible emotional ramifications of losing hometown favorite Nomar, echoing some of my own concerns. Would a pennant, or jesus-mary-and-joseph a World Series victory, be the same without him? In my gut I feel like the Sox would be cheating Nomar by leaving him out of what is clearly a very serious run at the championship. But judging by their track record, if the numbers work they can’t afford to care.

A-Rod trade hits snag with union | msnbc.com
The Business of Emotion | Lockhart Steele

pitcher wants to be "closer to western white house" | alex • post/haste

No sooner had I finished reading Jack Curry's analysis of the Pettitte situation in the Times than the news turned up online - Pettitte signs with the Astros. Now I know that as a Sox fan I am prone to counting chickens etc., but c'mon, so far this offseason's been good to us.

We get Schilling, and we're in serious talks to pick up the best player in the game. And if we don't, oh shit, we're stuck with Nomar, probably tied with Jeter as the second best SS in the game. The Yanks? Your (formerly our) superstar starter retires, you lose the Schilling battle, you lose another starter to Houston of all places, and your "big acquisition" Gary Sheffield is holding you ransom for more cash. Sux to be you.

No word yet from two-twenty's Yankees fan... she appears to be pouting. Or else she's hungover. I'm not sure.

Pettitte Heading Home for Houston | mlb.com

only 3 billion days 'till opening day | alex • post/haste

Two-twenty is not much on sports, but we do love our baseball. FYI, our personality is split 50-50 between the Red Sox and the Yankees, so don't be surprised if the subject elicits some vitriol.

Couldn't resist commenting on the Manny for A-Rod rumors. This sox fan would love to see the best player in baseball come to Fenway, but the thought of losing Nomar foments some troubling emotional reactions. I know that it's a business, and more and more it's purely a numbers game, but Nomar's been in Boston his entire Major League career. As far as Manny goes, I'll miss his batting average much more than his attitude or his hustle in the outfield (I think most of Red Sox Nation would agree).

Anyway, it's a confusing situation. As recently as this morning conventional wisdom seemed to be leaning towards a yes on the big trade, which would necessitate a Nomar trade, but now Sox owner John Henry and Nomar's agent are in some sort of pissing battle and no one knows what's going on. If you're interested, follow some of the see-saw action below. Or you can go fondle your AL Championship hat or foam finger or whatever you Yankee-loving prick.

A-Rod could be Boston's Babe | msnbc.com
Nomar Speaks His Mind | redsox.com
Henry Responds to Nomar's Agent | redsox.com